Pregnant by a married man- child support

This is for women in a relationship with married men. You can date them, chop their money and hypnotise them with the sexual skills imparted to you by Jezebel herself.

But....... Do not think about having a child with him. That is how you get a one-way ticket to a living hell. Do not be too greedy and attempt to use an innocent baby to milk/extort money from a married man.

It doesn’t matter how good you are between the sheets or how much he says he loves you. Once that line is crossed, woman, you are on your own. 

Get pregnant with that married man and you will be the slut, while he will be the innocent man; as if the devil dropped a banana peel on his path and he slipped right into your uterus. 

The second big mistake you can make is informing the wife about the pregnancy or the love child, especially if the man is proving to be deadbeat. What really do you hope to achieve? Break that family? Pfft! That will never happen.

Will you cause tension in their home? Absolutely! But from what we have seen in most Kenyan families, infidelity is highly forgivable.

In fact, telling his wife would only serve to drive the man further from you. You want to score one past the owner of the ball, and don’t expect her to take her ball from you? Once that couple puts a unified front, you are done. Good luck concealing that smelly egg on your face.

If indeed the man does accept responsibility, you’d wish you were alone because you will be a single mother trapped in an illusion of marriage.

At the labour ward, you will be on your own; hell it would even be a chore to put his name on the birth certificate. He cannot leave his wife’s bed at night because you are in hospital having his baby. Your child’s birth story won’t be told with pride like those of the children he bore with his wife.

Neither would your child’s name ever come up on his list of kids; you are simply bringing your child in a life of shame and bias.

He will never acknowledge his second family in public, neither can your child call him daddy. While his wife drives comfortably in his car, you will be left walking in the hot sun with your child, until the lice eggs on your head crack open like a popcorn party.

And when you get to ride in that car on the rare occasions when he is driving you home after your sexcapades, he will go through that car with a fine comb to remove any speck of evidence that might betray your presence in the ride.

In short, you are a ghost in his world. Your life only matters when the two of you are naked behind closed doors.

Since you have a baby and can no longer walk liberally into hotels with breast milk plastering your blouse to your skin, he would start avoiding your sneaky rendezvous altogether.

He can’t even come over to your house coz with the whole dirty diaper-baby yelling situation going on, you kind of remind him of what he was running away from in the first place.

Suddenly, things completely change and you begin seeing him once a month before he immediately disappears again like a clerical civil servant's salary.

He will provide for you when he feels like and won’t care if you boil sofa cushions for dinner when the meagre upkeep money he sends your way runs out.

You will always be the pathetic beggar at the end of the food chain. After he sends his family for holidays or buys them extravagant things, you will be the recipient of the spare change.

It doesn’t matter how much money he earns, it’s not yours. You can never replace his wife in this life or the next.

Your portions will never be equal. You do not know where they came from; do not know how they got to where they are;  you do not know the sleepless nights they put in or if they sacrificed a kid or two for wealth.

You probably wouldn’t have looked at him twice when he started out with his wife, but now that he has everything, you think you are just going to swoop in and change his life because you popped out his baby? Bitch, please!

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Pete* and I both felt an immediate chemistry, but it was me who made the first move. I replied to a text he’d sent me at night on a work issue, a cheeky text that he later said was like a ‘green light’ for him. (I’d texted, ‘Wish you weren’t so far away right now.’) 

We found an excuse to go out for work drinks and I still can’t believe how stupid we were to just start kissing at a public bar. It was almost like we wanted to get caught. We were both saying ‘I love you’ even before we started sleeping together.

Of course I knew he had a family and of course I felt guilty, but clearly not guilty enough to stop. I’d survived a dreadful divorce which had involved domestic violence, so to be in the arms of this amazing man was just fantastic — it still is.

I felt like I’d finally met my soul mate. Also, can I say the sex was incredible? And he made me feel so loved.

Yet about four weeks into our affair Pete ended things with me and I was absolutely mortified. He said he couldn’t cope with the guilt and the repercussions of leaving his family for me. He felt guilty for lying to his wife and telling her he was going on work trips when he was just staying at my apartment. It felt like we were a ‘real couple.’

Anyway, he broke up with me and, even though it was painful, I agreed to let him go. Our separation didn’t last long and he was back in my bed in about 10 days or so, and that’s when we decided we needed to be together.

I didn’t like the person I became because I kept hassling him to hurry up and end things with his wife but, because I was single, I didn’t really understand the awful impact of divorce on kids.

The only time we had a fight during our affair was when I was really pushing him to end his marriage and he was trying to tell me to wait, that the timing wasn’t right. Then I realised I was pregnant.

RELATED: 'My husband left me for a pregnant woman – and he wasn't the baby's father'

I was so happy, but also a bit frightened about what was going to happen. When I told Pete the news he looked shocked at first, but he said he was partly relieved because it meant he finally ‘had to’ end his marriage for good.

It took Pete a couple of weeks to build up the courage to end his marriage. He didn’t have the heart to also tell her that he was having an affair with a work colleague, so he just asked for a divorce — but she wanted to know if there was ‘someone else.’ He kept up that lie for a few more weeks and then finally told her he was in love with me. 

She was devastated but she also knew their marriage was in a bad way and they needed to move on, so things progressed in an amicable way. She said she didn’t want to contact a lawyer and that she was happy with 50/50 custody of the kids.

As the weeks went by and I started to show, that’s when things shifted up a gear. His wife came over to the apartment one day, totally unexpected, and you can imagine what it was like opening the door to her; I was wearing a clingy top, clearly showing, and she just screamed at me.

She called me a "f---ing bitch", "f---ing slut", "homewrecker" and so on. Yes, I understand why she was so upset and, in retrospect, I wish she’d been told the entire truth. Things had been relatively amicable until she found out I was expecting a baby.

She hired a lawyer, and Pete received a letter stating she would apply for full custody of the kids and 70 per cent of the house (previously she’d been okay with 50/50 everything). She also ‘lost it’ a bit. For example, one time when Pete was away for work, I was awoken around midnight to the screams of "f---ing homewrecker!" outside the apartment and then my car was keyed. 

RELATED: Husband mortified after wife falls pregnant with other man's baby while on a 'break'

She also called our office's HR and filled them in on the whole drama – we had managed to keep our affair secret up until then. So I quit my job, which was something I hadn’t planned on doing.

Pete and his wife had owned a small hobby farm, and she got her lawyer to draw up a deed stating any children Pete had with another woman would never get their hands on that farm. She also wanted to move the kids to another state so Pete couldn’t see them very often, but that’s when he dug in his heels and got his lawyer to reinforce the fact the kids needed their father in the same state. It got really nasty.

Now we have our baby, a gorgeous 18-month-old, and we couldn’t be happier. But Pete’s wife still refuses to speak to him and she is still fighting us in court; she believes Pete is ‘hiding money’ from her, which isn’t true. I think she is just trying to hit out at us in any way she can.

The worst thing is she has really poisoned the children against their father so Pete doesn’t get to spend much time with them even though, through lawyers, they’d sorted out a 70/30 per cent custody arrangement. 

I’d also like to say having an affair and falling pregnant wasn’t planned, and we never meant any harm. I wish we had gone about it in a better way — that Pete had left his family and then we had gotten together — but that’s not how it happened. Life doesn’t always work in a perfect order. 

I would never change my life with Pete and our beautiful girl, but I do live with a lot of guilt and this saga seems to be never-ending. We have a court date later in the year where all Pete’s assets will be disclosed; he is not hiding any money, but she wants to keep punishing us for messing up her life.

His ex has a new partner now, but she is still very angry and at this stage shows no sign of forgiving us or letting us get on with our lives in peace. And yes, I realise many people will say ‘good for her.’ 

Can a married man have a child with another woman?

What if my husband gets another woman pregnant?

How do you know a married man is using you?

What to do when you find out you are the other woman?