How do I know when my marriage is over?

There's no question that relationships are complicated. Even the most stable of marriages will go through intense highs and extreme lows. So if you're asking yourself, "Should I get a divorce?" know that you're not alone. A 2015 poll found that half of all married couples have contemplated divorce. And during the pandemic, the number of people interested in divorce has only increased.

But determining whether or not your marriage should end is a huge decision. "I have never met anyone who approaches the subject lightly," explains Jen Libby, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist who helps families through divorce. "I have also not met many individuals — even in seemingly healthy relationships — that haven't contemplated divorce at some point in their marriage." That said, Libby notes that there are some pretty obvious signs that you should consider divorce.

A number of things can weave a path straight to divorce: not putting in the effort to compromise, shutting down emotionally, pushing your partner away, and even seeking intimacy from an outside partner. Some of the signs you should get a divorce, however, are a lot more subtle and may take some time for you to see. Many of these red flags might also point to a need for support, be it from a family member, friend, or marriage counselor, so that you and your partner can be better equipped to work through your issues.

But if you do decide to take the divorce leap, consider this: "Coming to terms that the marriage is over and working together [with your spouse] towards a resolution that is fair for everyone will almost always make the process go quicker especially when kids are involved," says matrimonial and family law attorney Elizabeth Rozin-Golinder.

Here are some of the most common signs that it’s time to get a divorce, according to relationship experts.

There's a lack of intimacy.

According to Rozin-Golinder, a lack of intimacy is one of the most obvious signs that a divorce is imminent.

Sure, every couple goes through dry spells, but sometimes it's more than that. A sign your marriage is failing is when "there is a definite lack of interest in sex and they don't communicate about it and don't do anything about it, or they are in very different places on it," says matrimonial lawyer Dawn Cardi. "Basically, the trigger is that sex is not working and hasn't worked in a while."

You begin to doubt yourself.

When your partner no longer prioritizes you — or worse, devalues you — self-doubt can start to creep in. "Constantly being put down and told that your thoughts aren’t valued can cause you to transfer these feelings into your career, family, and other social settings, leaving you feeling insignificant and doubting all the abilities you were once confident in," says Maria Sullivan, relationship expert and vice president of Dating.com.

According to Sullivan, what's worse is when your partner begins to make you feel like everything is your fault. When a significant other is unwilling to realize that marriage is about compromise and working things out, it could be an indication that they no longer want to be in a relationship.

You are two different people.

"Some people get divorced because they are not the same people they were when they got married," Rozin-Golinder points out. It doesn’t mean that you have to hate each other, she adds. You may have just grown apart and want different things.

Rozin-Golinder says that in her experience, "when you approach the situation from a standpoint of 'we don’t hate each other, we just are not meant to be anymore' it can soften the blow and make things easier."

There's been an instance of domestic violence.

Libby cautions that physical, sexual, or psychological abuse in any form is an obvious sign you should consider divorce.

The reality is that, more likely than not, if there has been one incident of domestic violence, there will be more. According to Dr. Brown, if you are in doubt about this, ask yourself the following question: If you had a daughter who was the victim of domestic violence, would you encourage her to stay married? "Hopefully, your response would be a resounding, 'no,'" Dr. Brown says.

Litman agrees, noting that "when your health and safety are compromised by staying in the marriage" there should be no question about whether you should leave.

If you are the victim of domestic violence and need support, you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7.

Your partner is no longer making an effort.

Marriages are often faced with a variety of challenges, and according to Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After, both spouses have to commit to solving the issue, not just one. "One partner can't do all the trying on his or her own," says Bowman. "You can't go anywhere like that."

Sullivan agrees, adding, "It’s normal and common to feel something is missing when your partner is failing to hold up their end of the bargain." From big issues to daily conversations, dialogues require two people, and they can't happen if your partner isn't willing to participate.

You constantly trash talk your partner.

Libby says that one not-so-obvious sign you should consider divorce is that "you find yourself trash-talking your partner whenever you have the chance." Complaining to your girlfriends every now and then about something your husband does that bugs you is very different than consistently and constantly griping about your partner. This could mean that there's a lack of respect on both of your parts.

And if you do decide to get divorced, and you have children, Libby suggests that you not talk negatively about the other parent in front of your kids. "Relationship dynamics often reveal themselves to kids," Libby points out. "They typically know more than you think, especially in cases of infidelity. So, being open to talking, but be careful with your words — it's essential in helping them navigate a divorce."

You no longer feel the need to make an effort.

Making an effort goes both ways. If you're no longer interested in marriage counseling or reigniting that spark, it could be another sign that you need to get a divorce lawyer. "If you have too much pent-up resentment to care about moving past these problems, it’s time to pack it in," Sullivan says.

It's possible that you're not making an effort because you don't think you're at fault. "Sometimes we may tend to think that most of the fault in our marriages is with our partner," says L.A.-based couples' therapist Dr. Gary Brown. "It is generally a 50/50 proposition. It helps when marital partners take 100% responsibility for their 50% of the issues in the marriage." Of course, if you're not willing to acknowledge your shortcomings in the marriage, that's a telling sign.

You're having less face-to-face time.

Over-scheduling work commitments or spending more time on your phone is a strong indicator that a marriage is in jeopardy — especially when it is intentional. "There's a certain amount of work that a person has to do, but if you see it's becoming more and more, and it continues to increase, especially over the holidays, that's called distancing," says Cardi.

Couples whose marriages are nearly over often uncouple, or disconnect from each other, before it legally ends, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple. "If you're no longer spending any time together, if one or both partners is spending all their time at work, with friends, online — and if feels like a relief not to be with each other — it's a sign that you've already disengaged from the marriage."

You don't support or listen to each other.

"Actively hearing what your spouse is saying is vital to the survival of a marriage," says Sydney Ceruto, Ph.D., psychologist and life coach. "When neither spouse is taking the time to really hear what the other is expressing, you are demonstrating that your partner's thoughts and feelings do not matter to you." She says that this frequently leads to one or both spouses finding someone else to confide in, which can lead to infidelity.

In healthy marriages, both partners work as a team on everything from parenting to running the household to supporting each other's personal ambitions. As Savage points out, "If you've both started moving in completely separate orbits, or if you're not working together on day-to-day issues, it's a sign of serious trouble. Lack of personal, intimate exchange in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to others."

Someone has unrealistic expectations.

According to Laurie Puhn, a family and divorce attorney-mediator in New York City and author of Fight Less, Love More, one spouse may start to grasp onto the idea that if things were different from how they were in the past, then they wouldn't have the problems they're experiencing in the present — and this can lead to disappointment.

Ceruto agrees, adding, "The ability or inability to adapt to change in married life greatly depends on having realistic expectations about one's spouse. If disillusionment sets in when preconceived expectations are not met, it generates enormous dissatisfaction and makes compromise impossible, which leads to an irreparable breakdown of the marriage."

There's no compromising in terms of wants and needs.

A major part of marriage involves trying to fulfill your partner's needs while also making sure your own needs are met. It's a lifelong dance, a give-and-take, and it requires constant communication. But if your partner continually refuses to listen to what you need (time, affection, sex, help with children), or refuses to share their own needs, you're not in a good place, says Dr. Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit.

Likewise, when you start to feel like there's zero overlap (or effort to try to find overlap) in your interests, you may have a problem. "Couples should be able to share experiences they're excited about, even if someone is not personally interested in the activity," Savage explains. If your partner is simply not interested in finding middle ground with you, this could be a sign of their unhappiness in the marriage.

You're not on the same page about your future.

Sometimes when two people get together, someone has a future plan in mind that they fail to relay to their partner before tying the knot. According to Talia Litman, a certified marriage and family therapist, you should probably be wary "when your life agendas and timelines don't and never will align" in a marriage.

There are many areas of compromise in a long-term relationship, but if one of you is absolutely sure you want a child and the other categorically refuses, you're likely in trouble. "If someone's close to either side of the will-we-or-won't-we-have-children fence, you can work through it. But if not, and having a child is a life goal of yours, you may be looking at the end of your marriage," Bowman says.

Dr. Brown agrees, adding, "If you want children and your partner clearly does not, that may be a deal breaker. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up on something as basic as wanting (or not wanting) a family. If your partner strongly desires a family, and you do not, then you may need to consider whether or not your marriage can be viable in the long run."

There's a lack of respect in the relationship.

One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. When that's gone and one partner consistently feels dismissed and rejected, you're not in a healthy relationship. "Marriages that reach this place are toxic — you're no longer civil, and all discourse is either attacking or defending," says Savage.

That disrespect may even turn into feelings of contempt. Ceruto says contempt is toxic to a marriage, because it conveys disgust and superiority on such a deep level. "Contempt is fueled by simmering negative thoughts about one's spouse and it arises in the form of an attack on someone's sense of self," she explains. And contempt can lead to resentment, which Savage says often takes up space in the relationship to the point where there's no room for connection or intimacy.

The good news is that a divorce could make you and your counterpart better towards each other. "Allow for the possibility that you both may turn out to be kinder, happier people as a result of the divorce," says Libby.

You're fighting more frequently than in the past.

Though your marriage can certainly thrive in the face of normal adversities, there are couples who manage to turn every adversity into a fight. Dr. Brown refers to those marriages as "'high conflict,' where it seems that almost every issue has become a toxic and destructively emotional experience." As he explains, "If this cycle continues without some forms of effective intervention, the prognosis for a healthy marriage is almost nil."

According to Puhn, it's definitely an issue if the arguments that you're having are redundant and never get resolved. "Marriage is all about knowing good communication skills and how to resolve conflicts," she says. "My research shows that 69% of divorcing couples have reported unresolved arguments, which lead to feelings of hopelessness."

One of you commits adultery.

For many couples, cheating is a non-negotiable. If trust is paramount for you to continue on in your relationship, this will come as no surprise.

Even if it's just one time, if you will never look at your spouse the same way again or you'll live the rest of your lives not getting over the betrayal, it may mean that you need to move on for everyone's sake.

One spouse is a serial cheater.

It's possible that your spouse just isn't cut out for marriage or monogamy, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married, says Bowman. They also may put the blame for their philandering and untrustworthiness on you, accusing you of being too jealous or controlling.

When trust is broken in such a painful way, it is difficult to recover, and if your partner has had multiple affairs, "it is highly improbable that there will be enough good will for your marriage to be viable," according to Dr. Brown. Even if you decide to stay in the marriage, it is doubtful that you will ever be able to fully trust your partner if they have cheated multiple times. As Litman points out, when you "can't get past a major breach of trust in the marriage despite many efforts and discussions," that's a telltale sign your marriage may be beyond repair.

Someone files for divorce.

A divorce filing can be a huge wake-up call. But according to Rozin-Golinder, couples getting back together during divorce proceedings actually happens much more often than you think.

"Sometimes it takes a divorce filing for people to understand this is not what they really want and that they want to work on the marriage and salvage it," she says. "I have had cases go through an entire litigation and when we are at the final court appearance to put the divorce through, they decide to reconcile." She's also seen divorces finalized, only to have the couple remarry. "Sometimes it takes a huge step towards a change to realize that the loss of the marriage is not what people want after all," she says.

That said, if you've gotten very far in your divorce process and neither party budges, there's no turning back. Just do the best you can to navigate this challenging time and stay true to yourself.

Brie Gatchalian Brie Gatchalian is a mom of two, experienced cat mom, wife and freelance writer based in North Jersey.