Husband doesn t want to spend Christmas with my family

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When people ask me about my Christmas plans, it usually goes something like this.

Them: ‘So are you both travelling back to France, or are you staying here in the UK?’

Me: ‘Oh yes I am, but Will is staying here, we just do it separately every year, it’s easier’

Them: ‘Oh, so you spend Christmas apart?’ or ‘But you’ll travel back for boxing day right?’  or ‘Now that you’re married, you’ll take it in turns, no?’. You get the idea.

The fact it, I am selfish. I like the way my family does Christmas, and I’m not willing to compromise. We all dress up on Christmas Eve to eat seafood and drink champagne (and open presents, controversial I know, but if even the royals do it…). On Christmas Day, we also dress up, and eat far too much foie gras and cheese, before falling out over a game of Trivial Pursuit, and that’s just the way I like it.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband feels the same way. His family have their own traditions, involving homemade sausage rolls, building lego and Christmas jumpers, which he doesn’t want to miss, and that’s fine by me too.

Then there is the fact that his parents are separated, and his sister has a family of her own, so I don’t really fancy adding on France as an extra stop after Essex and Suffolk.

We vaguely discussed alternating when we got engaged, and then we got married and well, things didn’t really change, because truth be told we are happy with the arrangement, we simply always make sure we do our own faux-mas before we part ways.

Many of my friends do that whole ‘compromise’ thing, and from what I can tell, it’s a bit of a headache and logistical nightmare, and more often than not ends in an argument – so much so that one couple I know (who shall not be named) decided to ditch both families altogether and spend Christmas as a couple on the slopes.

It’s not like I don’t see my husband’s family (who I love, promise) for every other occasion, from birthdays to weddings, throughout the year, so I don’t feel guilty about it either.

As for my husband, of course I’d love to be with him on THE day, but for now I’m happy seeing him every other day of the year, and you know what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder.

We’ll reassess if and when we have children. Definitely. Maybe.

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RubyG3112 · 25/12/2019 22:12

My husbands family live abroad, he is so close to them (as I am to my family) and we started having the awkward 'where to spend Christmas' conversations months ago but we couldn't come to an agreement that we were both happy with. I should say, the last 6 years we've always spent Christmas with our own families and I always go over to my husband and his family on Boxing Day and stay for a week or so.

This year would have been our first Christmas as a married couple and as parents (our son is 8 weeks old) so we wanted to be together. He asked me to have Christmas with his family and I just felt too guilty about leaving my own parents, who are much older than his and were so excited about being with my baby, who they idolise! Whilst my husbands family is much larger and would have a house full of children and visitors.

Even though I wanted him to stay home with me, I didn't want to out right ask him because I knew he would stay out of moral duty and I couldn't bare the thought of him being here and missing his family and feeling homesick. In the end we decided to spend Christmas with our own parents as the baby would have no idea what was going on anyway.

I went over with him to spend a week with his family so they could spend time with the baby and we had the whole Christmas build up together and I flew home to my family with the baby yesterday. Even though it was the plan, I can't help feel absolutely gutted that we didn't spend Christmas together, I've been looking at so many posts on Instagram and Facebook of couples and new families and how happy they are and feel so hurt my husband didn't want to be with me and the baby.

Am I being selfish because I also chose to be home or am I right to feel hurt and tbh resentful that he spent the day being pampered by his mum like he's still a child rather than be here with us being a dad and a husband? I feel like he considered his parents and siblings his real family and me and the baby are second best.

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BumbleBeee69 · 25/12/2019 22:19

I fear this is the conversation you are both going to be having forever OP, until something gives. You can only do what works for you both but ultimately your Child will get older and things may change in that you both will maybe want to be at home with you Child.
I can feel your pain, in you post, but feel this might continue to be a long term issue, I'd be preparing for your DH to be away most Christmases, unless you speak up

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Elmer83 · 25/12/2019 22:20

I’d be sad too. He’s picked his family over his wife and child. Big hugs but I feel a talk is needed when he returns so you came come to compromise for next year. What about taking it turns. One year your parents and next year his? Xx

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 25/12/2019 22:27

Were you not pampered by your parents too, OP? I don't think you can criticise your husband for being fussed over by his family.

This will only change when you both decide to change it, ie. be at home together on Christmas Day and do the family visits before/after. Would that be an option for you?

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BrieAndChilli · 25/12/2019 22:27

But then to him you have chosen your family over him! You could equally have chosen to spend Christmas with him.

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BrieAndChilli · 25/12/2019 22:27

Maybe you should just stay at home in your own house and do Christmas as your own family?

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QueenOfTheFae · 25/12/2019 22:29

Why dont you (do what many other families do and ) alternate each year?

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Purpleartichoke · 25/12/2019 22:31

This is crazy. You form a family unit when you get married. Either have Christmas at home or alternate years or come up with some other solution, but you don’t split up your own family at Christmas.

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FreshBread · 25/12/2019 22:34

To be fair, you also chose to spend time with your family instead of with your husband. So he made the exact same choice you did!!

Why not alternate where you spend christmases in future and spend them together?

At the moment, you're expecting him to make a choice that you didn't make either.

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Pepperama · 25/12/2019 22:34

We had the same situation - but both parents abroad and in different places. We spent the first Xmas after baby apart but then decided to alternate - one Christmas with my lot and then one with the in laws. The non-Xmas family gets us over New Year.

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Drum2018 · 25/12/2019 22:34

3 options for future reference

-Alternate between both families
-Continue as you are and spend Christmas Day apart
-Stay in your own house and, if you wish, invite parents to dinner (his to stay) or just have the day to yourselves and visit family either side of the day.

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ConfCall · 25/12/2019 22:39

Stay at home next year and tell both sets of parents that they’re very welcome to join you. If your ILs can’t or won’t make the trip, go there for a week over New Year.

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OPTIMUMMY · 25/12/2019 22:41

I think you need to be honest about how this has made you feel, I think you’ve given mixed messages by not just telling him. You say you didn’t want him to stay with you and your child because of a sense of duty but once you have kids and a family they come first - that’s the duty! There is nothing wrong with him doing things because he ought to! I think he should have come home with you after getting to spend the time with his family first- I think it’s odd that his own family didn’t suggest this! Moving forward I’d spell it out for him rather than let it build into hurt and resentment- there must be lots of ways you can allow both him having family time back with his parents and also family time with you.

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whonoes · 25/12/2019 22:43

I don’t blame you for being miffed. This situation can’t carry on. It was your first Xmas as a family unit and you shouldn’t be all over the place. It’s now time to start putting your foot down. You are now in charge as you have the newest baby. You now become lead female. Do it now before you end up living out of suitcases every Xmas! When my kids came along I set my intentions. I’d spent years travelling and accommodating every body else’s wishes. Once my kids came along then my house is mine and mine kids base. We do not budge. Anybody is welcome to come join us but my kids get their presents under our tree and we decorate our house. I feel it’s important our kids have memories of Xmas morning in their own bedrooms. Say now that next Xmas you and your child will be staying put and the families can now join you. Why should you not get Xmas in your own house? Don’t stand for it.

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misspiggy19 · 25/12/2019 22:43

YABU

But then to him you have chosen your family over him! You could equally have chosen to spend Christmas with him.

^This.

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SpaghettiSharon · 25/12/2019 22:44

Can’t believe your parents thought this was ok! If I was your mum I’d have put my foot down about u putting your new family first and spending Christmas with them. Then you alternate. It’s what most couples do if they don’t live close enough to visit both on Christmas Day. No chance would I put my parents above my dh and DS!

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MissSueDenim · 25/12/2019 22:45

I feel like he considered his parents and siblings his real family and me and the baby are second best.

Er... isn’t that rather hypocritical? You equally chose your family over him!!

Also, it could be argued that you are more selfish as your parents get to see you & the baby regularly throughout the year whereas his family don’t as they’re abroad.

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AloneLonelyLoner · 25/12/2019 22:49

YABU. You also chose your extended family.

Alternate years or something in the future, but...

It's one day. It's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Don't let something small like this cause an issue between you. You both chose extended family. If you and the baby come first (which is reasonable) stay in your own home. As it is already he is in a country not his own and has chosen to spend his life away from his culture and family. Get perspective!

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MsTSwift · 25/12/2019 22:55

You’re not children anymore. You have created a new family amazed how long it takes some people to realise this!

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lazyarse123 · 25/12/2019 22:57

Yabu you also chose your own parents. I will never understand the angst people feel over seeing relatives on one day. See yours the weeks before, christmas day just you three and the your dh family after christmas. It's really not difficult.

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RubyG3112 · 25/12/2019 22:58

My dad's just had a hip operation so isn't mobile atm, my sister is 39 weeks pregnant and struggling and my mum has just recently gone blind in one eye so the cooking and prepping was left to me, which I was happy to do, but it did mean a busy, tough day, whilst still looking after the baby, with everyone helping as much as they could with the circumstances.

I do understand I also chose my family but I feel like when we see his family (roughly once or twice every couple of months - weekend visits from his parents or half terms etc we go over there) we always spend quality time with them where as with my parents I see them maybe once or twice a week and it's usually just popping in or out as we're working and just living day to day so Christmas it is as important for me to spend quality time with my parents as much as it is for him.

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peachgreen · 25/12/2019 23:01

But from his perspective you see your parents every few days and he only sees his every few weeks. I agree given the circumstances you should have spent this year with your parents but that should have been through discussion and mutual agreement that you alternate each year.

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GreekOddess · 25/12/2019 23:02

It's just weird that you've managed to get yourself into this situation. You are grown ups now not kids!

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MissSueDenim · 25/12/2019 23:07

So you see his family 6 - 12 times a year & your family 52 - 104 times a year yet none of the visits with your family are quality time? Really?

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Aminuts23 · 25/12/2019 23:08

This is ridiculous. Why have you spent Christmas separately? Because you both chose to. You’re both to blame. If you wanted to spend the day together you should have. Your baby is 8 weeks old. First Christmas. You’ll never have that again ever. What a shame for your baby. You need to communicate and plan better.

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RubyG3112 · 25/12/2019 23:11

I also think I'm still holding on to past resentments when I've been in situations when I've felt I really needed him and he's went home to his family because they've wanted to see him, which leaves me with this underlying feeling I'll always be put second. Alternate Christmas's might work but I might also suggest staying In our own home, so we wake up in our own house, making our own memories and traditions, then go to my parents for the afternoon or evening and travelling as a family to his parents on Boxing Day and spending the rest of the holidays there each year.

It's time we act like adults who are parents rather than children who want to carry on living out our childhood Christmas memories.

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