How do I get Avoidants to talk to me again?

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness”

— as Nietzsche so rightly said. This applies perfectly to dealing with an avoidant partner because while their behaviors can seem confusing, they come from a place of misguided logic. Understanding that is the first step in communicating with an avoidant partner.

20 approaches for navigating communication issues and getting closer to your avoidant partner 

Like most things to do with the mind, there’s a wide range of potential behaviors when dealing with an avoidant partner. At one extreme, you have Avoidant Personality Disorders as described in this article.

Then, you have the rest of us with around 30% of people who have an avoidant attachment style, according to WebMD. That leaves roughly 50% of securely attached people and 20% anxiously attached, according to this Washington Post article.

So, what does all this mean for communicating with an avoidant partner?

1. Plan ahead  

Avoidant people need independence and autonomy such that intimacy can feel threatening. That’s why it’s important to avoid surprises when communicating with an avoidant so they don’t feel out of control. So, plan quality time together well in advance.

2. Talk openly about boundaries  

How to deal with an avoidant partner means understanding that they have strict, sometimes rigid, boundaries. They essentially see closeness as a weakness.  

Instead, discuss how boundaries look to both of you and under what circumstances your avoidant partner needs time alone.

3. Be compassionate

How to help an avoidant partner starts with understanding and compassion. The belief that intimacy can be a threat is a defense mechanism they developed as a child with unresponsive caregivers.

With time, they can let go of that belief and come to see intimacy with you as a positive experience. They’ll gradually realize that you are there for them when they need it.

Related Reading: How to Practice Self Compassion for a Satisfying Relationship

4. Enjoy your interests

Communicating with an avoidant partner means being your own, independent person. One of their biggest triggers that makes them distant is when someone depends on them. So, get out there and enjoy your hobbies and friends.

Related Reading: How Important Are Common Interests in a Relationship?

5. Understand the unrealistic expectations

Be realistic about who your avoidant partner is. You’ll then find communicating with an avoidant partner much easier because you’ll accept them for who they are. This makes them feel safer and more valued.

6. Balance the roles  

We all crave intimacy and when someone pulls away from us, our first instinct is to draw in closer. This is one of the worst strategies for how to deal with a love avoidant. They’ll resist even more as they start feeling increasingly threatened and controlled.

A more balanced approach when communicating with an avoidant is to let them come to you sometimes. In essence, don’t always be the one who reaches out but wait instead for them to move first.

7. Talk about needs

How to deal with a love avoidant means honoring your needs just as much as theirs. They’ll respect you more for that.

Expressing your needs and your level of commitment is also a strong strategy for establishing a safe environment. This then acts as a buffer to your avoidant partner’s defense mechanism of withdrawing.

8. Share your emotions

This one is a little trickier because you have to balance talking about emotions without overdoing it. Communicating with an avoidant partner means understanding that they don’t want to talk about too many emotions.

9. Observe the stress triggers

Research shows highly avoidant people who are under extreme external stress will not seek support from their partners. On the flip side, when they experience internal stress, they react relatively well to instrumental rather than emotional support. This support includes preparing dinner or buying them something tangible.

10. Share your goals and motivations for the relationship

Avoidant individuals fear being abandoned and rejected and will often misinterpret your intentions because of that belief system. That’s why it’s helpful to talk about your reasons for being in the relationship, including your goals.

11. Explain the new norm

An avoidant partner basically needs to re-learn what a healthy relationship looks like because they had no role models growing up.

You can help them do that by explaining that requests and needs are normal. Although, remember to do baby steps so as not to be overwhelming.

12. Reframe problems

Avoidant people don’t want to talk about issues or problems generally because they don’t want to change anything about themselves. They’ve developed this strong withdrawal defense mechanism such that they believe in their self-efficacy.

You can soften this approach by reframing issues into short, practical statements that are rational rather than emotional.

13. Use I statements

Communicating with an avoidant means using non-threatening language. Remember that their behaviors come from a place of low self-worth.

That’s why it’s useful to use I statement to state what you’re feeling. This approach essentially avoids blame.

14. Accept your differences

You have to accept them as they are, including sometimes being emotionally distant. These moments usually come in ebbs and flows, which gives you clues for the best time for communicating with an avoidant.

15. Be vulnerable

Slowly but surely is the best approach for communicating with an avoidant partner. So, when you see them feeling secure, you can start sharing a few more emotions about your insecurities.

16. Manage your triggers

You need to watch your frustrations that arise from their aloofness, as this could make you lash out at them. Essentially, don’t take their behavior personally.

17. Find your routine

Communicating with an avoidant partner is easier when you have structure. That’s because they can prepare themselves mentally for time together, and they know when they get their time alone. Basically, you’re creating a safe routine where both your needs are met.

18. Talk about your fears

Avoidant people learned to suppress their emotions and vulnerabilities when they were children. So, with some avoidants, talking about your own fears and imperfections can help them open up. Of course, you have to build trust before communicating with an avoidant partner about this topic.

Related Reading: What is Relationship Anxiety and How can you Deal with it?

19. Be empathic and not a fixer

When communicating with an avoidant partner, be clear in your mind that you’re not there to fix them. You can only be a supportive partner who understands their fears and triggers.

20. Get help

At some point, you might realize that you need some help either through individual or couple’s therapy. This can also be useful for you to understand your attachment style and what type of relationship is right for you.

If you decide it’s time to leave, then you’ll have to deal with it just like any other breakup. How to get over an avoidant partner means going through the five stages of grief.

25 evidence-based ways to connect with your avoidant partner 

How to talk to an avoidant partner doesn’t have to be daunting. Remember to look for the signs for when they seem at ease and not triggered before communicating with an avoidant partner.

1. Provide a secure environment

There are several potential triggers for an avoidant attached person, as detailed in this article by The Attachment Project. Some of them include being criticized or judged, having to depend on others, and when their partner demands too much.

Bearing this in mind, you can create a safe place where they feel valued and independent while being supported.

2. Ask how to deactivate stress levels

Depending on the person and the relationship, you might have the right trust levels to talk about stress triggers. You can even share yours first to help your partner open up. This can be a powerful way for communicating with an avoidant partner. Then, ask them what they need from you when they experience certain triggers.

Related Reading: 5 Steps to React Rationally to Stress

3. Enhance positive interactions

Communicating with an avoidant partner means focusing on the positives. Fundamentally, the avoidant mind is in defensive mode and will be looking for negatives everywhere.

4. Establish your language  

Have you noticed some words seem to have a certain impact? Perhaps your partner suddenly switches behavior, and you can visibly see them shutting down when you say specific things?

Language matters when communicating with an avoidant style. That’s because you can counteract their negativity with encouraging and supportive words.

5. Know your attachment style

It’s crucial to understand your role in the relationship dynamic. Not always, but avoidantly attached people tend to partner with those who are anxiously attached, as discussed in this research. 

Of course, the avoidant style can also attract avoidant individuals. Either way, it’s good to understand how you are either helping or exacerbating the stress triggers through your own attachment style.

This quiz from The Attachment Project can get you started.

6. Listen deeply

How to talk to an avoidant partner starts with listening. This doesn’t just mean interacting and asking questions.

Listening deeply means leaving your judgments behind and truly wanting to understand your partner and their feelings. It means cultivating the art of listening to understand rather than looking for a pause for you to jump in with your views.

This paper summarizes the various types of listening and how to practice them. Contrary to what most of us believe, we all need to learn the art of listening.

7. Explore bonding activities

An avoidant partner needs to trust that you’re there for them without being overly clingy. They also tend to watch behaviors intently to believe that. So, doing things together to create positive feelings will build trust over time.

Examples include reading, walking, and going to shows together, amongst others.

8. Share memories with positive emotions

Once you’ve created memories, you can refer to them when communicating with an avoidant partner. The idea is to allow them to connect to positive feelings that you generated together so they feel good about the relationship.

Related Reading: 15 Awesome Ways to Create Memories with Your Partner

9. Get to know the cause

It can be useful to learn about how your avoidant partner grew up and developed their defense mechanisms. That way, you can create a safer environment within your relationship.

10. Boost their self-worth  

When communicating with an avoidant partner, try to be encouraging. The more you can make them feel valued, the less they will be triggered and the more likely they’ll open up.

11. Become securely attached

Talking to an avoidant partner means understanding yourself such that you can become more securely attached.

Watch this video to learn more about how to do that:

12. Compassionately reduce negative emotions

As mentioned, avoidant patterns of behavior are a coping mechanism developed when their emotional needs were being ignored. This makes avoidants highly wary of anyone who talks about their emotions so they tend to assume negative intent.

Flip this belief round by being compassionate and sharing your positive intentions.

13. Understand the discomfort with conflict  

It can be difficult to resolve issues with a conflict avoidant partner. In those cases, the best approach for communicating with your avoidant partner is to do the opposite to them.

So, for example, be open about your feelings but don’t sound clingy or desperate. You can also reframe your issues to talk about needs to stay factual. Check out the 8 listed in this research from the University  o:f Ljubljana, Slovenia.

Related Reading: Diffusing Relationship Conflicts in 3 Steps

14. Acknowledge efforts

Communicating with an avoidant partner includes appreciating their efforts even if these aren’t always obvious. The fact that they’re in a relationship is already a huge leap of faith for them.

15. Cultivate positivity

Be positive, calm and transparent when communicating with an avoidant partner. This will make them feel safe and appreciated.

Related Reading: The Power of Positivity in Relationships in Times of Crisis

16. Be grateful

You need to build a strong level of trust and understanding when communicating with an avoidant partner. This doesn’t happen overnight by forcing them into deep and meaningful conversations. Instead, express your gratitude for what they do and praise them regularly.

17. Be independent

An avoidant partner fears clingy and needy people. Instead, have your life outside the relationship with friends and family to show that you’re not overly dependent on them.

18. Enjoy them as they are

People with an avoidant style suffer from low self-esteem. They struggle with relationships despite wanting them. Nevertheless, you can help them feel better about themselves by accepting them without judgment.

19. Be reliable

As children, avoidant style people felt abandoned by their caregivers. To alleviate that fear of abandonment, you should show that you’re dependable.

20. Focus on future growth

As mentioned, share your goals for the future without being demanding. It can also be helpful to think ahead about life-changing moments such as having children.

As research shows, highly avoidant people can feel threatened by a new child because they feel that the child is taking too much of their time. So, establishing boundaries and healthy role division early on is a wise approach.

21. Be patient

A conflict-avoidant partner might not always know what they need in stressful situations. In that case, try to experiment together to find what works.

It’s critical to note that yes, they need space but if you keep doing that, you’ll never move forward. The key is to try to understand the stressful situations and either remove them or manage them together.

22. Use positive tones

As mentioned, avoidantly attached people tend to focus on the negatives. Don’t forget that the way you speak also has an impact on their outlook on life, including your tone of voice.

Related Reading: 10 Effective Marriage Communication Exercises for Couples

23. Be a role model

Most of us want to change other people. Nevertheless, changing ourselves is a more powerful influence than we realize. Be the calm, vulnerable and secure person you strive for, and your avoidant partner will also start feeling safer.

24. Use calm, assertive language

Avoid blame and anger when communicating with an avoidant partner. A passive-aggressive approach also further alienates avoidants.

25. Be open about your flaws

The more you can share about yourself, the easier it will be for your partner to believe that this relationship is a safe place. They’re also less likely to jump to the wrong conclusions about your intentions.

Also Try: What’s Your Love Flaw Quiz

FAQ 

Does an avoidant partner miss you?  

Yes! They simply suppress their emotions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them.

Can an avoidant partner love you?

Avoidants can love just as much as anybody, even if they show it in different ways. You can expect body language and verbal queues more subtle than your classic lovey-dovey approach.

How do you deal with a conflict-avoidant partner?

Use I statements to avoid sounding aggressive. Then, reframe the problem to be factual rather than emotional, for example, by referencing needs.

How to talk to an avoidant partner?

Tell them reassuring things about themselves and that you’re grateful for who they are without being clingy.

How to help an avoidant partner commit?

Explain to them the norms of relationships with the ‘give and take’ that revolves around setting boundaries. Don’t be afraid to explore this through trial and error.

What’s the best way for dealing with an avoidant partner?

Always be compassionate and understanding about their behaviors that come from a place of fear. So, be calm and patient while looking out for their triggers.

What are the signs that an avoidant partner loves you?

The obvious sign is that they want to spend time with you, and they’re happy to listen to you talk about your emotions. 

Conclusion 

Communicating with an avoidant partner is both hard work and highly fulfilling. Your own attachment style will tell you if you’re ready to take on this challenge. If this is too much for you, you’ll have to focus on how to get over an avoidant partner instead.

Either way, you’ll learn something about yourself and what you need from relationships. After all, we all have demons to tame. Nevertheless, if you find a partner who’s willing to grow and learn with you, then that’s a gift in itself, regardless of their demons.

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