Exploring the science, psychology and data behind ‘just friends’At OPENHOUSE, we are on a mission to develop next-generation therapy - to take you from where you are, to where you want to go. Human connections and relationship is a critical part of this - so, let’s discuss falling in love with friends and start with the two types of intimacy. Show
We’ve all been there. The moment when a friend gets a new partner and some tiny part of you perhaps realises you are just a tiny, tiny, teeny, tiny little bit jealous. You might be shocked, or try to ignore it, or write it off as something else, but deep down, something gets you thinking. Or it’s the friend who sticks by you through thick and thin - they see you at your worst, you celebrate your best - but one day, you realise that maybe those warm fuzzy feelings that you experience when you see them, could be something more than ‘just friends’. For some, however, it’s the drunken night out, fuelled by alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol that pushes a ‘just friends’ situation over the edge into an ‘oh my goodness, did we really just do that?’ moment. Cue the inevitable awkwardness the next day - and perhaps sometime thereafter. There are two types of intimacy, and getting to know these can help us to understand how some people really do fall in love with their friend. Different types of love - friendship-based intimacy vs. passion-based intimacyRelationship scientists (Berscheid, 2010; Guerrero & Mongeau, 2008) believe that there are two types of intimacy. Friendship-based intimacy is an cognitive AND emotional experience comprising:
It’s a more companionate love that nurtures long-term intimate bonds and relationships. The other type of intimacy is passion-based intimacy which is predominantly an emotional experience made up of:
So that’s all there is to it? Not quite. In Dr. Sternberg's theory ‘The triangulation of love’ he takes this and builds on it further - believing that the concept of love is made up of three components:
What this is saying is that, in either situation requires a decision or commitment to commit to the type of love, whatever it is that you are experiencing - and that it is important to recognize that a relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or more. Ok, so back to falling in love with a friendVery often, things start because we fancy someone else. This sexual desire that gets a relationship moving is both well understood, and very well studied, - but it is also well understood that two people can become friends, develop a deep friendship-based intimacy and then begin to experience sexual desire at some future point in time and build a passion-based intimacy too. This is known as being ‘bi-directional’. Irrelevant of how your relationship starts, there is the potential that it can develop into both a passion-based, or intimacy-based relationship - or, in an ideal world, both. Let’s get into the science - the big bad study A huge study was conducted and published in the academic journal Social Psychology and Personality Science where they studied data from 1,897 participants over 18 years. This was absolutely fascinating. From studying these people over a very long time, their conclusions were that romances where partners start out as friends rather than strangers or acquaintances are more likely to actually be the rule than the exception in romantic relationships. *mic drop* Let’s go into this a little bit deeper The key takeawaysThe key takeaway points from the study were that:
What can we take away from this? Without generalising too much, we can summarise that “Most people don’t mean to fall in love with their friend - but a vast number of relationships start this way”. But, there’s a but. The big but is that this study was in 2007. Since then, we don’t have up-to-date statistics on this sort of study in 2021 and we can’t help but wonder ‘has this situation changed?’ Whilst dating apps have exploded onto the scene, we also have spent the last 18 months locked inside our houses in a pandemic. Is this more likely to lead to people deepening connections with people they already know, rather than developing relationships with new people - or has the surge in dating apps actually led to an increase in people going straight into dating, rather than getting to know someone first? ‘I fancy my best friend’ - ok, let’s get into the looks of itA study in 2015 (so, much more recently) found that the more dissimilar couples were on ratings of physical attractiveness, the longer the couples had known each other prior to entering a romantic relationship. What that means is - the longer you are friends with someone, the more likely you are to enter into a relationship with them even if they are a different level of ‘attractiveness’ to you - and you will be likely to be less concerned about how they look physically. On the flip side, if you are on an equal footing in terms of attractiveness with your friend - you may be likely to transition your friendship into something more physical, quicker. This supports the understanding that, perhaps, the more you get to know someone, the more that their traits and personality become as attractive, if not more so, than just what they look like. Let’s go deeper Why falling in love with your friend might actually be a good ideaThe slow burn vs. falling in love quickly is something often discussed by myself and Dr Tari on the OPENHOUSE Podcast. We often talk about the potential dangers that come with jumping into hot, heavy and fiery relationships from Day 1. They feel so good, but those charged with sexual chemistry, passion and sometimes even obsession, are often those that should be viewed as ‘red flags’. The reason for that is because, when people jump into something physical before exploring the emotional and getting to know the other, this increases the risk of discovering incompatibilities, and dissimilarities between personality styles, temperaments and values, amongst other things. By that point, it’s potentially too late. We are already way on our way to being invested in something, or at the very least tangled up in something, that might be hard to unravel. This was confirmed by a research study that looked at 137 couples who were married or cohabiting. They looked at how quickly their relationship started, how similar their personalities were and the quality of their relationship - and the found that the couples who “fell in love at first sight” did indeed develop a romantic relationship more quickly, but actually exhibited more dissimilarity in their personality-styles. Falling in love quickly vs. falling in love slowlyThe study found that the people who fell in love quickest were actually most different in terms of their:
With regard to the slow friendship burn, scientists note that these characteristics set out above influence the quality of marriage and relationships because unlike things like physical appearance and attraction - understanding the temperament and personality of a person takes time. It takes time to get to know someone and, more often than not, we know our friends very well. What these studies imply are that partners who get to know each other gradually are no doubt better able to work out the different personality traits and dispositions between the two people, and are often in a good position to decide whether a particular person
is really a good fit. In lay man’s terms - you’re less likely to jump into bed with them, and more likely to really step back and think - how is this going to work in practice? If you jump right into something, you often have not fully analysed or even understood the other person - thus perhaps increasing the likelihood of this compatibility appearing further down the road. The OPENHOUSE Podcast - Jason & Chrishell
In this recent episode, we explored the psychology of an unlikely pairing and how they went from friends to more. We wanted to know if it was a good idea for Chrishell to ‘fall for’ her friend and why had this not happened sooner? We also looked at the other side of the issue which is that - it is important not to just settle into relationships with people that you feel comfortable with, or that knows you well and loves you for you, when there may be something else out there for you that gives you more than perhaps just the friendship-based intimacy you are happy to settle for. Myself & Dr Tari Mack also go deeper into:
I also share my own personal dating stories, particularly:
Until Then We hope this was thought provoking. And maybe we will even say - look around. According to the research, you might be more likely to fall in love with a friend than perhaps you ever thought. — References / Studies
Is falling in love with a friend normal?It's more common than you might expect that best friends fall for one another — after all, you already know you get along so well! Every friendship is different, so it will be up to you to determine what the best course of action is for the two of you.
What should I do if I fall in love with a friend?What to Do If You're in Love With Your Best Friend. Consider their relationship situation. ... . Respect their relationship situation. ... . Differentiate your romantic feelings and platonic feelings. ... . Don't feel guilty. ... . Weigh your options. ... . Stick with your plan. ... . How have you dealt with having feelings for your bestie?. How do you know if you fell in love with a friend?All the signs you're in love with your best friend. You try to look your best when you know they'll be around. ... . Hugs from them feel different. ... . People ask if you're dating, or if you've dated in the past. ... . You would do anything to make them smile and/or impress them. ... . Compliments from them feel like you just won the jackpot.. Can you be in love with someone you're friends with?Someone who falls for their best friend, for example, might notice their long-standing platonic love become more romantic and sexually charged almost overnight. And, of course, the love you feel for friends, or platonic love, can still run pretty deep — even though it doesn't involve any romantic or sexual attraction.
|