Is it bad to sleep with multiple partners

By

Nirpal Dhaliwal

Esther Walker

26 May 2009

They are candid, provocative - and totally at odds with each other. Our resident 'sexperts' Nirpal Dhaliwal and Esther Walker offer conflicting advice on Londoners' sexual dilemmas...

Question:- I'm single and dating. Is it OK to sleep with several people at once without telling them? I can't see I'm doing any harm but my monogamous friends say otherwise?

Nirpal says

Juggling partners is the craze that's taken London by storm. Every thirtysomething singleton in town is screwing around in a mad last hurrah, hoping to sow those final wild oats before they decide to settle down.

A combination of laissez-faire sexual morality, internet dating and a plethora of commitmentphobes still stinging from their last relationship and wanting some casual fun in order to forget has made being single in London akin to being present at the last days of Sodom and Gomorrah.

But there's nothing immoral about sleeping with several people at once, provided none of them has been given the impression they're in a monogamous situation. You don't have to tell them that you're handing it out like candy, either.

In fact, you shouldn't, because it will only make the people you're dating feel worthless - especially if they're not getting as much as action as you are. But the chances are they're getting just as much, if not more.

The unspoken rule of modern dating is that until you've had that conversation in which you've both explicitly agreed to be exclusive, you are perfectly free to date and sleep with other people. It is a strictly don't-ask-don't-tell policy.

Men should bear in mind, however, that women will still feign outrage if they find out you're seeing someone else, even if they've entertained more men of late than Manchester United have all season.

Sleeping around gives you added confidence in your dating life: you know that you're desirable and that there are plenty of fish in the sea, which stops you putting too much pressure on your relationships to succeed.

On the downside, you risk becoming so jaded by casual sex that you can't appreciate a good thing when you get one. No one has a palate for gourmet cuisine if they've been gorging on junk beforehand.

In the long run, it's easier to be monogamous when you realise that promiscuity is just as boring.

And you'll have a much more realistic attitude towards relationships having sampled a broad range of what's out there and knowing which qualities really matter to you.

Your monogamous friends will always feel envious of your tales of wild sex with hot strangers, but as long as you're being true to yourself and not lying to anyone else you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Esther says

Of course it's not OK. These are people with feelings, they're not shoes. You might justify things by saying that you wouldn't mind if someone did the same thing to you, but you ought to mind.

Forget about the moral implications for a minute and consider the potential pitfalls. Everywhere in London there is someone who knows someone who knows you. Imagine the scene:

Sally: "I'm so exhausted. I was up all night with Dan."

Mary: "Dan? I thought he was going out with Clare."
Sally: "What?!?"

Bob: "Are we talking about 'Dirty' Dan? Ha ha. Not you as well, Sal?!"

Sally: "Excuse me, I've just got to make a phone call."

I'm also curious about what you think you will get out of this soggy arrangement. If you consider sex to be a thing of so little consequence that it's all right to spread it around, then why bother doing it at all?

If what you enjoy is deceit and get a thrill out of having sex with a lot of different people, with only hours separating each act, then that's fine.

I'd say something about chlamydia and angry ex-lovers, but I can only assume you've already got an STD clinic and a solicitor on speed dial.

If you think you're going to come out of this mess with a meaningful relationship, then you are wrong. So wrong.

If you end up with one of these people, you'll spend your life breaking out into cold sweats whenever they come close to discovering what a dog you were.

Sleeping around and being open about it is different, although I feel very sorry for the self-hating little shell of a person who would agree to be part of your harem.

Even those with self-esteem points in minus figures will, eventually, start getting itchy for a bit of commitment and leave increasingly shrill "Where are you?" voicemails.

Anyway, you know what you're doing is wrong. The very fact that you want to keep it all a secret shows that you know perfectly well that if you were honest, your blissful circle of ignorant lovers would disappear in disgust, leaving you with a couple of sex-crazed, bug-eyed nutters.

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