“Our Relationships with others help define who we are” Dylan Mamo Show Source: Shutterstock When we are involved in serious romantic relationships, we find ourselves turning from a “me” to an “us”.1 This isn’t just a matter of semantics: The very nature of the self evolves through the relationship. We start to see our own self-concept as overlapping with that of our partner.2 That means that as we become increasingly committed, we find our self-concept actually changing—the “us” becomes “me.”3 But how does our self-concept change, and are these changes good or bad for us and our relationships? According to Mattingly, Lewandowski, and McIntyre, our relationships can change our self-concepts in two ways:4
Because both the size and valence of our self-concept can shift, there are four distinct types of self-concept changes that can occur as our relationships become increasingly serious and interdependent4:
So, your relationship can change your self-concept, for better or worse. But how do these changes to your self-concept affect your relationship, as it continues to evolve? McIntyre and colleagues conducted two studies examining the connection between self-concept change and relationship outcomes:3
Thus, the impact your relationship has on your self-concept will, in turn, affect how you feel about your relationship. More than that, it will affect how you treat your partner and the efforts that you make to maintain your relationship. When your relationship changes you for the better, you’ll go the extra mile for the sake of that relationship. I am an associate professor of psychology at Albright College who studies relationships and cyberpsychology. Follow me on Twitter for updates about social psychology, relationships, and online behavior.
References 1 Agnew C. R., Van Lange P. A., Rusbult C. E., Langston C. A. (1998). Cognitive interdependence: Commitment and the mental representation of close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 939–954. 2 Aron A., Aron E. N., Smollan D. (1992). Inclusion of other in the self scale and the structure of interpersonal closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63, 596–612. 3 McIntyre, K. P., Mattingly, B. A., & Lewandowski, G. W., Jr. (2014). When “we” changes to “me”. The two-dimensional model of relational self-change and relationship outcomes. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Published online before print, doi:10.1177/0265407514553334 4 Mattingly, B. A., Lewandowski, G. W., Jr., & McIntyre, K. P. (2014). “You make me a better/worse person”: A two-dimensional model of relationship self-change. Personal Relationships, 21, 176-190. How do relationships define who you are?Relationships define who we are because we act differently around one another. Although relationships come in many forms,there are kinds that bring friends together and can get mutual feeling towards each other.
How do relationships shape our identity?Relationships can shape the self-concept, draw out unique aspects of an individual's personality, and influence individual perspectives and goals. Yet the self is not a passive player in relationships as self-related goals and motives can also influence how relationships form and develop.
In what ways our relationships influence various aspects of our personality?Other times, our partners can help us purge undesirable traits, such as a smoking habit, a weight problem, or a lack of self-confidence. Self-adulteration. We gain negative traits. This can occur when being in the relationship consistently changes your behavior for the worse.
How do relationships change you?Meaningful connections with a partner will make you feel positive about life in general, and about who you are in particular. A meaningful relationship will make you value and enjoy life much more because it will instantly change your attitude and optimism, and you'll become more aware of your personal potential.
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