What is fear of crush called?

So, am I the only one that is A)a few years late responding to this but B—-Thomas re-read what you says. She said over half of what you just reiterated in a way you can make sense of. I’m not joking I was waiting for the ahhhh hah! But it did not come…honest re read what you wrote. She wrote the same things you mostly just said but she said them point blank and you added emotion and your life into it and it still says the same thing. Been a psychiatrist and a patient for years, I am a people watcher. I fell upon this article and your comment leaped off the page at me. Pls if you still follow this re-read it. I hope today you are better than I am . I work and help others alll day but getting dressed is a major struggle and I “threw out all my relationships and family “ one too many times….now I know what lonely really is. You have no clue.

I’ve been sabotaging my relationships without knowing what’s wrong with me. Lately I’ve come to understand that I’m really scared of letting people come close to me and I see myself acting differently in different situations in the relationship than I actually act. On paper my life is really good so it’s hard to explain people that taking the risk and making the leap are not so easy for me when I’m crippled with fear inside and intimacy is really hard for me. “Just go for it” doesn’t really help. In meaningful relationships i push people away and make all the excuses why i don’t like them and why it wouldn’t work. Then after I start blaiming myself for hurting the other person and go get them back. And this repeats. I’m 25 and in a way I feel lucky that I understand that I’m not crazy, but this is something that I can work for. I go to therapy because I want to be able to enjoy life and not become my mother who was never emotionally there for me. I don’t think it goes away by itself. Some people can learn to live with it and some can work on it by themselves, but for me therapy at the moment is the way to go. I haven’t found the tools to help myself so I need help from an outsider. And yes it is a lot to do with self esteem. When others say that you’re are beautiful or smart and you see yourself the opposite, it’s really hard to believe that they love as the way you are.

For a lot of reasons I do feel related myself into the contents of this article. For some reason I am constantly sabotaging any sort of relationship (specially romantic ones). Although I have people that I talk to, I simply can’t make them come closer to me and feel more intimate , I always fear what will happen next and expect some bad ending to any sort of relationship. I feel a lot the fear of loss, and that is pushing me away from any sort of true relationship. In my teenager years, I was known for being the guy that was better left alone, someone that simply you wouldn’t waste your time with. The few people that decided to stick with me, later on I found out that they were not even friends, they were opportunists that expected me to grant them something that they alone couldn’t attain (most of them was about marks and studying matters, since I always was someone who hadn’t difficulties with this subject). After that, colleague is when everything went to worse: people just turned their backs to me only because I didn’t fit in their “normal” behavior or ways of having “fun”. Since then, my personality became a lot more distant and most of the time I just wanted to be alone and try to enjoy myself as much as possible (although I ended up crying on my own sometimes for some reasonable amount of time, but I would wind up those feelings some time after, even if they came back after some time, which could be weeks or even months). After I graduated, I then noticed something very weird: I was maybe being “stubborn” about myself and something was truly missing, even without knowing what it was. After some self reflection about it (which was almost an year) I came to realize that what I was missing was a true relationship, being with someone you could be yourself without trouble and having the other person being herself without reservation, having mutual affection to each other. After I realized that, I tried to engage with some women I knew, but the point here is, I “tried”. When I though about it, felt a lot restless and my brain instantly sounded the alarm I should “stay away” from that sort of thing because I actually felt something “weird” about it. And this is when I stumbled upon this article and cleared up the matter for me. You maybe thinking this is just another rambling from an idiot that doesn’t even know how to live his live, but if you read my rambling this far I thank you, stranger, for your precious time to read all of this.
And one more thing, I am thankful for the author to come up with this article!

George-
What you say is all so true it’s really actual real life for so many. My life really played out like yours to a T(scary) but with a twist (longer story) but it gave me goose bumps. I have helped so many people that were near death when they presented to me bc of apathy and self worth was non exist existent but I rushed in to help them, extra hours. I really went out of my professional way sooooo many times colleagues often turned away From me for that reason but I see it as other things.
We are and can only be to others what we are to ourselves….your thinking yeah right?? But you can’t let go of what might happen with a relationship and ny personal they’re always has been “ they all leave in the end anyways so just go now.” This is what we call Emotional Unavailable…to ourselves and to others. This is a life sentence and therapy makes it worse for me …why? Bc then it’s reality, I actually have this problem or issue and it’s not just me telling me about myself…..so no repercussions…so people need to tread lightly With therapy as Pandora’s box , yes needs to be opened aired out and addressed but for some this is what breaks any hope of ever getting better bc they won’t talk again once this feeling evolves and then I have no way to reach them bc they can’t reach me…they won’t even grab for a life raft in front of them, they are paralyzed by what people say to do what to do how to do etc. so, this is a topic I speak of a lot. For you, you know you. You know your every move that’s the problem….normalcy…comfort smothers all else because of lack of oxygen and motive to try ….this scares me too. I don’t have a good way around it but u don’t need a wife or girlfriend to feel whole or whatever. Friends Acquaintances or the mail man. Think before you do but only enough to make it through the first few steps of any event, then if u want to change u you will…but you have to be the one to jump. The first thing is making yourself Available to hear your own Fears and thoughts….then you can make baby steps to improve but in all honesty you are a lifetime in the making like me don’t think results come like the rubber stamp of approval says they do….they don’t . It’s even longer you truly climb back to where you fear what most fear and change is ok. Good luck

I can’t really personally relate to this issue but my best friend seems to be the one going though it. I met her online years ago and while we were far apart, we had a tremendous friendship. She opened up to me easily and I did the same. We talked constantly and she always gave me the things I needed in a friendship (love, compassion, care, time, affection, etc). About a year ago, I moved to her town. We had discussed how exciting it was and how amazing we thought it’d be to experience life physically together. But, once I got here, EVERYTHING changed. She became distant and was more worried about talking to and spending time with people who weren’t physically here. She neglected me and my needs and anytime I brought up the issue, she brushed it off and blamed it on her having a tough time adjusting from being alone to being with someone day in and out. I trusted her. But for a year, we had problems that only got worse and worse. She hid things that she never hid before. Lied to me about important things in her life. And just kept me in the dark for months on in. Eventually, I got tired and so did she. We had a blow out and her anger was the only thing allowing her to express her true inner most feelings towards the situation. She told me that when I moved there, I got too close and her body reacted. I didn’t know what this meant exactly. But she later said that online, it is easy being there for someone emotionally. Physically, it’s way different and the pressure is too much. She explained how in person she never let’s anyone in and although she had never expected to push me away, after years of being close, she ended up doing it anyone pretty much subconsciously. At this point, we are both holding on so tightly to a friendship we don’t want to lose. She’s terrified of losing me but deep down feels like she can’t be the person that I need (the person she was online). I believe that she needs to face her fears and get past them somehow but she’s convinced that at this time, she can’t. What should I do? I want to stay friends and be there for her but she is basically asking me to be casual friends with her (like have fun but without an emotional attachment). And I feel that is asking a lot of me considering we’ve been best friends with an emotional attachment to one another for years already. And I feel it may be just too hard to change from that and I feel that she may be being kind of selfish asking me to cater to her fear and enable her. I love her so much. She is like family to me and I want to see her succeed. But how can I convince someone to try when they are already convinced they can’t change?

how do i get my girlfriend back i guess i said i love you way to much and she seemed scared of me because she knows i mean everything i said and done we where meant to be and idk how to set the shit back on track everything i said i did and done meant i meant everything and then i got into a fight at school because she told my friend stuff that i told her and he was furious with me and i wanted to talk and all i kept doing was trying to talk until we ended up fighting this girl is the love of my life i swear to god i would do anything but im suspended and now she had that chance to tell me that she is afraid of me physically and mentally and emotionally!! right now i been thinking about this and i been doing research until i found this and it describes her 100% and then i realize her past and how this guy broke her hurt where she cant trust anyone and i been so good to her like i keep telling her we can get through this together you don have to get anyone else attention because im the guy im here for you and i love you like until the day i die and i meant it she broke up with me on Wednesday and its friday idk how long i can do this i need her and i want her to stop trying to bull shit our relationship i mean she is 3 years younger and im 17 but we are meant to be and its true like its so weird i feel like im in a love story type movie

Very interesting read, but I do disagree with forcing yourself to be intimately close to someone when you are simply not ready to share yourself with another. With age it’s become harder and harder for me to connect (I am 28) when I am more set in my ways and a lot more selective about people that enter my life. It’s a contious decision, and I believe, a rational one. I am not fearful of being hurt, and fear is not a good word for me… Maybe I stuck in denial, but I simply don’t want to settle and waste my time when I feel complete and content with being by myself. I don’t suffer for any major insecurities and believe to have a healthy self-esteem and many suitors to chose from, I am unsuccessful in finding an emotionally mature partner and can look past my exterior and see that I have much more to offer and give. How can a person appreciate my other qualities when he is only focused on my looks alone?!

I believe that some people were made to be in a relationship and others to be single. How do you know? you enjoy your own company. Society wants to couple people and those who can’t adjust have a problem. It is very sad to read about people who loss themselves in relationships and couples that are together merely because of routine. Both are very unhealthy for the individual as unhealthy as that person thinking they have a problem because they are unable to hold a relationship that has the potential to form a family. Everything in life is a learning process. It is healthy to be single and feel content about it. Don’t let society tell you that you are abnormal because you are not ready for an intimate relationship. It comes with time patient and professional help. By professional help I don’t mean a book that is talking in general points but someone who is able to directly address your unique situation. If deep down you feel content then let it be, you are not hurting anyone except for those waiting for you to have a partner more than you do for yourself.

I had a great childhood my single mom taking care of her children. I had a strong family presence in my life. My mom finally dated someone after 9 years being single after my dad. The man had many faults. I still had a good childhood. I was a social outcast all of my school life but that didn’t matter because I had a pillar of a mom that stood strong! Then I turned 13 my life went wrong. My mom started doing drugs. My dad who hadn’t always been there become our new home. My strong family blanket gone! I had messed around with a boy before going to my dad’s house. I thought this is love right? It wasnt. he tried to pull moves on my twin. I couldn’t handle my school issues well and I started to believe the things people said. I even stood up for the hurt only to be judge for doing that. As I grew up I went to college to a school I didn’t want to go to. To a career I don’t think I really wanted. To a place I had to stay cause I couldn’t afford anything else. There I saw my mom with her boyfriend and there constant physical mental abuse. I ran from it by using games. They stolen from me lied to me and mentally confused me to the point of no return. I have never loved another person other than my twin. I have friends but they come and go cause that’s how life is. As I get older and older I pull away faster from people. My mom now finally clean for 6 months. Doesn’t understand why I dont date. She told me to play the field. I don’t want to … but I do.. I’m 28 years old and I’ve been self reflecting for 10 years. When will I be able to let go. I only have knowledge but I can’t seem to use it. I understand .. i know what I need to do and no matter how I try to talk myself in the end I’m always I’m always the same. I can’t figure it out. I being to hate me I wasn’t like this before .

I am somewhat dubious regarding the prevalence of “fear of intimacy” as an affliction. I have no basis to dispute that it is real; simply overused. First, the conflation of intimacy with sex causes one to blame a partner’s diminishing interest in sex on FOI, even where it may be a natural evolution of a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, our innate narcissism causes us to blame another’s FOI rather than accept that there are genuine reasons for a change in feelings or desires. Second, the overuse of the term FOI reminds me of the juvenile taunts hurled in the schoolyard at a child who won’t pursue a reckless endeavor at the urging of peers (i.e., “You won’t do ________ because you’re afraid”). This technique is troublesome (and immature) because it allows one to project their own insecurity on a partner rather than entertain the possibility that he/she is expressing their genuine feelings. Just because someone doesn’t say what you want to hear doesn’t mean they suffer from FOI. Finally, it feels like professionals who author blogs use FOI as a panacea to explain all relationship problems. Use of vague terms like “fantasy bond” or “real substantial relationships” are highly subjective terms often used without context. Reality is that we must constantly challenge ourselves and ask if we are being honest about our feelings. Only after holding ourselves accountable can we question the myriad issues that arise in our relationships, of which FOI may or may not be a culprit.

This is a good article and seems very much to describe me. I’ve been trying to figure out my root problems and have landed on FOI or fear of abandonment.

Here’s the thing. I’m so good at avoidance that I’ve been in only one pseudo relationship (I went out with a guy I didn’t like for a while… because I didn’t like him and didn’t want to get too attached) but have an anxiety attack every time I’m around any guy I like who is a)available and/or b)interested and run like a Kenyan for an Olympic medal. I’ve tried to stop it, but I haven’t been able to get over the anxiety even with alcohol and determination. I can only imagine being the guy in that situation. The myriad of mixed emotions coming out as mixed messages as fear, interest, anger at myself, speculation, nausea and despair war inside of me.

Most of the time I know myself to be pretty, intelligent, good, and industrious. But in those moments when I am attracted to someone I realize how ugly, fat, lazy, immoral and stupid I really am and wallow in my inferiority. It doesn’t matter that when I reflect on it, I know that the other person has faults too. I am egocentric in my failures and foibles.

I cannot overpower the visceral emotion of unworthiness with the logical knowledge of my good worth (at the risk of sounding egotistical I am a good catch- average to pretty looks, well educated with a good job and generally sweet and loyal disposition)

So how do I get over this? No one will ever get close to me. Do I want them to? Should I want them to get close?

I litterelly think i just grew up a little. Here I am a tough Veteran who got back from deployment to meet a girl and start getting really close, i knew i had avoidant issues in the past but since i self medicated with prostitution that shouldnt be a problem anymore? … So this very caring young woman decides Im the real deal and am in it for the rifht reasons invites me into bed and i freeze, i dont say a word, next day we dont talk about it. 2months later she invites me over, pours some wine, we go on a walk, she calls me out on how she knows ive liked her for months, we get back and I can tell she is so frustrated at what shes doing wrong, she says again i knew you thought i was hot, yes i reply. I know you like me? Yes. Im sitting there like wtf dude? Theres no wall to climb, shes right there AND your upsetting her by not being intimate!! i say nothing. Im still trying to figure out what just happened. So the next day i send her a text about not wanting to see her anymore. Why did i hurt her?
My mother left when i was 4. And she passed 2weeks before deployment. Im 27 now. And between all that time i was never nurtured by a female. Im going to look into this alot more becuase i think im just scared to get hurt again.

My girlfriend of four years has a fear of intimacy. She thinks she doesn’t but she definately does. We’ve only kissed. She only feels comfortsble holding haneds. No touching, no sex, she doesn’t want to go on holiday or anywhere really with me other than walking her dog. She will go places with her carer (she is partially sighted) but she doesn’t go anywhere with me alone.
For example she says she is not ready to go on a day out to Blackpool, she is not ready for touching or sex. We’ve never even stayed the night together. If she is not ready for that after four years together, she never will be if we don’t seek help. But how can we seek help if one partner is in denial?
I don’t know what to do, how do we get help if she won’t admit she has a fear of intimacy.
I love her with all my heart but I am scared we
won’t have a future.
I feel bad posting about it here but I really don’t know where to turn.
Any idvice?

Dear David! I hope your issue is resolved till that time. I read your story and was really touched, but please do not listen to advices to separate from your beloved one as if these relations are not worth of trying to develop them! I hope you will have strength to go on. You are very faithful and committed to your girlfriend, and this is a rare case nowadays. I myself, already married, have imtimate problems, because I do not find sex an enyoing thing, and this is such a burden for me and my husband, but although he is upset he never even thinks about separation. Looking for solutions of my own problems I read a lot of literature on relations. I do not have any concrete idea for you now, but from what I read I can see that the psychologists are so advanced now that for sure someone will help you. Maybe you should find a book about fear of intimacy and ask your girlfriend to read it when and where it is comfortable for her, so that you do not annoy her by trying totalk about this in person. Give her time and maybe when she opens it once she will recognise herself on the pages… At least when I did not know what is going on with me I found it helpful to read just anything about problems in relations and I was able to see myself sometimes as in a mirror, and developed a vocabulary of how to talk about this with my husband.
Also, get to know about her religious background. Maybe she is afraid that you will not reserve your sexual life till marriage, and that you will go too far.
P.s. Will be very happy for you if you suddenly answer me: thanks, but it is not any more a problem, my girlfriend opened up to me.

From this article, I think there’s validitiy to it. This article is trying to show people the rewards of opening up and experiencing something greater. “When we push our partner away emotionally or retreat from their affection, we are acting on this fear of intimacy” – I have been on the receiving end of this and it is a lonely feeling. If some people were meant to be alone, then why did they go looking for a relationship ? I often wonder what would help my boyfriend become more open to sharing himself with me.
There’s a domino effect that happens when one person isn’t open in a relationship and the other is. The other feels in the dark and might possibly wish and hope for a return in this interpersonal connection we call “intimacy.” I will say, I am sorry for those who cannot be open and have a hard time getting close as it is easier said then done. I would just hope that this post helps someone who feels they cannot be open and helps them change things around and let love in. I also hope this post reaches people who are dating a person with intimacy issues. And helps them make a decision on whether to stay, or as someone else put it “and stick with it…and see where it goes ?” Or to go “cash in your chips and honor the experience” and move on.

Hi,
I am 27 years male.
Can what am having be considered as fear of intimacy.
I had had 2 episode of depressions..both had exactly same reason, I fell in love with a girl,we enjoyed good moments together just as friends with others presence also. Secretly unknowingly I developed feelings inside me,then I became possessive,over possessive..now situation becomes like you are possessive for a person who is not in your control..She likes you,likes your outstanding sense of humour,your caring but she is not in love with you(I am sure)…now as I am possessive for her,when she becomes more friendly with anyone else I feel jealous or something which creates anxiety,I start trying getting over this feeling of love towards her,basically I try to escape..escape away from all this..finally it becomes depression..both cases had same reasons..exactly same…Now I am too much frightened about getting in love again,have started avoid talking to gals as am extremely emotional(a good poet also)…I am frightened if I again fall in love will have 3rd episode of depression and will rely on medicine for lifetime this time….Can you please help?please

I can very much relate to this article, and to be honest it took me quite some time to understand what the problem was and still is. Half a year, to be precise. For this time I nearly went insane from all the analysis and cross-reference and all the trying to understand what is wrong while battling my own fears with my other hand to clear out the way from the false fear-debris.

It was difficult but I got rid of all of my fears about relationships, and at the moment I am still learning to be calm and emotionally self-restraint, to give the space for my partner to gradually open up.

I believe there is no other choice but to take the gamble and wait around for long enough to see the project come to a completion, as in, seeing your partner getting rid of her(or his) fears or leave.

You can’t force, for anytime you try to force progress on this person, it is a terrible even for that very person you love most, and it will make her take steps backwards because each time she tries to battle it, she suffers a defeat, for you can’t battle something that is a part of your personality without consequences.

That, from my analysis, says that the best way to help the other person change herself or himself is to simply show extreme patience and tolerance, and be close whenever that person desires it, while understandably relating to why that person can’t be intimate with you. It takes a very secure and very strong character to do that.

Luckily for me, each time in the progress of the last half a year when I showed weaknesses, my partner showed the strength and still we’re together.

First thing’s first, you have to clear out the possibility of your partner simply holding on to you untill they find something better. You can do this in a whole number of ways, starting from asking directly, “do you want to break up?”, to simply ingoring that person and seeing his or her’s reaction.

For me, at the time I was unable to ignore my dearest and was overly-attached, and that was the main thing that kept me from progressing. Because the first thing that gave me progress is giving her space.
So obviously I couldn’t ignore her. But I asked numerous times if she wants to break up and each time she answered that I simply give too much affection and that’s why she’s cold and avoidant.

I battled for the last half a year my overly-attached-ness and fear of abandonment, and I can say by now that I am free of those fears.

Right now I am learning to be patient and emotionally restrained, to control my own emotions for that person to feel comfortable and “safe” with me so that we may progress further on.

We are also LDR and for the last half a year communicate via skype, for she left for Poland to work there.

There has been some progress, but today for example I had an emotional breakout when I wanted an immidiate and more effective solution and brainstormed everything I could do, but in the end of it, I simply figured out that every other solution would be pushing her. And I don’t want to do that, that’s why as soon as I realized that, even although I couldn’t delete my messages I wrote for her to disregard everything I wrote before, and that it wouldn’t solve the problem.

There is progress, but it’s tormentingly slow. But I’m patient enough to see it through.

I don’t know whether or not I need an advice, but I always will be glad to recieve one.

I think I simply need the strength to carry my love through this and be strong enough to win this biggest challenge of my life so far.

This article is great, but as people with fear of intimacy said, they have to go through this on their own, and pressure from their loved ones will only make them feel depressed.

And to all of you who decided to stick around with the person who has Intimacy problems, I wish you the best luck and I must tell you that you are the luckiest people in the world. This challenge, if you are strong and bold enough to stand up to it, can build up the parts of your character that under other circumstances would never be developed. it is trully a blessing for me, and despite the fact that I greatly do not enjoy inner anxiety and worry, I realise that I learned how to find happiness even in the midst of the great struggle, and find joy without being dependant on anyone.

I have been married to my wife for 18 years and have been the cause of immense suffering on her part as she’s patiently waited for me to “fix” myself. She loves me so much that she’s tolerated all this pain. She gave me several ultimatums of the years but has not left. She has asked me to set her free but I thought I could fix it. Therapy didn’t work for me. She just started an affair to keep herself from going crazy with depression. I don’t blame her. I need to set her free but when I told her it’s time for her to be happy she is trying to hold on. She asks why I’m so cruel. She wants me to go to an Intimacy workshop. As much as I hope that would work I am skeptical. I have so much deep seated emotional isolationism from growing up. I am a recovering porn addict and even though I’m no longer acting out I can’ just simply change my whole twisted perception of myself and women. Sad really but she needs better. Is this a cop out? Maybe but I don’t want her to continue to suffer. She found someone that makes her feel sexy and desired. We all want that. How can I deny her that when I can’t provide it. We have 2 teenage daughters so thats an extra delima. I may never be truly happy with anyone but that is my penance and not hers.

There are broken human beings who may never achieve long term intimacy but have relationships without being capable of maintaining long term intimacy. I have seen some people who marry and divorce many times or have multiple affairs or relationships. I have seen men who get addicted to porn and substitute the sex addiction for intimacy. Sex and intimacy are not the same. I have seen some women who suffered some childhood trauma which prevents them from ever achieving long term intimacy. Borderline personality disorders can occur when people cross lines in relationships unable to achieve long term intimacy with constant cheating, repeat, reset, and cheat again! Yoga, self meditation, writing, self understanding, meditation, and prayer can all help. Ultimately, there are broken people who cannot be fixed. Death can also interfere with achieving and maintaining intimacy. Sex is not the same as real true intimacy. People can and do get involved in relationships which do not work and then have a lot of trouble getting out of the relationship only to find a new relationship which is worse. Floating from bad relationship to bad relationship. It is possible to be happy without being in a bad relationship. Know thyself. Too many men use sex as a substitute for intimacy and pornography is not real. Childhood trauma leaves too many women broken and in undiagnosed intimacy problems which in truth may not be solved.

Hi I’m 28 and I used to be in loving relationships, but due to my family drama trauma’s I’ve started to distance myself more and more since my last breakup. And each time I would push myself to go on dates it wouldn’t work out and then I’d push my environment away even more. And by environment I mean friends, family everyone. Now I’ve been living by myself for 3 years I have my own place now. And I enjoy being alone. I don’t really trust my friends completely anymore because there is a disconnect (from lack of investment in the relationship from both sides). Also I distance myself a lot from my family. I basically see them as little as possible, because throughout my entire life I feel like they’ve been dragging me down. I’ve experienced a lot of tension when I used to live at home, a lot of agression, injustice and abandonment. And now that I’m finally ‘free’, I want to be left alone. But they sometimes don’t understand why I can’t come visit them or why they can’t casually drop by my house, because “all of that is over now and ended long ago already (4 years ago). They don’t understand the impact that experiencing what I’ve endured with them still affects me. So when I say “no, you can’t come over now, I just want to be on my own today”, they say:”ok”, but I feel bad for rejecting them, because they’re trying to reconnect with me. But my entire childhood & teenage experiences with my family have resulted in my depression and 3,5 years of therapy, that I stopped going to because I just don’t see the point anymore in going to the sessions, we’re just going over the same thing over and over & it makes me feel like I’m not a normal girl and like I’m not part of society. And now I find myself at 28, after 3 burnouts and jobless for 2 years: stuck, energyless, pushing everyone & everything that lives and breaths away (I even had to give my cat away because the fact that he needed me and wanted my care & affection gave me panick attacks and sufficated me). I miss him so so much, it was like giving away my own child (I had him since I was 15). I just can’t handle to care about anything or anyone, I’m struggeling to even take care of myself. And everywhere I read thatwhen you feel low & life sucks, go find your support group: your family & friends. Well I don’t want to be around my family more that 1 or 2 days a month and I am disconnected from most of my friends & they don’t want to support me, because they are busy working hard on their own life. So all I can think of is: I hope that I’ll find a fun job soon, where I can maybe make some new friends. But I also live in a country where people are very stand off ish and cold, so making friends is really hard here. I now there’s a difference comparing to other countries, because I’ve lived in other countries (seasonal work). And I’m even thinking a lot of the times that I want to leave from where I live now. I’m just done with the place. It’s cold, there’s not a lot to do for people my age and the people are cold & closed as well, which will push me even further into my isolation. I need to be around friendly warm people that don’t necessarily directly want something from you other than just a nice convo or uour friendship. Because where I live, if people are very friendly (of my own age) they directly want something in return. Anyways it was nice to write here a bit (more than I expected) about how I’m feeling these days, it clears my head a bit and it makes me want to change the situation. I need change and I need a plan. Good luck to all and if anyone has some advice, please do feel free. Hugs from Europe.

I don’t really even try to incorporate intimacy into my life anymore….the only thing I want is peace. For me intimacy and peace definitely do NOT go hand in hand. I am old enough now to know better for myself….like attracts like…and because I am an imbalanced individual: mentally, emotionally and thus..physically…I only attract the same in relationships. I’m one of those that will get myself into a ‘relationship’ and then get fairly quickly that it is not healthy or balanced….and then because I’m the one choosing to end it before things go too far…then I’m always the one to blame for triggering real crazy shit….sometimes even violent and life threatening behavior from the other person. The last relationship I was in, or should I say was trying to get out of…my partner unpacked all of my personal belongings that were packed up while I was in the process of ‘escaping’/moving out, stole most of my belongings or destroyed them, and then neatly packed up/replaced my items with dirty, broken or meaningless objects. Basically, by the time I got my stuff back into my possession and was trying to get my life back in order, I discovered box by box that I had no functional material possessions left…only meaningless junk. Oh yeah that included a plant pot that had the dirt still in it but secretly buried and mixed in the dirt were razor sharp shards of other broken pottery just silently waiting for my hands to ‘find’. Very disturbing, very twisted and extremely validating the old adage: ‘You never truly know a person’….that experience was worse than just having someone break into your house and rob you….that relationship was like psychological warfare…and I really was just trying to do the right thing in attempting to end it early. Obviously, and as usual, I picked the wrong person to end a relationship with as it was very clear that ‘No’ or ‘Goodbye’ were not in this person’s relationship vocabulary without ‘Revenge’ and ‘Violation’ following after….ugghh….we’re truly some kind of experiment gone wrong with these big ‘brains’ of ours. Just too many psychological variables to safely manage before shit starts to unravel…inevitably and ALWAYS

Wow… I have been in a relationship with a man for 9 months and this describes him to a T.. we are now not speaking and pretty much broken up bea cause he says that I am too needy and demanding. From the get go he has never initiated sex…after sex there is no cuddling and he always starts with a weird nervous cough right after…. I get no emotional support from him… he can not even look me in the eyes while I am trying to praise him or cuddle with him.. the only time he will ever look me in the eyes is when we are speaking about something as mundane as a phone bill. I am a very independent woman who has turned into a needy mess trying to gauge where I stand in this man’s mind and heart. I am very affectionate and open and have probably pushed him away this time. I have had trouble even getting him to hug me with 2 arms, usually I get a one armed hug. He has said I Love you, but never in a romantic manner and most certainly never while looking at me. Today he has told me that he can not meet my needs…. he can’t make me happy…. that I am an attractive, smart, , nice girl who’s got her act together and that I should never change. He said he would always be there for me, but he can’t make me happy. I am of course devastated and trying to sort it all out in my head… the more I keep going after him the more I keep pushing him away. I have no doubt that he loves me in his own way… we have talked numerous times of a future together but every time I ask for some more closeness he pushes me away. Even sometimes when I am trying to kiss him he squirms and turns his head from side to side like an 8 year old boy fearing being kissed by his grandmother! This man also has some deep rooted self esteem issues perhaps due to being obese almost all of his life. He had the weight loss surgery 2 years ago and is still obese but not 500 lbs like he used to be. I have let him know that I love him with all of my heart and That I am here still. The last few months he has been rather mean to me at times… disrespectful and demeaning. I feel like he almost did that to force me to break up with him because he did not have the heart to do it him self. I weep as I write this. My heart is broken

I admit that I avoid intimacy, but not out of fear of loss. It’s true that I have a negative self-image. Both parents worked long hours so I was bounced from in-home child-care situation to the next, usually provided by geriatric women who only interacted with me with a meal. Otherwise, I was left alone. I had one sibling growing up. A sister that was 10-years my senior who was full of resentment, and took it out on me whenever she was “forced to babysit” me by our parents. She repeatedly told me that that I was “just a doofus”, that our parents didn’t love me, and that I was “a mistake.” This, along with other experiences instilled in me a lack of confidence and social skills that made her negative remarks self-fulfilling by the time I hit grade-school. My peers, sensing my insecurity mercilessly tormented me with similar remarks. That served well to permanently validate my sister’s words and my own self-assessment. Unlike the article suggests, I never retreated into a fantasy life. I have always been super-grounded in the reality of the moment. Instead, I immersed myself in diverse intellectual pursuits, like reading, designing or building things, etc. This distraction became an aptitude that enabled me to successfully complete college and grad school then then become an electronics engineer. Through years of practice, I’ve learned to put up a facade, I now appear attractive, outwardly social, and quite normal in social situations. Co-workers and neighbors frequently attempt to be my “friend.” I am irritatingly-often invited to cook-outs, or other social activities but graciously decline “because I’m just too busy.” Setting aside the fact that I’d be bored out of my skull since socializing really does nothing for me, I feel that it would be dishonest for me to attend, because it’s not me but my facade they like. Otherwise, I have a deep sense of disgust or pity for anyone who would want to spend time with the REAL me. Through the years, I have accepted a few invites for dates (women asking me out), but ultimately I sabotage those when it seems the interested party wants more from me and I begin to experience the disgust/pity thing. So basically, I harbor a hatred of myself. The only way I have kept from offing myself over the years is to try to add value to society by being kind, working hard, and being charitable with my time, talents, and financial resources. I make great money, but give most of it away. I’ve been doing this for two decades now. I ultimately envision myself freezing to death some winter night, alone on a park-bench after I’m forced into retirement and can no longer serve a purpose in this world.

I’m trying to understand an avoidant person’s mind to better understand the guy I’ve been seeing. Your message is really sad. It sounds like a lonely, self-imposed existence that people like me who have an anxious attachment style want to fix or rescue. Nothing is wrong with most of what you wrote as far as getting bored out of your skull going to social functions where you feel forced to be on. Superficial interactions are not fun. Maybe you’re an introvert. What I would like to ask is what do you mean by you feel disgust/pity when women start to ask for more from you? Could you explain more of what this feels like, and how you think it could be avoided? The guy I’ve been seeing would seem to be all about me, texting me all throughout the day every day, being sweet, thoughtful, caring and seeming to be happy and excited about seeing me, but the minute I brought up wanting to see him more than two nights a week on an occasional basis and this is after two years of dating he blew up, and is now completely silent. Why would a girl just wanting to spend more time with you out of love and enjoying being with you cause you to feel disgust? I felt his disgust and anger as if he suddenly hated me. It’s utterly heartbreaking to me, and I’m sure he feels pity for me, but other than pity I don’t feel it phases him to stop seeing me too much.

I have spent decades alone in deep rooted fear being sexually molested by a parent, verbally, physically and emotionally abused by both parents
Time after time after time , I have avoided, avoided, avoided. Developed an addiction to sex, which in reality is a fear of intimacy, because it’s easier to be intimate witha computer than a real live person. I have self -sabotaged relationships one by one . Leaving me alone and utterly sad and alone. Crying out to God for help.
I live with bipolar, PTSD, general and social anxiety disorders. I take my meds ,faithfully see a psychiatrist, and talk therapist, I lead addiction and mental illness support groups. I am in ol ed in my church. I have heard that the only way out of,something is to go through it, therefore with the next lady I am with she will know all about my issues and concerns. I will “sweat through” the fear of intimacy issue until I get through ro the other side. I love you all!

Intimacy requires two people. For intimacy to be authentic, the two people have to be attracted to one another and desire mutual closeness. If paid companionship is illegal, society is basically telling people who cannot attract another person for mutually desired intimacy that they are ineligible for it. I am not (and cannot be) attractive at a sexual / romantic level to any woman – and as such, society deems me disqualified from meeting a basic human need that most other people can fulfill. People like me go through life in [sometimes intense] pain due to intense loneliness. Things that most people take for granted (free hugs, for example) are NOT possible for everyone. I have never paid for sex or intimacy – but have also never had either (not even once) because I simply cannot attract any woman other than as a friend (and I have many women friends – none of whom are romantically attracted to me). Not everyone who pays is cheating on a partner – not everyone who is cheating even has a partner. Some of us have no chance of ever attracting a partner who wants to be with us at a sexual level no matter what we do. This is a fact.

What is the fear of crush called?

What is philophobia mean?

What is Elevatophobia?

What is Pistanthrophobia?