Why is my teenage daughter so angry all the time

Have you found yourself thinking, “How did we get from sugar and spice and everything nice,” to “Who are you, and what have you done with my sweet daughter?” From head to toe, many things are going on in your teen daughter’s body. Genetics, personality, friendships, school, and those active hormones can take you on a rollercoaster of your own. More than any other time in their lives, teen girls are going through a host of physical, emotional, and intellectual changes.

The behavior that results from so many changes can be unexpected and challenging. It can be difficult to discern normal behavior from behavior that needs attention. This is a season of life that calls for a vast amount of objectivity and large doses of patience.

A Teen’s Perspective Of Their Behavior

Teenagers Are Difficult To Understand - Therapy Can Make It Easier

While your daughter’s changes since she became a teen are glaring, she may not feel any differently than she has in the past. Try to see her perspective as objectively as possible. She’s most likely so focused on herself that she’s not aware of how her behavior affects anyone else.

Your daughter may be arguing with you at every turn, but have you considered that there’s a reason that you always seem to be her target? Teens often see their parents as safe people that they can vent their frustrations. The teen years bring the lion’s of frustrations. Teens want to feel that they’re more in control of their relationships and lives. They’re striving for an increased sense of independence. These feelings often translate to disrespectful, rebellious behavior. According to an article by Psychology Today, children can sense parental stress and will react negatively.

Long stretches of strenuous relationships take a toll on parents’ health. Don’t be dismayed. You can do a few things to rein in troublesome teen behavior to navigate the path to adulthood. If your teen’s behavior needs to be addressed, you can monitor your behavior and parenting style for the best outcome. If necessary, you can also set up a contract for expected behavior.

What To Do When You Question, “Why Is My Teenage Daughter So Mean To Me?

When parenting your teenage daughter, you can never be sure whether you’re climbing the hill of the rollercoaster, speeding around a sharp corner, turning upside down, or coasting to the finish line. That’s what makes a parenting journal a fabulous idea. Create a parenting journal using a notebook or set up a file on your computer. Track the interactions between you and your daughter every day and look for patterns. Using an objective lens, consider whether your parenting style is contributing to her behavior.

Bypass the cause of the behavior and focus on her speech and actions. She may not even know why she acts the way she does. Also, was there ever a time when you said "I hate my kids!" out of frustration, even though you didn't mean it but sounded like it? You can’t always change the cause, but you can always encourage a better response to the cause. Learning to react differently from what comes naturally is a skill that teens can learn as teens. It’s a good skill that they can take with them as they journey to maturity.

Teens Will Be Teens

Under the best of circumstances, teens tend to see things myopically. Try to remember that they lack the life experience that you have. In her eyes, you just don’t get it.

The teen years are a time where girls are forming strong opinions, perhaps for the first time. It’s common for teens to be critical of their parents. It’s part of how they become their unique selves as adults. She’s bound to make some mistakes. It’s important to give all teens room to make mistakes because that’s how they learn and grow.

As a parent, you can’t change how development manifests. You can draw some boundaries around how they express their opinions negatively, critically, and disrespectfully.

Remain Neutral And Describe The Interactions

Try to put your hurt on a shelf when you start writing in your parenting journal. This is a place to record objective information about your daughter and your interactions with her. Please avoid using your journal as a place to make a long list of negative behaviors that you can shoot her away when you’re angry at her. It won’t do either of you any good. Focus on her overall state of mind and the dynamics that regularly occur between the two of you.

In your interactions between you and your daughter, do your best to remain neutral. Stay calm and objective. Does your daughter treat everyone the same way, or is it just you? Is her behavior different at school than at home? How often are her blow-ups and disagreements occurring? Can you point the issue to a specific cause? Is she having difficulty with friends, boyfriends, grades, or another disappointment?

Please make a note of the negative things she’s said and done. Also, please make a note of the positive things that she’s said and done. Highlight this area. It’s something that you can build on.

Are you able to find any specific patterns of interaction? What do you wish you’d said or done differently? Look for ways that both of you had some successes and look for ways to achieve the same outcome.

Make it a point to include notes about how her words and behavior make you feel. Her behavior may leave you feeling very wounded by the time she matures. Your notes about how you’re feeling could catalyze your healing later on.

Help Your Teen Focus On Behavior By Setting Clear Boundaries And Consistent Consequences

Once you feel that you have enough information, consider sitting down with your daughter and developing a contract. A verbal agreement works well for some families. A written contract makes expectations clear for everyone and makes it easier for everyone to be accountable. If your teen is resistant to a contract, it’s often helpful to enlist a therapist’s help to keep things fair and neutral.

First, sort her behaviors into two groups. List the most frequent and critical issues that are causing disrespect. Agree that you can overlook minor issues such as eye-rolling, pouting, and muttering quietly.

Identify the top three behaviors that are unacceptable and cannot continue. As a note of caution-if threats is becoming physical, be sure to get a professional counselor involved. Set a priority level for each behavior and set a consequence for each infraction. Don’t try to tackle more than 2-3 issues at a time.

Increase Your Chances Of Success By Agreeing On The Terms Of The Contract

Choose a quiet, agreeable time to bring up the topic of a behavior contract. Explain that it’s a way of helping you get along better and create a more peaceful living environment for everyone. If your daughter expresses opposition, remind her that she will be entering into many different types of contracts as she moves closer towards adulthood. Getting a job, buying a car, and buying a house all require a contract and will require her to fulfill certain responsibilities.

Post the contract in a visible place and keep an electronic copy as a backup.

The consequences should match the infraction. Refrain from being too harsh. You don’t want her to suffer or drive her into even further rebellion. You want to know that she can connect the consequence with her ability to make a better choice next time.

When she breaches the contract, don’t underreact or overreact. Be calm and tell your daughter that her behavior is by the contract and enforce the consequence. Don’t expound on it.

Model The Behavior You Want To See

Teenagers Are Difficult To Understand - Therapy Can Make It Easier

This article by AllPsych.com suggests that parents model the behavior they want to see, so it’s important to be on guard about your behavior. Your daughter will learn by your speech and your actions on how she can improve her behavior. As difficult as it may be, speak to your daughter calmly and respectfully, especially when you’re upset and angry.

When the going gets too tough to handle, it’s helpful to seek out counseling for yourself. The easiest way to find a match for a therapist is by reaching out to ReGain, where you can be matched with a therapist that can help you with what you’re struggling with.

Your daughter will be watching to see how you deal with conflict in your own life. This is not the time to engage in nasty dialogue with other adults or speak ill of them behind their backs. Teens can smell hypocrisy a mile away. If your daughter witnesses a few harsh words between you and another adult, it can wipe away the little progress you’ve made. Let your actions and words reflect the behavior that you want to see in your daughter. She’ll get it! She’s watching you closely.

Finally, acknowledge every little bit of progress. Let her know in words and actions that you love her and that you’re very proud of her.

Don’t forget one of the unique characteristics of a rollercoaster ride-it goes very fast. Whatever you’re going through with your teen daughter, this too shall pass.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Why is my daughter so nasty to me?

There’re several reasons why your grown daughter can behave in a nasty manner towards you. Some of the reasons are:

• She doesn’t respect you enough

Even though it may be difficult to accept, your daughter wears nasty behavior when she is around you because you do not hold her in high esteem.

You're possibly not cool enough for her, or she just found out some things about you that made her judge you. Also, she may be nursing the thoughts that you are not a worthy parent, hence her nasty behavior.

• She has pent up resentment or anger due to a past event

If your fourteen-year-old daughter had some problems with a past event that is still unchecked or unresolved, it might inform her behavior towards you.

When children and their parents handle issues like arguments or disagreements, these issues must be resolved to keep the children-parent relationship going smoothly. Any mishandling of the issues may lead to its reemergence when you thought you'd trashed it already. 

• She may be angry or frustrated with someone else.

It is possible that your grown daughter is upset or frustrated with her teacher, family, boyfriend, or friend.

Irrespective of whom she is mad at, if she finds it difficult handling the situation, she may seek the right channel to vent her frustrations, and you may seem to be the right candidate for that.

You may want to carry out some investigations to see what and who is the cause of her frustrations and anger.

• She’s attempting to gain her freedom and space.

Ever heard something like, “leave her alone. She’s going through a life stage?” What they often mean when they say that is that your grown daughter has entered a phase where she wants to assert her independence.

Right from when you gave birth to her when your twelve-year-old daughter seeks her independence from you, she always did what you wanted her to do. But right now, she has her own choice to make, and she doesn’t want you interfering with it.

• She feels that you aren’t giving her sufficient time or love

Let's be real. Most working parents are so full of activity that they don't have enough time for their children. This can lead to feelings of lack of attention or love from their children. An offshoot behavior can be rebellion.

How do you deal with a rude daughter

·          Ignore Attention-Seeking Behavior

While it appears that pay no attention to minor disrespect is identical to letting your grown daughter get away with her nasty behavior, it is one of the ways to handle your daughter’s rude behavior.

This strategy can also help you more productive because you're not allowing your child's behavior affects what you are currently doing. And when you do, this can blossom your relationship with your daughter.

·         Use the Grandma’s Rule of Discipline

Even though it appears very simple, this rule is one of the most effective ways of getting your grown daughter to comply with your rules. Rather than telling her what she cannot do, make her see ways of earning a privilege when she does what you want her to do. 

Instead of saying, “If you do not do the dishes, I won’t let you play with your mates,” say, “As soon as you are done doing the dished, you can join your friends outside.” Then leave her to decide.

·         Use a Then /When Notification

Structure your request in a positive, non-authoritative manner. Utilize the "when…then" format to inform the consequences of their actions, albeit in a mild manner. Say something like, "When you clean up your room, then we can go to the movies."

This allows your child to change their behavior. Just make sure you're fully prepared to follow through with a negative consequence. Avoid repeating your warnings over and over again. Otherwise, you'll be training your child not to listen.

·         Execute an Instant Repercussion

Most rude behaviors should be met with an instant consequence. Don’t forget to put the severity of the offense and your child's age into consideration when you are determining the consequence of their actions.

·         Employ Restitution

Restitution is about doing something kind for the victim or doing something to make reparations for the damage that has been done.

If your grown daughter behaves rudely, it may be necessary to employ restitution to discourage her from repeating it. Restitution in this context is all about her making up for her mistakes and pledging never to do them again.

If, for instance, she hits your younger sibling, make her do all the dishes for the rest of the day. Or you can make her pay for something she damaged out of anger. This would help prevent her from making such bad behaviors a part of her personality.

Why is my teenage daughter so hateful to me?

In an always morphing world, everyone's emotional, intellectual, and physical components are always changing to adapt to the environment's demands. Teenagers are no exception to this.

Because teenagers are less experienced than most adults, they can let these changes get to them and affect their behaviors and still be unaware of how their behaviors affect other people around them.

Parents may be the safe people to vent their anger and frustrations with things they can’t cope with or control.

But, your grown daughter can also express some hateful attitudes towards you due to some biological changes. If she is close to her menstrual cycle or is currently facing it, her hormonal imbalance may be blamed here.

Sometimes, you may be the problem here. Have you done anything that to deserve this? It’s time to search inwards and restore your once-loving relationship with your daughter.

What is a toxic daughter?

One of the characteristics of the teenage phase is rebellion or the abnormal urge to be independent. If your grown daughter causes very serious problems for you at home, then it's time to investigate if it is age-appropriate behavior or gradually become a part of her personality.

A toxic daughter loves to exert her will above that of their parents and often tries to blackmail them into doing her bidding.

Toxic daughters are the offshoots of a substandard upbringing. They're spoiled and pampered and like to wield power and authority that they are neither mature enough nor old enough to handle.

What is a toxic mother-daughter relationship?

A mother-daughter relationship is non-loving, spiteful, blackmailing, and often physically abusive. If a mother is mercilessly critical of you and always likes to find fault with whatever you do, she is a toxic mother. The reverse can also be true. There're grown daughters that are just as toxic as toxic mothers. Over time, such a relationship can eat away the victim’s self-image and self-confidence, discouraging any healthy feeling of self-worth.

Why is my child so awful?

There’re many reasons your child is having an emotional outburst, temper tantrums, or doing what you least expect of him. Sometimes, these reasons for this may be justifiable, such as overtiredness or hunger. At other times, they can be due to irrational thinking or the “peer pressure” thing.

One way of dealing with your grown daughter's bad behaviors is by her for every good deed she does. You can also enact some punishment measures to checkmate any bad behavior.  When correcting your child’s awful behavior:

• Judge whether the behavior is not serious or not and consider your daughter's age and developmental stage before giving out any punishment.
• Decide to discontinue the awful behavior, either by punishing it or by ignoring it.
• Introduce another behavior that you favor and reward your child when he/she does it.

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