We all have a lot of love to give (all kinds of love in all kinds of ways!) but dropping the L-bomb and actually telling your partner “hey, I love you/am in love with you” in any relationship means things are moving to the next level. Which is why it is actually possible to say those three words a bit too soon and scare your beloved like a frightened baby deer.
When anyone makes this weighty statement super-early in a relationship, it raises questions about whether or not the person is genuine or just caught up in the moment — or whether they’re listening to all the feelings involved or over-prioritizing their own. While early relationship feels (and hormones) can be intoxicating, relationship experts warn that it might be a red flag if you or your partner is too quick to say, “I love you.”
“‘I love you’ shouldn’t be said lightly,” says “Dr. Romance” Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. “If it is, it’s meaningless.”
Here are some signs it’s a bit premature to be saying those three magic words — so you can be sure that when you say them they really mean something.
You haven’t been dating for at least three to six months
Of course, there are always exceptions, like if you’ve been spending every waking minute together versus only seeing each other once or twice a week. But in general, if you say, “I love you,” before dating for three to six months, you could be mistaking love for something else.
“I’m a big believer in time. I wouldn’t feel really confident if someone is saying it before six months because what they are is infatuated,” says sociologist Pepper Schwartz, a professor at the University of Washington and the author of The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples.
You haven’t had sex yet
If you haven’t yet slept together and someone says, “I love you,” watch out. It could be a ploy to get you into bed. Tessina says a person may say, “I love you,” during sex or to obtain sex, but they might not have really thought it through or mean it. If you’re the one who said it because you were caught up in the moment, you might want to crack a joke about how great the romp was that it made you exaggerate a little. Either way, it’s not a commitment in any way, says Tessina.
It sounds simple, but plenty of us are just caught up in the moment when the L-word is first uttered. But if you haven’t spent real quality time together and your relationship still feels on shaky ground, there isn’t enough there yet for it to be true love.
“Any time before you’ve spent time together and gotten to know each other is way too soon for either of you to say, ‘I love you,'” says Tessina. “There’s no way either of you can know. I believe ‘love at first sight’ is only in hindsight.”
She says many of the couples she counsels come to her with high expectations of “instant” relationships and romance and equally high frustration levels when things don’t unfold that way. “Internet dating, coupled with movie and TV images of instant ‘love at first sight’ create expectations that prohibit people from getting to know anything about the character of the person they’re dating and don’t give the couples a chance to develop what I call the ‘infrastructure’ of a long-lasting relationship,” Tessina says.
You or your partner can’t commit to a future
Many people assume that “I love you” means the person they’re dating is in it for the long haul. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case — in fact, that’s an entirely separate conversation you should have in order to gauge each other’s feelings. If your partner says they love you but can’t back it up with a commitment of some kind, tread lightly.
Schwartz says that in general, when a person hears their partner say, “I love you,” they don’t automatically think their partner is saying, “That’s what I feel like this minute” — instead, they’re thinking there’s the implicit promise of a much deeper relationship and the words could lead to a commitment, as if their partner is saying, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
If your partner says it because they’re just feeling loving at the time but haven’t considered what the relationship means to them, it might be a red flag.
You say it right after an intense experience
Maybe a relative has just died or one of you has landed a new job. When you go through a life-changing experience like that together, it can be bonding and make you feel full of love for each other. But is it really love? Not necessarily if the rest of your relationship doesn’t measure up.
“Depending on the context, those three words can [be said] because [they have] just given you a surprise party or stood up for you against a chastising parent or spent lavishly on you,” says Raymond. “It varies with the ebb and flow of the connection.”
Originally published April 2015. Updated June 2020.
Are you wondering when to tell your partner you love them?
Are you terrified of mis-timing it?
Do you feel as if you have no idea whether it's the right time to be declaring your love?
If so, I want to say: don't panic! It's pretty common to be nervous about this stage of your relationship.
Thankfully, this article will help you to understand when is the best time to drop 'the L bomb' on your partner.
Before I do that, allow me to introduce an online tool that could prove very useful in this situation.
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This huge database of information is gathered discreetly and can help you realize what's going on in this guy's mind. You'll discover all the things he's doing when you're not around and all the truths about his life that he isn't telling you.
A lot of men and women use this tool to keep tabs on partners or family members they're suspicious of, but it can deliver crucial information about people you completely trust too.
It should be able to give you a clear sign whether this person is truly committed to you, or if he's taking a look at other romantic options.
With that said, let's now explore the best time to say 'I love you' to your partner.
When Should You Say Those Three Little Words?
Dr. Mann, from Oprah Magazine, suggests waiting until there’s depth to the relationship. For example, wait until you have agreed to be exclusive.
What if you said, “I love you” and the person didn’t say it back? Dr. Mann says you should wait until you’re prepared for that feeling to not be reciprocated; make sure you can handle the rejection. If you’re prepared to say it without having it said back, go for it!
It’s also suggested that you wait until you are sure you are in love. That’s a good point. But how do you know when you’ve fallen in love? Do you have to be together a long time, or is it gut instinct? What are the signs of falling in love? Those are great questions, and we will explore that topic next.
1. They’re There For You.
Do they take care of you when you’re sick? Do you spend all your free time with them? These may be signs that you are in love with this person. They are also indicators of friendship, but the best cases of love start as friendships, so keep all of that in mind as you assess your feelings!
2. You Want To Show Them Off.
Good signs that you are serious about the relationship are wanting to have this person meet your friends and family or having already met this person's friends and family. If you can’t wait to share them, you may just be in love.
3. You Care About Their Happiness.
When you feel the feelings of this person (happy when they are happy or sad when they are down) and genuinely want what’s best for them, you are showing very good signs that this relationship is going in the right direction.
4. You’re Crazy About Them.
Do you feel butterflies in your stomach every time you see this person? Do thoughts and images of them flood your mind during the day? Does your brain go crazy because you can’t be with them every second? These are pretty good signs that you may be head over heels for this guy or gal.
5. They Make You Happy.
This is an excellent sign of love; if they always make you smile when you think of them and if you are genuinely feeling content in the relationship like it's a drug, it may very well be love. So, ask yourself, "How do I feel about this person each moment I spend with them?
6. They Accept You For Who You Are.
If they aren’t trying to change you, that’s awesome news because that’s how it should be. Don’t fall for someone who thinks of who you “could” be; instead, find someone who is enthusiastic about the person you are today. If they love your flaws and all, it may be true love.
7. You Feel Complete Confidence In The Relationship.
Are you to that point where you are no longer worried that the smallest thing might scare them off? If you are feeling safe, comfortable, and confident in the relationship, you are very possibly madly in love!
8. The Relationship Is Easy.
If you have common interests and the relationship flows easily, you may be ready to say, “I love you.” Of course, weigh the other signs listed here, but if the relationship is easy and comfortable, that’s a good sign. If you feel super comfortable doing absolutely nothing with this person, that’s even better!
9. You Trust Them Completely.
If you are no longer worried about them cheating or lying, that’s perfect, because trust is crucial in a romance. When you find real trust, even if you’ve suffered infidelity or betrayal in the past, that’s something worth holding on to. It’s not always the easiest thing to find, but if you believe in this person, there’s a good foundation for love here.
10. They Make You A Better Person.
Do they push you, in a good way, to meet your goals, and are they helpful and encouraging? If they make you want to be a better person or if you've actually turned into a better person by being with them, you have some clear signs that things have gone past the “like” stage.
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11. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Them.
Do you think about them all day, do you miss them when you're separated and does everything you see or hear about your day remind you of them? Mind-crazy thinking like this is a definite sign that you may have found the right person for you.
12. They Are The Best Part Of Your Day.
When times are bad, are they good to you, and do you still like them even when they are at their worst or when you are at your worst? If they one of the favorite moments of your day, and if you just long for the moment when you get to talk to them and tell them everything, it's definitely more than just “like.” It sounds like love to me.
13. You Two Make A Good Team.
Do things just “flow” between the two of you, and do you just instinctively “know” what they’re going to do next? Are they the yin to your yang? If you sense that you are two of a kind and are made to be together, you may just be right, because the best marriages start as best friends.
14. You’re Best Friends.
Speaking of best friends… Are they one of your best friends? In other words, are they the ones that you turn to with your problems, and/or do you depend on their advice? Are you one of their best friends? If you believe that they feel the same way, you may have just found love! A close friendship is everything!
15. You’re Okay With The Gross Stuff.
Can you handle the icky stuff? You know, the bathroom stuff? Do they know about your embarrassing medical issues, or do you know about theirs? When you are close with someone, you share things, but it’s the little stuff that counts in the end.
16. You Think About Your Future Together.
Have you already pictured marriage and kids with them? Do you think past this week’s dating calendar? If you picture a future with them, there may very well be one. When you think about marriage or even just a vacation a year away from now, you may be in love.
17. You’re Bursting With Feeling.
If you have the gut feeling that this is love, well, sometimes, we have to trust our gut. At times like this, what you know inside is important. Listen to yourself; if you are ready to say it, you probably are, in fact, in love.
18. Compromising Is Simple With Them.
If you are willing to make sacrifices for this person without complaint because you know that they are worth it, this may very well be the real deal. Do they make sacrifices for you? Answer all the questions in this post, and you’ll know if this is love or not.
19. They Like You At Your Worst.
Have you had a tantrum in front of them like a crying fit or even a nervous breakdown, and did they stick around? If they like you at your worst, I bet you anything, they love you at your best. Trust those instincts and commit yourself to this person.
20. The Intimacy Is Off The Charts.
If your sex life off-the-charts incredible? Also, are you really close to them outside of your sex life? You need that intimate connection, a special bond, for a lasting relationship. Friendship is crucial, but sexual attraction is a must.
FAQs
How Long Should You Date Before Saying I Love You?
The general consensus is three months, but it depends on how much time you spend together, how intimate you are, how virtual the relationship is, and whether you have that “gut feeling” that means you are ready to say, “I love you.” The time frame varies from person to person.
How Long Does It Take A Man To Say I Love You?
It can take anywhere from a few weeks to a year for a guy to say those three little words. Typically, he’ll wait until he’s ready to commit to you, and he’ll want to be sure it’s the right time to say it. Don’t pressure him to say it, though.
Is 3 Months Too Soon To Say I Love You?
It depends on the relationship. If you have spent a lot of time together, know the intimate details of the person’s life, feel like “like” isn’t enough anymore, and just can’t wait to say, “I love you,” then it’s probably just the right amount of time for you.
How Do You Know If You Are In Love With Someone?
It varies depending on the relationship, but usually, you think about the person non-stop; you may find them to be your best friend or at least the best thing in your life. If they make you happy and you care about their well-being, those are good signs it is love.
What Is The 3 Month Rule?
It’s a general guideline as to when you should decide if you want to say, “I love you” or not. After three months of dating, you usually have a good idea if you feel like the relationship is leading toward love or not, but the time frame may vary.
To Sum Things Up...
When do you think one should say, “I love you?” What does it take to feel that intense emotion? What did you think of my list? Do you agree?
Share your thoughts! We’d love for you to share this article and give us feedback in the comments section.
Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
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