“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” *** The sense that we are not being listened to is one of the most frustrating feelings imaginable. Toddlers scream about it, teenagers move out, couples split up, companies breakdown. One of the main reasons this breakdown in communication occurs is that listening (like reading, thinking clearly and focusing) is a skill which we
rarely consider to be something requiring knowledge and practice. There is a difference between hearing and listening. We assume that, as long as we can hear someone and understand their words that we are listening. Hearing alone, however, is not enough. Among other things, we need to comprehend what’s being said and why, reflect on intentions, and consider non-verbal communication. Listening is one of the foundations of society – it is what enables us to form
meaningful relationships and connections. And yet most of us haven’t thought about how we listen. As Mortimer J. Adler writes in How to Speak, How to Listen: We all realize that the ability to read requires training…the
same would appear to be true of speaking and listening … training is required … Likewise, skill in listening is either a native gift or it must be acquired by training. Active listening is a technique for developing our ability to listen. As a communication technique, it is used in many professional settings but is also valuable for everyday life. Anyone who has ever seen a good therapist will be familiar with the efficacy of active listening. A one-to-one therapist will
listen with intent, clarify any uncertain points, often paraphrase what is said and ask the speaker to expand. A family or couple therapist will help to resolve a conflict by facilitating calm communication through reflection, open body language, and by helping couples understand one another. As Sheldon B. Kopp writes: The therapist can interpret, advise, provide the emotional acceptance and support that nurtures personal growth, and above all, he can listen. I do not
mean that he can simply hear the other, but that he will listen actively and purposefully, responding with the instrument of his trade that is, with the personal vulnerability of his own trembling self. This listening is that which will facilitate the patient’s telling of his tale, the telling that can set him free. For the sake of clarity, we will refer to active listening in the context of two people conversing throughout this article. However, it can occur in communication
between multiple people and in groups. [quote]Listening is difficult because it involves suppressing your ego long enough to consider what is being said before you respond.[/quote] The Core Components of Active ListeningComprehending To communicate, we must first understand what the other person (or people) are actually saying. This is not as simple as it appears. In most cases, comprehension occurs instantly and unconsciously. However, a number of potential barriers can prevent comprehension, including:
In Eyes Wide Open, Isaac Lidsky recommends simplifying comprehension by asking ‘can you explain that like I’m five years old?.’ This is the same technique we use to rapidly improve learning. Removing jargon and explaining things in your own language results in massively improved comprehension of complex topics. Retaining To respond in an appropriate manner, we must understand and retain what the other person has said. Not everyone will retain the same details. Some people recall very specific details, while others hold on to the general idea. It is common for us to only retain details which are relevant for our response. When actively listening, we focus on the other person’s words, rather than thinking about what we can say next. Suppressing our ego is difficult. It’s as if we think we already know what the other person is going to say. And we fool ourselves into thinking that we’ve done the work: that we not only know what the other person will say but that we’ve thought about it before. Only, we haven’t. There are a number of potential barriers to retention, including:
Responding Conversations are active, not passive. A conversation between people cannot occur without a response. Active listening requires careful responses which are made possible with comprehending and retaining. An active response should show that we understand what the other person has said, have paid attention to their words and also read their non-verbal cues. Ronald A. Heifetz writes that “The activity of interpreting might be understood as listening for the song beneath the words.” To be an active listener, we must try to go beyond the words and form a rich picture of the other person’s emotions and intentions. However, we must also avoid inventing meaning or colouring their words with our own thoughts. The same potential barriers apply to responding as to retaining and comprehending. [quote]To be an active listener, we must try to go beyond the words and form a rich picture of the other person’s emotions and intentions.[/quote] Active Listening and Overcoming Cognitive BiasesActive listening requires an understanding of how cognitive biases and shortcuts impact our communication. These are particularly prevalent when people are arguing and disagreeing. Consider the following hypothetical argument between a couple, Mary and John. Any resemblance to your marriage is purely coincidental. Mary: You never help around the house, you came home drunk
twice last week, you forgot to pick the kids up from school, you never buy me flowers, you— In this instance, John is succumbing to confirmation bias in order to refute Mary’s statements. Ignoring the other claims, he responds to the one which he can easily disagree with. John fools himself into believing that because he can refute one statement, they are all false. John: I bought you flowers on Valentine’s
day! John is now falling prey to availability bias. He remembers one event which was recent and salient, while ignoring the preceding times. Mary: That was the first time you’ve brought me flowers in 5 years. Social proof is now coming into play. John has looked to their peers for clues as to how he should behave. Rather than considering how Mary feels, he is reassuring himself that his behavior is fine because it is common. Mary: Anyway, the flowers you brought me that time were wilted and you clearly got them from the gas station on your way home. Here, Mary is seeing a distorted view of events due to her current anger (bias from hating/disliking.) An event which previously made Mary happy is now only further evidence of her partner’s inadequacy. The examples above are just a few of the numerous cognitive biases and shortcuts which impede our communication. Now, let’s imagine how this argument might have gone if John had used active listening techniques. This would necessitate putting aside emotions and ego and rather trying to understand why Mary is upset. Mary: You never help around the house, you came home drunk twice last week, you forgot to pick the kids up from school, you never buy me flowers and I’m sick of it. John is now paraphrasing what Mary has said, confirming that he is listening. It’s important to note that John is not outright agreeing with Mary. Rather than seeking to defend himself, he is making sure Mary knows he is listening. By keeping calm and showing open body language, he can then allow Mary to finish venting her frustration without interrupting. This provides a safe and secure environment for Mary to open up and express her true feelings. John maintains eye contact and uses nonverbal cues (such as nodding and tilting his head to indicate he is listening.) Mary relaxes a little, seeing that her partner appears to be truly interested in what she has to say. Then, John can speak: John: What can I do which would make you feel better about our relationship? This question is neutral and not related to personal opinion. John has allowed Mary to explore her feelings. By continuing in this way, they can turn an argument into a valuable opportunity to understand each other better. The result in this situation is likely to be far more positive than the initial example. Even just by reading the words, you probably pictured both scenarios somewhat differently, complete with altered tones of voice and outcomes. Active Listening as a Means of Overcoming Conversational NarcissismIf you have ever been in a conversation with someone who is only interested in talking about themselves, you will understand what conversational narcissism is and how it makes you feel. Sociologist Charles Derber first observed the phenomenon, wherein people allow their self obsession to manifest in their conversational practices. Rather than listening to what the other person has to say and responding accordingly, many people shift the discussion to themselves. In Inarticulate Society: Eloquence and Culture in America, Tom Shachtman writes:
Derber describes this as the ‘shift response’ as opposed to a ‘support response.’ In The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life, he writes:
Conversational narcissists will often repeat shift-responses until the conversation steers towards them. Again. Returning to our hypothetical couple, this might look like this: John: I’m just really stressed about work at the moment. In this conversation, Mary repeats the shift-response until John finally gets the point and switches the topic away from himself. The narcissistic nature of this is obvious in a conversational transcript but can be difficult to identify. Support-responses are the opposite of shift-responses — they sustain the speaker’s words and encourage them. If Mary had used support responses, the conversation might look like this: John: I’m just really stressed about work at the moment. Notice how different those two scenarios sounded in your head. In the first conversation, Mary was purely narcissistic and just wanted to talk about herself. In the second, the couple was able to understand each other a bit better and to see a potential root cause of their conflict. Conversational narcissism also occurs through passive behavior. Derber writes:
As Derber illustrates, we must not underestimate the importance of our responses when it comes to active listening. The other person does not care if we listen with great attention if our responses do not reflect this. In some cases, a comment or question is necessary. Often, a simple acknowledgment is sufficient. In The Plateau Effect, Sullivan and Thompson explain the folly of conversational narcissism:
How Can We Improve Our Active Listening Skills?While there is no one method for learning to listen actively, there are a number of small changes we can make. Active listening, like any skill, is developed by practicing, not by reading about it. By applying the concept to each conversation we have, we can gradually develop the ability to communicate well. This might include:
What is eye contact in public speaking?Eye contact is a speaker's ability to have visual contact with everyone in the audience. Your audience should feel that you're speaking to them, not simply uttering main and supporting points.
How do you make eye contact with audience?Maintain eye contact 50% of the time when speaking and 70% when listening. Look for 4–5 seconds. Hold eye contact for about four to five seconds at a time, or about as much time as it takes you to register the color of their eyes. When you break eye contact, glance to the side before resuming your gaze.
Why listening is important in debate?In debating however, active listening is everything. You need to understand your opponent. Initially, debaters focus on expressing their own views and perspective but, as they become more practised, more time is spent anticipating the view of their opponents.
Did the speaker establish eye contact with his audience is it important?Eye contact helps establish credibility and keep your audience's attention while you're speaking. Posture should be comfortable and appropriate for the speaking occasion. Emphatic and descriptive gestures enhance the verbal content of our speech.
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