How can we be friends when we are lovers

Just because you've hooked up with someone, doesn't necessarily mean they can't be part of your life in other ways. Whether it's a friend with benefits or an ex-partner, sometimes you want to keep this person in your life because you enjoy the essence of who they are, and that's OK! Knowing how to transition from lovers to friends can be tricky, because yeah, sex can make things awkward. But I spoke to an expert to understand how to do it right, and he had a lot of great advice.

"Whether or not two people can go from a romantic relationship to a friendship is a tough question to answer," Grant H. Brenner, MD, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and co-author of Irrelationship tells Elite Daily. "It varies a lot from couple to couple, and individual to individual. Oftentimes, the fantasy of being friends is appealing, but the reality is less optimistic." Nevertheless, if you and your former lover really want to try to make things work as friends, there are some things you might want to keep in mind.

Perhaps most importantly, Brenner says two people who want to be friends "need to look very closely at their own desires and motivations to see if trying for friendship is even possible." If you're still too physically attracted to each other, for example, it might not be the right time to be friends.

Additionally, Brenner explains that if you and your ex-lover attempt to smooth things over too quickly, and claim that you want to be friends right away, the chances of it working out are probably lower. "When people try to rush friendship after a breakup, it's an indicator that it won't work," he says. "For most, friendship after love takes time to develop, and romantic feelings and the aftermath of being together, take time to get past." To get real for a second, you've seen each other naked, so like, it's OK if you can't be friends right away. But if you and your lover had a pretty casual relationship where you were able to talk, joke around, and hang out in addition to hooking up, a friendship might a little easier to transition to.

That said, if you think that you and your former hookup buddy would be great friends, don't feel like you need to rush it. "Take your time," Brenner advises. "Don't push friendship. Be aware of any residual issues from the relationship, lingering sexual or romantic feelings, wishes to get back together, feelings of jealousy, and so on, which will interfere with friendship." The key, according to Brenner, is to be mindful of any lingering feelings you or your previous lover might be harboring. That way, you can make sure that you're both cool with how your dynamic evolves without sex.

As Brenner says, it's totally possible to be friends with someone who was once a hookup partner, as long as you're both on the same page about sex no longer being on the table. "Try to meet the person from a new place," Brenner adds. "Holding onto past patterns from the romance will spell doom for the friendship. Start fresh, and get to know one another in a new way." Hang out with mutual friends at a game night, or grab drinks with the people who introduced you. Go get a cup of coffee, or check out the local farmers' market. Do something friends would do that you've never done before. You never know how your bond will evolve. (Cue Step Brothers' infamous "Did we just become best friends?" scene.)

"How Can We Be Lovers"
US retail cassette variant of standard artwork; the US CD edition was promo-only
Single by Michael Bolton
from the album Soul Provider
Released	1990
Length	3:55
Label	Columbia
Songwriter(s)	Michael Bolton Diane Warren Desmond Child
Producer(s)	Michael Bolton Desmond Child
Michael Bolton singles chronology
"How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" (1989) "How Can We Be Lovers" (1990) "When I'm Back on My Feet Again" (1990)

"How Can We Be Lovers" is a song written and composed by Michael Bolton, Diane Warren, and Desmond Child and performed by Bolton. Released as the third single from Bolton's sixth studio album, Soul Provider (1989), it peaked at number three on the US Billboard Hot 100 and number 10 on the UK Singles Chart in May 1990. The song also reached number two in Canada, number three in Australia, number 10 in Sweden, and number 18 in Ireland.

Charts and certifications[edit]

References[edit]

1. ^ "Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers". ARIA Top 50 Singles. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
2. ^ "Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers" (in Dutch). Ultratop 50. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
3. ^ "Top RPM Singles: Issue 9138." RPM. Library and Archives Canada. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
4. ^ "Top RPM Adult Contemporary: Issue 9027." RPM. Library and Archives Canada. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
5. ^ "Eurochart Hot 100 Singles" (PDF). Music & Media. June 9, 1990. Retrieved June 19, 2021.
6. ^ "The Irish Charts – Search Results – How Can We Be Lovers". Irish Singles Chart. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
7. ^ "Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers". top40.nl. Retrieved June 22, 2021.
8. ^ "Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers" (in Dutch). Single Top 100. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
9. ^ "Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers". Top 40 Singles. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
10. ^ "Michael Bolton – How Can We Be Lovers". Singles Top 100. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
11. ^ "Official Singles Chart Top 100". Official Charts Company. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
12. ^ "Michael Bolton Chart History (Hot 100)". Billboard. Retrieved January 12, 2020.
13. ^ "Michael Bolton Chart History (Adult Contemporary)". Billboard. Retrieved January 12, 2020.
14. ^ a b "ARIA Top 100 Singles for 1990". ARIA. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
15. ^ "Top 100 Hit Tracks of 1990". RPM. Library and Archives Canada. Retrieved July 18, 2019.
16. ^ "Billboard Top 100 – 1990". Archived from the original on July 6, 2009. Retrieved September 15, 2009.
17. ^ "Adult Contemporary Songs – Year-End 1990". Billboard. Retrieved March 12, 2021.

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