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Listen without judgment or distractions to absorb what is being said.
How often have you had a conversation with someone, and thought you were paying attention to him or her, only to realize shortly afterwards that you can't remember what he said? Or, perhaps you got distracted while he was speaking and missed the message that he was trying to deliver.
In today's busy world, it can be hard to shut out distractions such as noise and electronic devices, and our own thoughts or reactions can draw us away from a conversation. So, how can we listen more effectively?
When we listen "mindfully," we can be aware of these barriers and still remain open to the speaker's ideas and messages. So, in this article, we explore mindful listening and suggest simple ways you can use this technique to improve your listening skills.
What Is Mindful Listening?
In his 1994 book, 'Wherever You Go, There You Are,' Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, says mindfulness means "paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally."
Mindfulness encourages you to be aware of the present moment, and to let go of distractions and your physical and emotional reactions to what people say to you. When you're not mindful, you can be distracted by your own thoughts and worries, and fail to see and hear what other people are doing and saying.
Communication expert Rebecca Shafir suggests that the average person can remember only 25 percent of what someone has said, just a few minutes after a conversation. The goal of mindful listening is to silence the internal noise of your own thoughts, so that you can hear the whole message, and so that the speaker feels understood.
Some people are skeptical of mindfulness because they think that it falls into the category of "alternative medicine" or "natural remedies." We examine the latest research in our article, Mindfulness in the Workplace.
How to Listen Mindfully
Often, we perform activities and interact with people without thinking. Listening mindfully is a process of "waking up" from that unconsciousness. In his study, "Get Out of Your Own Head: Mindful Listening for Project Managers," author Charlie Scott describes three key elements of mindful listening that you can use to improve your listening skills:
1. Being present. When you listen mindfully, your focus should be on the person you are listening to, without distractions. So, how do you do that?
- Simplify your surroundings: workplaces are full of distractions like phones, computers, printers, and electronic devices. Keep your workspace tidy and mute your devices.
- Give yourself time: take a minute or two to clear your mind before you meet with someone. Practice a few relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation, before the conversation.
- Meditate: meditation is a way of practicing mindfulness and can be an excellent way of learning how to focus on the moment. When you empty your mind of "clutter," you can make room for other people's points of view. Meditation is like many other exercises – the more you do it, the better at it you will become. It can be difficult to find time in a busy schedule for meditation, but even five or 10 minutes a day can help.
2. Cultivating empathy. We often see the world through the lens of our own experiences, personality and beliefs. When you're empathic, you can understand a situation from someone else's point of view. Our article, Empathy at Work, describes a number of strategies you can use to develop this skill. For example, you can validate her perspective by acknowledging her opinion. It doesn't mean you have to agree with her, just that you accept she has a different perspective from you.
3. Listening to your own "cues." According to Scott, our cues are the thoughts, feelings and physical reactions that we have when we feel anxious or angry, and they can block out ideas and perspectives that we're uncomfortable with. Mindful listening can help us to be more aware of our cues, and allow us to choose not to let them block communication.
The rule is straightforward: simply "Listen!" Listen carefully and attentively. Pay complete attention to the other person, and don't let other thoughts – like what you are going to say next – distract you.
What Are the Benefits of Mindful Listening?
Mindful listening goes beyond active listening, which provides a checklist of actions to follow but doesn't necessarily prompt you, the listener, to monitor thoughts, feelings or reactions that might affect what you hear. Instead, mindful listening can help you to become aware of distractions so you can refocus and listen consciously.
In her 2000 book, "The Zen of Listening," Shafir says mindful listening helps you to:
- Retain information.
- Pause before you speak so that you can consider the effect of your words.
- Pay attention for longer.
- Boost your self-esteem.
Shafir and Scott also suggest mindful listening can potentially have physical and psychological benefits. Shafir likens focusing on another person to stroking a pet – you forget about yourself, your blood pressure drops, and you feel calmer. And Scott says it can reduce anxiety and increase positive feelings.
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Like the best-laid schemes of mice and men, the best-rehearsed speeches go oft astray. No amount of preparation can counter an audience’s perception that the speaker is calculating or insincere. Why do so many managers have trouble communicating authenticity to their listeners?
Morgan, a communications coach for more than two decades, offers advice for overcoming this difficulty. Recent brain research shows that natural, unstudied gestures—what Morgan calls the “second conversation”—express emotions or impulses a split second before our thought processes have turned them into words. So the timing of practiced gestures will always be subtly off—just enough to be picked up by listeners’ unconscious ability to read body language.
If you can’t practice the unspoken part of your delivery, what can you do? Tap into four basic impulses underlying your speech—to be open to the audience, to connect with it, to be passionate, and to “listen” to how the audience is responding—and then rehearse your presentation with each in mind. You can become more open, for instance, by imagining that you’re speaking to your spouse or a close friend. To more readily connect, focus on needing to engage your listeners and then to keep their attention, as if you were speaking to a child who isn’t heeding your words. To convey your passion, identify the feelings behind your speech and let them come through. To listen, think about what the audience is probably feeling when you step up to the podium and be alert to the nonverbal messages of its members.
Internalizing these four impulses as you practice will help you come across as relaxed and authentic—and your body language will take care of itself.
You rehearsed your speech thoroughly—and mastered that all-important body language. But when you delivered the talk, you sensed little enthusiasm in your audience.
What’s going on? You’re probably coming across as artificial. The reason: When we rehearse specific body language elements, we use them incorrectly during the actual speech—slightly after speaking the associated words. Listeners feel something’s wrong, because during natural conversation, body language emerges before the associated words.
To demonstrate your authenticity, don’t rehearse your body language. Instead, imagine meeting four aims:
- Being open to your audience
- Connecting with your audience
- Being passionate about your topic
- Listening to your audience
When you rehearse this way, you’ll genuinely experience these feelings when delivering your speech. Your body language will emerge at the right moment. And your listeners will know you’re the real thing.
The Idea in Practice
Morgan recommends rehearsing your speeches with these four aims in mind:
Being Open to Your Audience
To rehearse being open, practice your speech by envisioning what it would be like to give your presentation to someone you’re completely comfortable with. The person could be your spouse, a close friend, or your child. Notice especially what this feels like: This is the emotional state you want to be in when you deliver the speech.
This state leads to more natural body language, such as smiles and relaxed shoulders. And the behaviors in turn lead to more candid expression of your thoughts and feelings.
Connecting with Your Audience
As you practice your speech, think about wanting to engage with your listeners. Imagine that a young child you know well isn’t heeding you. You want to capture—and keep—his attention however you can.
In such situations, you don’t strategize; you simply do what feels natural and appropriate. For example, you increase the intensity or volume of your voice or move closer to your listener. During your actual speech, these behaviors will happen naturally and with the right timing.
Being Passionate About Your Topic
While rehearsing, ask yourself what in your topic you feel deeply about: What’s at stake? What results do you want your presentation to produce? Focus not on what you want to say but on why you’re giving the speech and how you feel about it. Let the underlying emotion come out in every word you deliver during rehearsal. You’ll infuse the actual speech with some of that passion and come across as more human and engaging.
“Listening” to Your Audience
To practice fulfilling this aim, think about what your listeners will likely be feeling when you step up to begin your presentation. Are they excited about the future? Worried about bad news? As you practice, imagine watching them closely, looking for signs of their response to you.
During your presentation, you’ll be more prepared to identify the emotions your listeners are sending to you via nonverbal means. And you’ll be able to respond to them appropriately; for example, by picking up the pace, varying your language, asking an impromptu question, or even eliminating or changing parts of your talk.
At a companywide sales meeting, Carol, a vice president of sales, strides energetically to the podium, pauses for a few seconds to look at the audience, and then tells a story from her days as a field rep. She deftly segues from her anecdote to a positive assessment of the company’s sales outlook for the year, supplementing her speech with colorful slides showing strong growth and exciting new products in the pipeline. While describing those products, she accents her words with animated gestures.
A version of this article appeared in the November 2008 issue of Harvard Business Review.