How do I find peace after being cheated on?

Expect recovery to take at least 2 years.

Jerry Rogers had a dead-end job and a dull marriage.

He could usually cope on the job, but not at home. "After years of being with the same woman," says Rogers (not his real name), "the desire to have sex with another woman was overwhelming." When the opportunity for an affair came along, he couldn't resist. "The affair helped me escape," Rogers says.

Escape is a nearly universal attraction of affairs. Some people cheat to escape boredom; others to escape conflict in the relationship. Whatever the reason, the sense of escape is exciting. Only later comes the psychological trauma with its cascade of negative emotions. Spouses who cheat often feel angry, desperate, and guilty. Those who are cheated on also feel angry, not to mention abandoned and fearful.

How you face these emotions -- and the extent to which you analyze what went wrong and what you contributed to the situation -- will play a major role in whether you find peace after the affair, regardless of whether the original relationship endures or dies, according to Emily Brown, MSW, an expert on the topic.

Reasons for the Affair

"It's easy to assume that an affair is about love, sex, selfishness, or trying to inflict pain," says Brown, author of "Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity" and director of the Key Bridge Therapy and Mediation Center in Arlington, Va. But affairs are much more complicated than that.

Having an affair is one way of communicating that emotional issues aren't being met by the other partner or the marriage, according to Brown. Having an affair lets one partner get the other partner's attention and communicates that the cheating partner is in pain. Sometimes affairs happen when one partner is a sex addict. But a sexless extramarital relationship can also be an affair, ifa strong emotional connection exists that is kept secret from the spouse, Brown says.

Infidelity Happens Often

Although hard-and-fast statistics are difficult to come by, infidelity is common. One study of 300 subjects, published in August 1992 in the Journal of Sex Research, found that 44% of husbands and 25% of wives had engaged in at least one episode of extramarital sexual intercourse, says Shirley Glass, Ph.D., a Baltimore psychologist and the study's lead author. Those numbers have remained about the same since then, she says, based on her clinical practice and other research studies; however, she notices the number of straying women is increasing.

But Peggy Vaughan, the Southern California author of The Monogamy Myth, says those numbers are very conservative. Based on research done for her book, she says 60% of married men and women stray at some point.

When affairs happen, both partners need to do some serious self-evaluation, Brown says, because both partners contribute to it. For couples recovering from affairs, Brown and Vaughan offer a variety of suggestions. Their advice is targeted to married couples, since extramarital affairs have been studied the most, but it might also be applicable to couples in other types of partnerships.

  • Get the secrets out in the open. Telling the other partner what was lacking in the relationship might help explain why the partner strayed. In a survey of 1,083 spouses whose partners had affairs, Vaughan found trust -- always an underlying issue after an affair -- was more likely to be rebuilt when the couple thoroughly discussed the situation.
  • Face the emotions and heal. If you were cheated on, try to face the pain and then move on. If you cheated, face the anger or restlessness and move on as well. A counselor or therapist may also help; the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (202-452-0109) can refer you to a specialist.
  • Avoid making major decisions. Initially, you may want to move away or file for a divorce. Hold off, at least for a reasonable period. "I've never seen anyone fully recover from an affair in less than two years," says Vaughan.

Jerry Rogers followed these steps. "After my partner found out and we went through a lot of therapy -- together and individually -- we were able to deal with the pain of the affair," he says. "It helped me understand what led to my infidelity, which had more to do with issues about myself and my work rather than not being satisfied with my partner."

If you've been cheated on, you might be experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. You may feel devastated one moment and angry the next. What's more, a broken heart can lead to a potentially overwhelming mix of feelings, including shame, doubt, confusion, and anxiety. Understanding and processing your emotions is an essential part of the process of healing from this type of hurt. As you begin your journey, it's important to remember that there's no one direct path to follow when recovering from a breakup, and some people might take longer to move through this process than others. Take the time you need to heal while also allowing yourself to grow and learn from the pain.

As sexologist Rob Weiss, PhD, explains, "Damaged relationships don’t heal overnight. Moreover, damaged relationships don’t heal simply because one party wants them to." As hard as it may seem, know that you are in charge of your own process and any closure you may need is entirely your own to give.

When trying to figure out how to deal with infidelity, these six steps can help you cope with what transpired and deal with the emotional roller coaster that follows betrayal.

Work Through Your Feelings

You’ll likely experience different emotions as you process what happened. For instance, it’s common to feel disappointed or betrayed after infidelity, so take a moment to recognize these feelings are normal. "In general, getting over infidelity follows the usual stages of grief: shock/denial; anger/defiance; bargaining; depression, remorse; and acceptance," explains Weiss. Rather than suppressing your emotions, work through them. Coming to terms with what happened is integral to the healing process. Maintaining a daily gratitude practice, like keeping a journal, allows one to self-heal over time.

Don't Blame Yourself

It's all too easy to blame yourself for what happened, but you're not responsible for your partner's actions. While some self-reflection can be beneficial to your own personal growth, spiraling into harsh self-criticism and excessive self-blame actually delays the healing process. Rather than finding fault with yourself or obsessing over what might have been, place the blame squarely on the cheater.

Don't Live in the Past

Are you questioning everything about your relationship, replaying conversations in an attempt to discover what went wrong? "There is an initial stage when the betrayed partner wonders what else she or he doesn’t know about," says Weiss. "It is very difficult to trust anything the cheating partner says or does in this stage." But obsessing over the past isn’t healthy or productive. Instead of dwelling on hypotheticals, focus on the future rather than negativity, working through all the stages of the healing process and eventually coming to forgive both them and yourself.

Think About What You Want

Moving on after infidelity means taking the lead on how you want to live your life. Do you want to break up with your partner, or do you want to work on your relationship? Weiss suggests weighing all of the factors: "First of all, has the cheating stopped? Have the lies and secrets stopped? Generally speaking, are there more positive than negatives to the relationship? Is the cheating partner ever going to be able to restore relationship trust? There is no set formula for deciding to stay or go, but these questions can provide clarity." These are important questions without right or wrong answers.

Regardless of what others say, your greatest concern should be yourself. For instance, if your partner’s actions are a deal-breaker for you, break up with your partner. On the flip side, you may feel hurt and betrayed by your partner but still want them in your life. "Betrayed partners should understand that it is normal to continue to love and care for someone, even after a betrayal," says Weiss. "Both parties have to want to rebuild trust and intimate connection. The good news is that after an infidelity, if both parties do their work in the process of healing, relationships can end up being stronger than ever—deeper vulnerability, deeper intimacy, and more rather than less support of one another."

Or, then again, you may also not be sure what you want. That's okay. The decision is yours alone to make.

Regardless of your decision, try to ensure that it's being made from a place of healthy authenticity or "prodependence" rather than codependence.

Take Care of Yourself

When you’re dealing with something as life-changing as infidelity, this type of news can take a toll on you emotionally as well as physically. For instance, you may want to shut out the outside world and not see or talk to anyone. You may notice that you have difficulty concentrating at work or even find it hard to get the energy or desire to take care of yourself. But it’s imperative when faced with hardship and disappointment that you practice self-love and self-care during these difficult moments in your life.

"I am a big fan of gratitude lists, exercise, journaling, and, of course, therapy and support groups for people in the same or similar situations," says Weiss.

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

If you want to get over being cheated on, don't be afraid to lean on those around you for support. Being cheated on by your partner can make you feel isolated and alone. However, it would be best if you weren't afraid to reach out to friends and family after this has happened and surround yourself with people who care about you and your well-being. "Betrayed partners need support for the trauma they’ve experienced, and that support should not (and really cannot) come from their cheating partner," explains Weiss. "There is nothing worse than sitting alone after a betrayal with absolutely no one to turn to. [They] need support from empathetic others, people who understand what they’re going through. Without that, it is very difficult for them to process and work through their emotions."

Plus, it would help if you also didn't hesitate to meet with a trained professional who can help give you personalized strategies to deal with your new reality. You don't have to face this alone, and having more people in your corner who have your back is only going to make it easier for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. "There is no need to wait," says Weiss. "Find a therapist who can empathetically help you work through both your day-to-day distress and your longer-term relationship questions."

Does the pain of being cheated on ever go away?

It's absolutely possible to heal from infidelity. Although the pain and grief can be intense, it's also possible to work on the relationship so that you and your partner are able to move on.

How does being cheated on change you?

Being cheated on can not only affect your self-esteem and self-worth; it can also affect the way you treat those around you. Built up anger, bitterness, or hurt can show itself in how you act around the people you encounter.

How do you trust again after being cheated on?

8 Things To Keep In Mind If You're Dating Again After Being....
Know your emotions are valid..
Put your own healing first, always..
Be open about your fears..
Have a support system..
Consider going to therapy..
Be cautiously optimistic..
Avoid placing blame on your new partner..
Use discernment..

What are the long term effects of being cheated on?

What are the long-term effects of being cheated on? If you've been cheated on, it may take a long time to heal. It can cause you chronic anxiety, post-traumatic stress, depression, and mistrust of others for a long time after the event.