Why is my step mom so mean to me

Ill start off with a little back story, my parents divorced when i was 3 and my dad got remarried when I was 5 so i do not remember a time when i did not have a stepparent. I stayed with my mom the majority of the time, but would visit my dad every other weekend. My family would tell me when I was little, I adored my step mom and she loved me back, but I was too young to remember this. Slowly though, when I turned 7, she began to make me feel like I was a very bad child and did everything wrong. She would tell the family I bullied my stepsisters and she would purposely break their toys and tell them I did it. As I got older, this odd behavior continued into hard verbal abuse. My stepmom would always let me know how fat and gross I was and how much her daughters were better than me. Every little thing that happened, I would get punished for, resulting in me not even leaving my room to spend time with my dad because I did not want to get picked on. She believed my hands were full of germs and warts and would make me wear ductape on all of my fingers and I could not take them off all weekend until I went home, resulting in my skin to get bad infections and smell. She would also try to convince me my mom was a horrible person and we lived in a poor, dirty environment. She believed I did not know how to properly bathe myself so she did it up until i was 13 and I decided i was too uncomfortable there to even visit. When I tried to tell family members, they did not believe me because my stepmom would tell them stories of how im so mean to her. My dad would try to talk to her, which would always end up in a fight and he did not want another divorce so he just ignored it. My mom stood up to her several times, but that would just make the abuse worse behind closed doors, so even though it hurt my dad, I decided it was best for myself to no longer go over to their house. I am now 19 and still dread having to see her at family gatherings. She is nice around the public, but alone she always whispers rude remarks reminding me how little she thinks of me. I am a quiet person and just take it and walk away, but I recently had to go on vacation with them so I could spend some time with my dad before going to college and it was just like I was 10 again staying at their house. For his sake, I have to continue a relationship with her, but I just dont understand how someone can slowly become so awful towards a child they once apparently adored?

Table of Contents Show

• How do you deal with a mean step mom?
• Is it harder being a stepmom or stepdad?
• Why do we call step mother?
• Why is being a step mother so hard?

Um you had a lot of people fail you in your life. Your stepmom should NOT have been doing any of those things to you. She abused you. And bathing you until you were 13??? What the hell? I never ever bathed my stepkids. Albeit they are a bit older and can do those things themselves. The oldest is 14 now, the next is 13 and the other is 8. But four years ago the youngest was four - I never bathed him. His dad would do that when he was with us and he might have helped his daughter if she needed a towel or something. But no way in hell I'd go near someone else's kids naked let alone bathe them.

Your dad "tried" to talk to her? What does that even mean?

Your dad should have actually talked to her and told her to stop and when she didn't he should have divorced her. And as stated your mom should have reported her for this abuse. If ANYONE ever did even half those things to my daughter they better hope the cops get to them first before I do.

You're 19 why didn't you stand up to her? No you do not have to continue a relationship with her for "his sake." My mom's husband is the man she had an affair with for half my life. Do you think I talk to him? Hell no. He abused my mom physically and still mentally and verbally abuses her. He ruined my childhood with their affair. He threatened my father, threatened to kidnap us or my brother if she didn't go see him. I have nothing to do with him since they got married. One time I stayed at their house when I came home from Iraq because my brother picked me up. I didn't say hardly a word to him. He's a disgusting vile "man." My daughter has never nor will meet him. My mother respects that because she wants to see her granddaughter.

If I was you, I'd go up to my stepmom and I would tell her what she did to me was abuse. That is she ever tries to do those things to me again she doesnt' have a 10 year old child to deal with anymore. I would go talk to your dad and tell him that you will not partake in any activity that has her involved in it. If he chooses her, he doesn't deserve you.

Have you gotten any counseling for this?

Dear Dr. G.,

Hi. I'm a miserable 15-year-old girl. My parents got divorced about five years ago. It was probably a good thing because there was so much fighting in the house when they were married. The problem is that I was always closer to my father than to my mom. When my father moved out, he and I were still very close. We would talk a lot and I would spend weekends at my dad's house.

Fast forward to the present. My father got married again about a year ago. He married a lady with two teenage daughters. As far as I can tell, my father is really nice to these girls. I am a little jealous that these girls get to live with my father but they're really nice so that makes me happy. The problem is that my stepmother seems to hate me. She says mean things about my mother. I overheard her calling me a spoiled brat to my father. She complains that my father gives my mom too much money.

Lately, my father has been contacting me less. I feel like that my stepmother has put a wedge between me and my dad. I feel obnoxious saying this but I think my stepmother is jealous of me. I am a better student than her daughters and I look a lot like my mother who my step-mom doesn't like. My mother is really nice and pretty. Whenever my parents are on the phone about something related to me or my brother my stepmother gives my dad the silent treatment.

Dr. G. is this how most stepmothers act? Is there anything that I can do to improve my relationships with my dad and my stepmother?

Help!

A Sad Teen

Dear Teen,

Your situation is sad and seems very stressful. I must say that you seem both intelligent and well-intentioned. You ask if most step-mothers behave like this. I certainly hope that the majority of stepmothers do not behave like this. I would like to think that most adult women would be kinder to their husband's children. Nonetheless, I have worked with many teenage girls who have felt as though their stepmothers were in competition with them for the father's love. This is a shame because a father generally loves his wife and daughter in different ways. Sometimes a confusing dynamic develops where the stepmother begins to see the child from the earlier marriage as the "other woman." This is a painful and very difficult dynamic.

There have been many instances in my career where I have been called upon to clarify roles in step-families so that everyone assumes the proper role without worrying that there is not enough love, emotion and resources to go around. Just as it is not easy to be a step-child it's not always easy to be a step-mother. Nonetheless, the burden is on your father and stepmother to step up to the plate and create a harmonious environment for you in their home.

I recommend strongly that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your father. Without verbally attacking or devaluing your stepmother, explain to your father how she makes you feel. While you're at it, tell your dad that you miss him and feel that you two are becoming less close. Perhaps your dad will then have a dialogue with your stepmother and things will improve. If things improve then that is fabulous. If they do not that is a shame. In that case, you will need to accept that your stepmom's behavior may not change but that you can change your reaction to her. Over time you may learn that it is possible to be less emotionally reactive to her insensitivity. I am sad that you may have to do this but I am simply looking out for you.

Good luck to you and let me know how things unfold.

Dr. G.

For more posts like this, see my website.

How do you deal with a mean step mom?

Is it harder being a stepmom or stepdad?

Why do we call step mother?

Why is being a step mother so hard?