Ignoring an ex that dumped you is the only way to get her back that also puts your mental health first. The problem is, most guys don’t follow that advice.
I was one of them, back when I was younger.
I was a few days and a few texts away from getting her back.
At least, that’s how I felt, the first time I was dumped. After my ex and I broke up, I figured the only thing I had to do was re-awaken the feelings that she used to have for me. I figured the easiest way to do that was to keep contacting her after we broke up in the hope that I could get her to take an interest in me.
Contents
- 1 A Few Days Later, I Realized I Was Completely Wrong
- 2 I Made The Decision To Start Ignoring My Ex Girlfriend
- 3 What You Need Is The No Contact Rule
- 4 When You Ignore Her, You Have A Chance To Get Her Back
- 4.1 Here’s Exactly What You Need To Do
- 5 There Are Multiple Benefits To Ignoring Your Ex Girlfriend
- 5.1 1: You Can Prioritize Your Healing
- 5.2 2: You Won’t Make The Mistake Of Being Friends
- 5.3 3: You Can Start Dating Again Without Worrying About What She Thinks
- 5.4 4: You Won’t Know If She’s Seeing Other Guys
- 6 Why Ignoring Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Powerful
- 7 This Is How Your Ex Feels When You Ignore Her
- 8 Ignoring An Ex That Dumped You Allows The Power Of Time & Memory To Get To Work
- 9 So How Long Should I Ignore Her?
A Few Days Later, I Realized I Was Completely Wrong
It didn’t matter what I did.
I tried sweet emails. I called her when she got off of work. I told her how much I missed her and wanted her back in my life.
Eventually, it got to the point where one of her friends ended up taking her phone. God bless that woman because she somehow managed to tell me to fuck off in the nicest possible way.
Do you think I listened to her, though? Of course not. I was completely and totally committed to getting my ex back. My ex was my world, and I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I had no interest in giving up.
So I called several more times over the course of a few weeks.
But, I got no response. By this point, the pain of the breakup really started to hit me hard. I had avoided it for a few weeks, but I couldn’t run forever.
Read More: Here’s Why The Breakup Hit You Later Than It Hit Her
Chasing after her was having a major impact on my mental health. My feelings were all over the place.
Yeah, I’ll admit, it was more than just my feelings that were hurt. It was also my pride. It felt like my life was over. But I had to find a way to deal with it.
So…
I Made The Decision To Start Ignoring My Ex Girlfriend
In frustration, I decided not to contact her anymore. My emotions were all over the place. Sometimes I was angry. Other times I was hurt. Processing it all was difficult. Above all though, I missed the girl I loved. I constantly fought the urge to contact her.
This went on for a few weeks, and I started to get the idea that she didn’t miss me.
But one night, I saw her name pop up.
I immediately dropped what I was doing, with my stomach tied in knots.
I don’t remember exactly what she said – but it wasn’t much. I think it was “hey” or something similar. At the same time though, it was enough.
In less than 5 minutes I fired off 3 or 4 needy texts at this girl, which of course she didn’t reply to.
Again, frustrated, I put down the phone and decided to take a break from contacting her.
What You Need Is The No Contact Rule
Does this sound like something you’re doing right now or something you’ve done before?
If so, you’re making one of the BIGGEST mistakes you can make if you want to get your ex-girlfriend back.
The fact is, if she dumped you, the last thing she wants is you to constantly contact her. The more you push your feelings on her my friend, the further you push her away.
Most guys don’t realize this until it’s too late. Don’t be one of them.
You have to let women come to you when they want. This goes double for an ex-girlfriend who dumped you.
If you are still in contact with her, you need to take a break right now.
I want you to put down your phone, take a deep breath, and stop thinking for a second. Click the link below to open my definitive guide to the no contact rule and read it after you finish with this article.
Read More: The Definitive Guide To No Contact With Your Ex-Girlfriend
Because if you keep blowing her up, at best, she’s going to ignore you. At worst, you’re going to push her into the arms of another guy.
So put down the phone, get off of social media and stop worrying that she’s going to find a new guy because you’re not “fighting for her”.
I’m going to show you that the most powerful thing you can do to get her back (and more importantly, to process the breakup) is absolutely fucking nothing. Imagine that.
You need to ignore her until she’s willing to meet up with you again in person. If you don’t agree, feel free to play long-distance tennis over the phone and see what happens. It’s your life. You’ll just have to deal with the consequences.
When You Ignore Her, You Have A Chance To Get Her Back
I hate to break it to you, partner, but after she’s dumped you, you can’t negotiate your way back into her life. It doesn’t matter if she has residual feelings for you or not. It doesn’t matter how much you miss her.
You have to accept that your relationship is over.
Accepting the break up means that you’re able to walk away.
And when you’re able to walk away, you actually have a chance of getting her back in the future.
We’ll talk about why that is in a second.
So why do you have to go no contact and ignore her if you want to get her back?
When it comes to getting back together with your ex-girlfriend who dumped you, there are no guarantees for how things will go. According to my research, there’s about a 37% chance you will get back together with her.
Read More: Will She Come Back? How To Improve Your Chances
Those aren’t great odds. I understand that despite that, you’ll probably hold out hope you are part of the 37%. That’s fine – but you need to get to a place where you are okay with the scenario that she doesn’t come back.
Your odds may be higher, but without knowing your personal situation I can’t say for sure. If you want to give me more information about your situation, I will be able to give you better odds as well as advice that is tailored to your unique situation.
Learn Your Chances Of Getting Her Back
Regardless of your chances though, you shouldn’t go out and get a new girlfriend to replace her. Instead, you need to ignore your ex and focus on building a life you love.
At Men’s Breakup, one of the key concepts I teach is how to build a life of long-term, masculine happiness. That means being comfortable in your own skin with a life you are happy to live even if she never comes back.
This my friend, is the foundational principle of what I call outcome independence.
Read More: Outcome Independence In Dating – Be Different With Indifference
Becoming outcome-independent doesn’t happen overnight, which is part of the reason my course The Fundamentals has an entire module dedicated to it…
Here’s Exactly What You Need To Do
How To Build Outcome Independence After A Breakup
- Decide to move on from your ex and your relationship;
- Don’t agree to be friends for any reason;
- Stop caring about what she does;
- Don’t contact her for any reason;
- Become a better person;
- Start dating other women (even if it’s not serious);
- Stay active (particularly in combat sports, and hit the weights);
- Improve your confidence;
- Stay off social media;
- Stop jerking off;
It’s a gradual process, but it’s one that will improve your life.
And with enough time, it will make getting over the break up easier. And trust me, my friend, you have nothing but time right now.
Because your ex-girlfriend is going to need time to rethink what she did, and how she feels about you. This could be weeks, months, or even years. It really depends on your unique situation. Depending on who she is, how the relationship ended, and a whole host of other factors it’s impossible for me to give you a precise estimate without knowing more information about your personal situation.
How Long Will You Have To Ignore Her?
It’s about feelings for women, not necessarily what you do or what you say.
That’s why she can never remember what you said that made her cry, only that you made her cry, and you’re an asshole.
The only way you’re going to make any progress with her is to back off, and let her come to you on her own terms.
If your ex left you in haste, she’ll need time to think about her decision and understand her feelings to see if she had the right idea when she chose to dump you. It’s possible she may never change her mind, especially if she planned to dump you ahead of time.
Alternatively, it was possible she planned to dump you all along.
Read More: Your Ex Moved On So Fast Because For Her, Your Relationship Was Already Over
There’s a chance she’ll end up meeting other men, and you have to learn to be unbothered by that possibility.
Read More: Stop Worrying About Your Ex Girlfriend’s Rebound Relationship
When you reach the point where you are okay with letting go of your former relationship, you gain the upper hand because…
There Are Multiple Benefits To Ignoring Your Ex Girlfriend
There are way too many benefits to ignoring your ex girlfriend for me to cover them all here. For our purposes, we’ll focus on the 4 key ones. Pay attention to the fact that none of them involve getting her back – at this point you shouldn’t be focused on your ex. You should be focused on yourself.
1: You Can Prioritize Your Healing
Research has shown that contact with your ex can reactivate painful emotions and lengthen the amount of time it takes to recover from your break up.[1]
When you are still in contact with her, whether it’s because you are friends, or because you are trying to get her back – healing is much harder. You are biochemically addicted to your ex girlfriend. Until you can move on, contact with her is like a hit of a drug. Until you break your addiction, moving forward will be difficult.
Read More: How To Break Your Ex-Girlfriend Addiction (ps, this is one of my most popular posts for a reason)
2: You Won’t Make The Mistake Of Being Friends
When you are still in contact with your ex after your relationship is over, you basically turn into friends.
But being friends with your ex is a mistake. You can love her as a person all you want. But that doesn’t change the fact that you need to be able to let her go (at least until you move on completely) before you try to pursue a friendship.
Don’t become the codependent partner who can’t move on.
Read More: She Dumped Me, But Wants To Be Friends. Now What?
3: You Can Start Dating Again Without Worrying About What She Thinks
How would you feel if she found out you were dating someone else? If you are like most men (and you still want her back) you probably will feel pretty damn embarrassed to be caught dating someone else.
Even though you have no reason to be.
If you aren’t in contact with her (and you’ve followed my advice to avoid social media) she won’t know. And trust me, you’ll miss her a lot less if you are dating other women. Even if you want her back. If this seems deceitful or disingenuous to you, well…
Read More: Dating After A Breakup
4: You Won’t Know If She’s Seeing Other Guys
If she broke up with you, I’m willing to bet that the last thing you want to hear is that she’s seeing someone else.
When you are constantly in contact with your ex, she might decide to slip in the fact that she’s seeing someone else. This can either be a power move because she’s angry/jealous or a subtle reminder that she doesn’t want to get back together with you.
Either way – knowing that she’s with another guy shouldn’t change what you are doing
Why Ignoring Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Powerful
Ignoring your ex-girlfriend who dumped you is powerful because it’s a signal that if she wants you back in her life, she has to take the responsibility for making it happen.
When you are willing to walk away, it sends a clear statement of intent. It says that you are willing to move on without her. It tells her that you have the self-respect not to chase a woman who doesn’t want you in her life.
It shouldn’t take a relationship expert for you to realize that begging and pleading aren’t going to work.
Instead, let’s look at some science-backed personality traits that women tend to find attractive:
What Women Find Attractive (With Peer-Reviewed Studies Attached)
- Outcome independence (read: not available whenever she wants you to be)[2][3]
- Humor [4][5]
- Kindness & Altruism [6][7]
- Bravery (ability to take risks…like letting her walk away)[8][9]
- Non-judgemental behavior [10]
- Socially competent [11]
By no means is this an exhaustive list of traits, but it does paint a clear picture if you read between the lines. Women are GENERALLY attracted to men who are confident in themselves and don’t take themselves or others around them too seriously. Men who are kind to others can take a hint and are too busy doing their own thing to judge others.
What’s the exact opposite of that description?
A weak, needy man who lacks the self-confidence and social ability to read the room. A man who is always available, who makes others feel bad about their choices, whether directly or indirectly.
When you keep contacting her after you break up, she’ll realize you are in the latter category, and you will get mentally filed away into 1 of 3 categories.
You become:
- The annoying ex that can’t take a hint (best case scenario)
- A serial stalker / creep that won’t leave her alone
- The guy who won’t take no for an answer, who tries to force himself where he isn’t wanted.
But, when you have the balls to ignore your ex for a little bit, you avoid getting filed away into one of those categories. While this by no means guarantees anything, it does give her the opportunity to walk back into your life without feeling forced, or because she feels judged.
This is why ignoring her is so powerful. You give her the opportunity, instead of trying to force things. When it’s her decision, instead of you trying to force the issue, you’ll be better off.
This Is How Your Ex Feels When You Ignore Her
When you ignore her first attempt to contact you, she may experience a range of emotions. Your ex may feel annoyed, confused, frustrated, or sad. It’s impossible to say for sure.
None of these are bad things. Remember, she broke up with you. How she feels when you ignore her attempt to contact you is not your problem.
If she wants concrete answers, she needs to ask for them.
The only way she can get the answers to her demand is to reach out to you again in the hopes that you will respond to her.
Now, she may not reach out again, but as I said before, that’s the risk you take if you want her back. That’s why it’s important to be outcome-independent.
Because when she first reaches out, everything inside of you is going to be screaming.
Fight it. More likely than not, the first time she reaches out will be something silly to see if you’ll respond. Unless she tells you that she wants to talk about things, you are better off not responding.
Wait for her to reach out a second time.
You want to let her emotions build up to such a critical mass that she’ll reach out to you again.
Because if she reaches out a second time, there’s a reason for it. The second time is almost never a test.
If she’s reaching out a second time, she’s interested. It doesn’t mean she’s interested in going out with you again, but it means you’ve aroused enough interest in her that she wants to contact you again.
At that point, if you want her back, you need to invite her out on a date. Don’t try anything else. If she declines, go back to ignoring her. Be polite about it.
Read More: The Best Way To Act Around Her If You Want Her Back
You should never be the one to reach out. You want her to reach out to you.
And every time she reaches out? Try to set a date, and nothing else.
If she declines your date offer twice, stop offering it as an option unless she brings it up, and ignore her until she does.
If she keeps reaching out but won’t make a date, she’s wasting your time. Don’t let any woman waste your time, because you’ll never get it back.
Read More: Don’t Give Her Attention, Let Her Earn It
This is the power dynamic flipped upside down – with her coming to you, instead of you begging her to talk to you.
It also starts the chase again, which you need if you want any chance of getting her back again.
It kickstarts her feelings and will make her think about you.
Ignoring An Ex That Dumped You Allows The Power Of Time & Memory To Get To Work
It’s been shown over and over that even though we remember bad memories, we forget how they made us feel.
We also tend to remember the positive memories over the negative ones.
If the bell inside your head isn’t ringing yet, it should be.
At the moment, your ex-girlfriend who dumped you is remembering you in an extremely negative light, where she is probably focused on all the things she doesn’t like about you.
But if you wait long enough, it won’t always be like that. Sure, ignoring her doesn’t guarantee anything. It’s completely possible that she’s not coming back. But it gives you the best possible shot.
Because here’s the thing: even though the relationship with your ex-girlfriend isn’t working right now, there was a point when it was. There was a point where she was happy, and she was attracted to you.
Those are positive memories, and they will come back if you give them enough time.
It’s this dynamic that you’re counting on in order to get her back.
Perhaps the biggest benefit of ignoring your ex-girlfriend is that it buys you time.
It buys you time for her feelings to run their course, which makes bad memories of you in the relationship fade.
It buys you time to spend in the gym, dating other women, and work on becoming a better man.
It’s these experiences that will help you re-attract her. She was already attracted to the old you. If you give it time, it’s possible she’ll be attracted to the new you too.
By ignoring her, you’ve teased that you’re changing. Growing. Becoming more confident. All things that any woman wants.
You’re also giving her the space to chase you again, and to choose when she comes to you, as opposed to you constantly pursuing her.
Now you need to do the hard work to become a more attractive man, that way when she reaches out, the guy she sees is that much better.
The new guy that lets her come to him is a guy she’ll be much more attracted to.
So How Long Should I Ignore Her?
Alright, I know I’m going to get some technical questions here so let me answer these really quick.
Your job isn’t to ignore her for a specified amount of time. That’s the wrong way to think.
If you’re going to be truly outcome-independent, you’re not going to put a time limit on this.
As far as you’re concerned, your relationship is over and your ex-girlfriend is never coming back. Your day-to-day reality needs to reflect that.
Chances are she’ll reach out eventually, but it’s impossible to say how long it will take.
It might take her months to reach out.
Don’t count the days.
Focus on growing and improving yourself every day.
She’ll either come, or she won’t.
At this point, it’s out of your hands. You’re focusing on what you can control (you) instead of focusing on what you can’t control (her).
There are also going to be some of you who feel guilty for ignoring your ex. It’s not rude to ignore your ex-girlfriend. She ended the relationship.