How to move on after a breakup when you are still in love

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Breakups are always painful, but they're especially tough when the two of you still have feelings for each other. Unfortunately, sometimes people who love each other are pulled apart by things like distance, trouble communicating, trust issues, or having a different vision for the future. It might not feel like it right now, but you're going to feel better with time. And since you both still care, you might even find a way to still be friends one day in the future.

1. 

   Both of you need time to heal. It's hard when you're used to leaning on your partner for everything, but after you break up, it's best to avoid calling or texting them. You'll probably need at least a few weeks before you can talk without feeling hurt again, but don't be surprised if it takes longer, especially if you were together for a long time.[1]

   • Try not to hang out in spaces where you know your ex usually goes. It's also probably a good idea to unfriend or unfollow each other on social media.
   • If one or both of you has decided it's really better to break up, getting some space will help you avoid the pull to get back together or hook up one last time—either of which will likely just prolong the end.[2]
   • If you're not sure you want to be broken up, taking some time apart will help both of you sort through your feelings and figure out what you want to do.

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1. 

   Tell yourself it's okay to be sad. When you go through a breakup, it's really important to let yourself process your feelings. That's especially true when you still care a lot about the person. Don't try to put on a brave face and just power through it. Listen to breakup songs, cry if you need to, call up a friend to come over—anything that feels true to what you're going through.[3]

   • It's totally normal to need some time off during a breakup, so don't be too hard on yourself if you need to cut back your hours at work or school. [4]
   • After a few days, gradually start working your way back into a normal, healthy routine. It's okay if you still feel sad longer than this, but you have to start moving forward to feel better.
   • Don't mask how you're feeling with things like drugs, alcohol, junk food, or a rebound relationship. Those won't help you work through your feelings, and they can make it harder to move on in the long run.

1. 

   Make sure your body and mind are as healthy as possible. It's okay if you don't feel much like getting out of bed for the first day or two after a breakup. However, after that, you'll feel a lot better when you start taking care of yourself. Try to stick to a regular sleep routine, get some physical exercise, and eat nutritious meals that make your body feel good. You'll feel stronger and more empowered, and that can make it easier to deal with the emotions around the breakup.[5]

   • Do things that make you feel relaxed and special, too—like getting a massage, taking a long bath, or going to a favorite restaurant with a supportive friend.
   • Try saying positive affirmations out loud to yourself, like "I love myself and I am enough."[6]
   • Spending time in nature can be a great way to boost your mood, so try getting outside for a walk, hike, or picnic.[7]
   • Remember, just because you still care about your ex doesn't mean you should stop caring about yourself![8]

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1. 

   Lean on supportive friends and family members. You're dealing with the loss of an important relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it alone. Chances are, you have a friend, family member, or coworker who will be more than happy to let you vent. Talk to them about why the two of you weren't a good fit, but be open about the fact that you still care about each other. Not only will this help you process what you're feeling, but your friends may be able to help you get some perspective on the situation.[9]

   • If you're not comfortable opening up, try writing about your feelings in a journal. It's a private way to work through your emotions so they don't feel so bottled up.
   • If you're not sure who to talk to, try joining a local support group or reach out to a therapist.

1. 

   Fill up your time doing things that make you happy. After a breakup, you can sometimes find yourself with extra time on your hands. Don't just sit around and think about your ex, though! Now's the time to do some things you really love. Watch a movie you've been meaning to see, read a great book, go shopping, head out of town, take a new class—the sky's the limit, so get out and enjoy yourself![10]

   • When you're ready, open yourself up to going on dates with new people. Even if you're not ready for another serious relationship, it can help to see what else is out there.

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1. 

   Embrace your independence. Sure, you still love your ex, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the freedom that comes with being unattached. Try making a list of all of the things that you can do now that you couldn't when you were in a relationship, then read over that list when you're feeling blue. For instance, when you're single, you can:[11]

   • Eat whatever you want
   • Go to bed and wake up on your own schedule
   • Pick shows and movies to watch
   • Travel freely
   • See friends and family anytime
   • Be as messy or as neat as you want

1. 

   Think about what you could have done differently. Maybe the two of you had different values, wanted different things in life, or weren't able to work through arguments in a mature way. Once you understand what went wrong, think about how you would approach things in a different way if you could go back and start over. These lessons can be a really powerful tool for helping you heal and move on.[12]

   • Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes—what do you think they wanted to see from you? For instance, if you had trouble communicating, they might have just needed to feel heard.
   • If the issues are something you can't compromise on—like one of you wants children and the other doesn't, or one of you thinks money and status are important and the other values family time—you might use that lesson to help you choose a more compatible partner in your next relationship.
   • Try reading books on personal growth, listen to podcasts on healing from breakups, or talk to a therapist. All of these things can help you get insight into what you can learn from the relationship.[13]

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1. 

   Ignore the self-doubt that can creep in after a breakup. It's normal to focus on your flaws when a relationship ends, but try not to listen to that critical voice. After all, your ex does care about you, but the two of you just weren't a good fit. Instead, get in the habit of replacing negative thoughts with something kind about yourself. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated a certain way—and if your ex wasn't able to provide you with that, maybe they weren't the right person for you after all.[14]

   • For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'll be alone forever," replace that with something like, "I'm funny and smart, and I'll find the right person one day."
   • If you need to, make a list of all of your best qualities, then read over them when you're having trouble feeling confident.

1. 

   After a couple of weeks, you have to get back to your life. You might still be struggling with grief over the end of your relationship, but it's important to find ways to still function. One way to do this is to have a certain time each day to let the full weight of your emotions hit you. For instance, you might cry for 15 minutes in the shower, but once you get out, hold your chin up and get on with your day.[15]

   • This way, you're still allowing yourself to process what you feel, but you're not letting the breakup interfere with your job, parenting, or other responsibilities.

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1. 

   Reach out if you think you can be casual friends. It could take months of not seeing each other before you feel strong enough, but if you still really love this person, you might decide that it's worth trying to salvage a friendship. Wait until you feel strong enough, and talk to them openly about whether they're okay with the idea.[16] With enough time, you might be able to text once in a while or be friendly in public without things being weird.[17]

   • Don't expect them to be your best friend, though. It's probably better to always have a little distance between you if you can't be together romantically.

1. 

   Make sure you're clear on what will be different this time. Even if the two of you hold on to your feelings for a long time, the relationship will only work if you're able to fix what went wrong the first time.[18]

   • For instance, if you broke up because one of you wanted children and the other didn't, you should only get back together if one of you definitely changed their minds.
   • If you broke up because your ex wasn't ready to commit, they'll need to prove to you that they're ready to be in a serious relationship now.

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Add New Question

• Question

  How do I move on?

  

  Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach, Matchmaker and the Founder of Single in the City, her dating and relationship coaching service based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. With over 18 years of date coaching experience, Laura specializes in dating etiquette, relationships, and human behavior. She is the host of the Dating and Relationship Radio Talk Show on AM640 and on Apple Podcasts. She is also the author of "Single in the City: From Hookups & Heartbreaks To Love & Lifemates, Tales & Tips To Attract Your Perfect Match."

  

  Dating Coach & Matchmaker

  Expert Answer

  Try saying positive affirmations out loud to yourself, like "I love myself and I am enough."

• Question

  How do you let someone go emotionally?

  

  Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

  

  Licensed Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  Try reading books on personal growth, listen to podcasts on healing from breakups, or talk to a therapist. All of these things can help you get insight into what you can learn from the relationship.

• Question

  How do you let go of someone you love?

  

  Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

  

  Licensed Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  If one or both of you has decided it's really better to break up, getting some space will help you avoid the pull to get back together or hook up one last time—either of which will likely just prolong the end. Remember, just because you still care about your ex doesn't mean you should stop caring about yourself!

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References

1. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
2. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
3. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
4. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
5. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
6. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/laugh-cry-live/201803/breaking-when-youre-still-in-love-different-paths
8. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
9. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf

1. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
2. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
3. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
4. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
5. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
6. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
7. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
8. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
9. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.

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