Stop choosing someone who isnt choosing you

Anyone who doesn’t choose you cannot possibly be meant for you. It seems like an easy concept. But when the heart is involved, logic and reasoning don’t matter. Because in one moment, you’re future with this person is one you thought would become a reality then the next you’re struggling to put together pieces of how you even got there in the first place and was there some detail you missed as you run over the past few weeks to months before everything changed?

The truth is when something ends, and you come across a love that stops being reciprocated, that is someone recognizing within themselves, they aren’t supposed to feel the way they do. It’s that person realizing you deserve someone whose feelings match yours in the same intensity. When love stops choosing you, that isn’t the moment you try and prove you deserve their love; that’s the moment you step away and say, “I deserve someone who will pick me.” And that is what you deserve, someone who chooses you every single day without hesitation or doubt.

The truth is when you come across a love that stops choosing you, that’s not a love that was going to last. As much as love is about timing and being in the right place at the right time, it’s also two people coming to the table and choosing one another and not quitting just because things got complicated and challenging. Your entire life will be complicated and challenging even when you find the right person, but the difference is in those complexities; you’ll have someone there with you to get through it and not a love that leaves so soon or abruptly who wasn’t ready for more challenges to come.

The truth is when a heart stops choosing you, and it isn’t because there is something wrong with you. We have to train ourselves to get out of the habit of something not going according to plan and looking internally like we are wrong or doing something wrong. Because you will do wrong things and mess up, but it won’t shake the right person. And even the wrong people will look past the wrong things you do, but even they can’t deny that sometimes people are wrong for each other. And when that truth comes out, that is when you see endings.

The truth is when someone doesn’t choose you anymore, that’s the very moment you have to pick yourself. Because you’ll come across a few heartbreaks that shake you, but in someone who doesn’t choose you, that shouldn’t dictate you are choosing yourself. You can’t get away from who you are; you can only learn to love yourself. No matter who may go, I hope the love you have for yourself isn’t attached to a person because it’s dangerous to only love yourself when others do.

The truth is when love is met with goodbye; there is someone else ready to say hello, who won’t walk away. You won’t care about anyone new for a long time when you get heartbroken. The thought of loving again may be met with fear. It may take some time. But one day, you’ll realize even if it was a heartbreaking ending that brought you to your knees, it was merely a chapter ending with someone temporary. When you love again with someone who knows how, you’ll be filled with gratitude that that thing you wanted so badly to work out didn’t because it wouldn’t have allowed you to see what was planned to work out this whole time.

If we looked at heartbreak only as someone who is getting us closer to our destination, maybe we’d heal faster. Maybe we’d read faster and turn more pages if we realized the heartbreak we feel in this moment today is the opposite of the joy to come. Maybe heartbreak and love are closer than we realize on some spectrum. Maybe we need one to make us realize the value in another. So the next time someone leaves, remember the love that lasts is made up of goodbyes that didn’t work for a reason.

This is an epiphany I wish everyone looking for love could instantly download:

When you’re not a fit for someone, that means they’re not a fit for you.

A leading qualifier for a good partner is that they choose you. They want you. And if they don’t choose or want you, then they’re not a good fit. Right?

So, if you choose and want someone, but they aren’t reciprocating…

WALK AWAY.

I’d write this entire friggin’ article in ALL CAPS if it wouldn’t be totally annoying. I just get so fired up about this…

Seriously, it’s so simple. If they don’t choose you back, what’s the point? You have to make this your bottom line. The price of admission for entering relationship is that you choose each other.

Don’t just give away your love to anybody. Don’t give away your time and your relationship status to anybody. You’re not just waiting for someone to save you. And you can probably thank fairy tales for that— where you have this feeling of being up in a tower, waiting to lower your hair for prince charming one magical day…

And men are also taught to play our role in that drama, believing that we need to save people and fix things. But neither of our value is in the roles of “saviour” and “saved…”

Your value is purely in you being in your power and in your truth, and deciding: Is this a good fit for me? Whatever the choice is—a partner, a job—does it align with your soul? Is it in your values?

And in relationship, if your values include integrity and respect, how could you be with anyone who doesn’t choose you back? You have to be in it. And so do they. Otherwise, you’re leaving your own values to be in the relationship. And we all need to STOP doing that.

So, if you find that your pattern is choosing people who aren’t choosing you back, what do you do? You get back into your body. Into your truth. Into your power. And realise that you’re f*king choosing…

When you stop entertaining people who don’t pursue you back, you’ll have so much free time. You’ll have SO much more energy. You’ll be like, “Oh my God, I can go pursue someone who pursues me too? That seems so simple!”

Sure, it is simple. But let’s also put on the compassionate lens. Because I might be making it sound like you just instantly wake up and realise this. And, well, you kinda do…

At the same time, I get why you keep allowing yourself to be unchosen. Because I did it too. It’s that childlike Disney energy, where you’re waiting for someone to snap out of a spell and fall madly in love with you. But that’s not how love works.

If you’re giving time to people who don’t choose you, here’s what’s actually happening…

What you’re really doing is running from love. The crazy part is, if you’re running toward someone who doesn’t choose you, and waiting around for them to have a change of heart—that’s still running from love. Real love. BIG love. Healthy love. Where both people are totally in and committed.

So, if you’re someone who’s running from love, it’s time to figure out why. And it’s time to run towards it.

Ask yourself: “Where did love burn me?” Acknowledge that. Go into that. Because if you can go into where love burned you, you can pour the water on the burn, and then you can learn from it.

Ask: “Who lit that fire? Who taught me that love wasn’t safe? And where was all the dry kindling inside that I should have cleaned that up, but made the burn so much worse?”

The way to these answers is stillness. Stop running. Just stop altogether. And start facing the unseen forces that have been driving you in circles for years.

Meditation is a great tool for this. Because it requires you to cease all doing and switch to being. It requires you to learn how to be in your body. And if you’re someone who says, “I don’t meditate, I don’t have time,” then consider this…

Whenever you say, “I don’t have time,” try replacing that sentence with, “It’s not a priority.” Because you have time. Lots of it. 1,440 minutes per day, to be exact. You’re just choosing to spend those minutes on some things and not others.

Or whenever anyone says, “I don’t meditate because it’s too much. I can’t sit still.” The answer is built into that statement: “I can’t” means “I won’t.” And you don’t want to because there’s something uncomfortable waiting inside for you to sit through and learn from.

What I can’t do, or won’t do, is lie to you. Learning to drop into your body isn’t a cakewalk. But it’s one of the most valuable skills you’ll ever develop.

When you turn inward to examine why you’ve been running from love, you can learn how to move toward relationships in a more powerful, boundaried way. When you understand why you’ve been giving yourself away to undeserving partners, you can break the cycle and begin choosing differently.

This power to choose carries into the rest of your life. Once you sink through the noise, you begin discovering the signal of your intuition. So, when you ask yourself that vital question—“Is this right for me?”—you can more clearly hear the answer. And honouring that answer will guide you to the greatest partners and possibilities imaginable.

One of my clients has been in so much pain because she continues to choose a relationship that is not choosing her back. She is ready to dive in wholeheartedly yet he remains elusive. The more she tries to win him over or convince herself that she is "okay" with his non-committal vibe, the more painful it becomes. I have so much compassion for her because I've been there -- I think we have ALL been there.

Liking someone and not feeling liked back. Contorting yourself into who you think they want you to be. Hoping, praying and wishing that person would just see how amazing you would be together and choose you. Wanting that person to be available, willing and ready to commit.

Not feeling "chosen" feels awful.

Why continue choosing into situations where we are not seen, valued and met?

In my client's case, a part of her knows that she deserves someone who truly is in love with her. Yet another part of her is in love with the idea of winning this guy over and the fantasy of what could be.

Granted, at the beginning of any relationship there is some wooing that goes on. When we first start dating someone, it's natural to put a little more effort in so the other person knows that you like him/her. But there is a line between wooing someone because you are mutually interested in relationship and convincing someone to be in a relationship with you.

Have you crossed the line? Here's how you know. When someone is clear -- either in their words or behavior -- that they are not looking for a commitment and you are, do you hear that information and know that is your time to opt out because your values don't align? Or do you fall in love with a fantasy? If someone continues to be slippery and not really act that into you, do you walk away or start to think of ways that you could possibly convince this person to pick you?

If you choose the latter, then you are entering into a future of senseless suffering. You will ignore your top values and instead listen to the voice of your ego, which says, "I want what I want and I'm going after it." You then start thinking of ways to manipulate, convince and strategize your actions. At the same time, you will begin feeling rejected and obsessive.

As much as you say you want someone to be in a loving, intimate and committed relationship, part of you may not think it's possible. Maybe you've been hurt in the past by a committed relationship and unconsciously you are putting effort into a relationship that will never become committed as a way to protect yourself. Or perhaps you have some limiting beliefs about your worthiness, which are fueling your pattern of chasing after crumbs. And as much as you want to receive love, there is something about it that scares you. Or even worse, thinks you don't deserve it.

If this resonates with you, invest the energy that you are investing in chasing after a slippery person into yourself. Heal your wounds and update your beliefs. Make creating a healthy relationship with YOU the object of your desire.

Now back to my client who sees so much "potential" in this guy even though he's been pretty clear with his actions that he is not choosing into a relationship with her. (Tangential reminder: if words and behavior don't match, it's a red flag. Believe people's actions over their words.) She is so mesmerized with the attributes of this person, what they look like, their personality, what they do in the world, etc., that she is overlooking his actions! All in all she is more in love with the fantasy than the actual person.

I asked her, "Don't you want the experience of choosing AND being chosen? Are convincing and chasing really part of the love story that you want to tell?" Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded her head and said, "But I'm scared I won't feel this strongly about someone else." I reassured her that she could trust the feeling of being excited about someone without attaching it to that person. And that letting him go did not mean she had to let go of her heartfelt desires to feel and be in love. It was okay to long for that, and wait for that. But in the meantime, settling for crumbs is not at all what her heart truly desires.

My encouragement to you is to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about whether or not you are dating or chasing. You are worthy of a relationship that you do not have to chase after. You deserve to feel peaceful in your relationship and be with someone who shares your values. You have a huge heart with so much love to give and if someone isn't "choosing" you, why do you keep choosing him/her?!

Take back your power. Choose wisely someone who will choose you back. Trust that we all have a lot of options when it comes to relationships, but that the one relationship we MUST honor first is the one with ourselves. If you want to attract a wonderful, loving partner who treats you the way you want to be treated, you will do that when you love yourself and treat yourself with respect, kindness and love. So stop running after someone else. Choose you. Pick you. Chase you.

P.S. Want to heal suffering around relationships for good? I'm hosting a retreat in Mexico that is all about your love life. If you are ready to call in a great relationship or improve the one you're in, join me in paradise. Details here.