What do you do if you lie about your age?

Source: krissydolce/usedwithpermission

Source: krissydolce/usedwithpermission

I had a seriously late-mid-life moment the other day: I forgot my age. Just plain old forgot how old I am. A friend asked me how old I was and I cheerfully answered “Fitfy-six.” My husband was right there in the room and so he was able to correct me. “Fifty-eight,” he announced, hollering out the number in the manner of an auctioneer, “Fifty-eight years old, going on fifty-nine”

It wasn’t like I was trying to dissemble; a little thing like dissembling I could understand and forgive myself. (One of the lovely parts of growing older is how much easier it is to forgive myself. It has become quite an absorbing hobby.)

Lots of women, as well as some men, of my acquaintance regularly lie about their age and consider the sin wholly inconsequential, sort of like smudging the truth about how often you exercise or how much you weigh. You can say anything you want, they reason, because you shouldn’t have been asked the question in the first place.

Lying about one’s age is considered socially acceptable, as is declaring the fact that your age is nobody’s business. This is interesting, given that perfidy and telling people to “butt out” are usually regarded as graceless gestures when applied to other situations.

Imagine a scene: at lunch, a co-worker casually asks, “How long have you and your spouse been married?” and is gently and coyly rebuked with “Oh, a lady never reveals that sort of information.”

The co-worker, after a baffled pause, decides to eat at the OTHER table from now on.

It’s not as if asking somebody’s age is the same as, for example, asking how many sexual partners they’ve had (now THAT is an interesting question to toss out around a lunch table at work).

And yet lying about or concealing your age is practically mandatory.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be thought of as older. Older girls seemed sophisticated, hip, and independent. Now that I am ACTUALLY older, it’s younger women who seem sophisticated, hip, and independent. Go figure.

Don’t get me wrong-- I would not be any other age for love or money, not even on a dare. I work with people in their late teens and early twenties. I respect and have great affection for my students but in NO way do I envy them. Yes, they are healthy creatures with boundless energy, a species who can stay up all night to write a paper and still go for a run in the morning. True, they have all their teeth, do not undergo gastric reflux--nor do they require Viagra or Vivelle.

But the young suffer from the incurable maladies of youth: the gripping fear of the unveiled future, the pernicious panic of inexperience, the constant crises of love wanted and love lost. I see long, shadowed hallways in their eyes when they come to explain why a book made them cry, or when they come to argue that I have been too critical of work they know is not their best. They argue and weep for irrepressible reasons. Yet the reasons are familiar to me because I have traveled through the place they are coming from. And I have no wish to revisit the landscape that produces such storms.

Do you remember Oscar Wilde’s wonderful injunction, “One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything”? That’s going to become my motto. I’m going to have T-shirts emblazoned with Wilde’s maxim.

I’ll invest the words with a meaning, however, that Wilde probably did not intend.

One of my goals is to become somebody who will “tell one anything” without shame, hesitation, or befuddlement. I want to embrace being old enough to say “I’m a big girl now and too old to act cute, shut up, or be demure,” the way, as a child, I wanted to say “I’m old enough to play outside after sundown.” If growing up doesn’t guarantee increased access to places that had once been roped off, what good is it?

I may have forgotten my age for a moment and, in so doing, illustrated the very fact of my aging. So? I can live with that. After all, growing older still seems better than the alternative.

Dear Dr. Marcia,

I have always taken good care of myself; I never smoked, barely drink at all, and have never been overweight. I will admit that I am a fan of Botox, but even without it I still look about 15 years younger than I am.

People are always shocked when I tell them I am 58. They don't believe it.

I have been divorced for 13 years and as most do, found it difficult meeting people. I have no children so did not want to get involved with someone who had kids which lessened my chances of meeting someone my age.

I decided to do Internet dating, and before I put up my profile, I looked at some men in my age bracket. They looked a lot older than their years and almost all had kids.

I decided to put my "look" age rather than my chronological age. I had a lot of responses right away from men in their early 40s!

I started emailing and talking with a man who is 43; the same age I put on my profile. After our initial meeting for coffee, we met again for a drink, then last weekend went to dinner. Because of the way I look, he never mentioned age.

I was going to tell him, but when we went out to dinner, he was talking about people lying on their Internet profiles. He was going on about how ridiculous and immature it is, and what it says about the person.

I sat there agreeing with everything he was saying, and now I don’t know what to do. I thought he might be testing me but I don’t think he knows because he asked me out again. I know sooner or later I’m going to be found out and now don't know how to tell him how old I really am without sounding like a fake?

Signed,

Little White Lie

Little White Lie,

Not so much when you are talking about a 15 year age lie! Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

Hate to tell you honey, but as far your concern about sounding like a fake… that ship has sailed.

Face the facts - you lied and you continued to lie every time you saw or spoke to him without telling him your real age. It would have been a lot easier to come clean when you first met - and even then he might have still been upset. He is right - it does speak about the person.

The best you can do now is, tell the truth - apologize for not telling him sooner, and try to explain why you did not tell the truth. He might appreciate you coming clean - but don’t be surprised if he thinks you are superficial - since you don't like how men your age look.

If you feel so great about how you look for your age - why not just be honest about it and enjoy the compliments that follow?

Marcia Owens has a doctorate in relationship psychology. If you would like to see a question answered, or for a confidential personal response, write draskdrm@gmail

What to Do When You lied about your age?

What happens if I lie about my age?

What is it called when u lie about your age?

What happens if you lie about your age on discord?