Im pregnant and my boyfriend doesnt want to be with me

Perhaps you never talked about having a baby with your partner, or maybe you vaguely mentioned wanting kids "someday." You might've even agreed to try getting pregnant at 25 (or 30 or 35). But now one of you is ready to move ahead with conception—and the other isn't so sure.

This common scenario was brought up in a Reddit thread. 30-year-old user aed89 had been dating her 29-year old boyfriend for nine months, and living together for three months, when they had unprotected sex, which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.

"He [my boyfriend] was not happy and kept saying that he's not ready to be a dad, and he doesn't want anything to change between us and essentially this will ruin what we have," she says. "He wasn't mean about it at all and he seemed to be in shock, as am I."

Immediately after learning the results of her pregnancy test, aed89 knew she wanted to have the baby, but she doesn't want to "force a child on this man that I love that he doesn't want."

She adds that, "ultimately it is my decision, and I think that if I go through with terminating this pregnancy I will regret it and resent him. If I have it, he will resent me and the child. I feel very irresponsible and overwhelmed."

So what should aed89 do? We spoke with Austin E. Galvin, CSW, a New York-based psychoanalyst, about this tricky situation.

Finding the Underlying Problem

According to Galvin, ambivalence about making the leap into parenthood is extremely common. Concerns like finances and house size aren't usually the core issues. Lack of time, lack of money, and other external barriers are almost always fabricated resistances, he says. Therefore, Galvin suggests that the person voicing the concerns needs to break through to an understanding of the real, internal resistance.

Talking through things is usually the best way to identify the problem, but Galvin doesn't necessarily think couples should approach every issue together. He recommends that the resistant partner find their own safe and objective sounding board, such as a therapist or a nonjudgmental friend, who will offer valuable insight and advice.

Here are some potential reasons why one partner doesn't want a baby when the other does.

Fear of Responsibility: The ambivalent partner may be questioning their ability to remain in the relationship or parent a child. A baby makes things real for people in a way that can be very overwhelming, Galvin notes. More than any other decision in life, a child—and a relationship with the person who shares the child—lasts forever.

Relationship Woes: Galvin notes that when one partner is suddenly desperate for a baby, it may have more to do with the relationship than the desire to be a parent. The baby-wanting partner might hope to solidify a shaky relationship by drawing his or her spouse in more deeply. Maybe on some level, there's a hope that the baby will provide a level of intimacy that's currently lacking in the marriage.

Childhood Issues: If the baby was planned and one spouse suddenly starts throwing up roadblocks, there could be childhood issues at stake. Galvin notes that the resistant partner may need to work through unresolved feelings about his or her own parents.

Finding a Compromise When One Partner Doesn't Want a Baby

When Galvin encounters this situation, he asks the couple to talk about the feelings and incidents that led to their current dilemma. "Even if they agreed in the past to have a child, either partner can change the rules," he says. But it's important to understand what's at stake, so couples can feel responsible for their decision and its consequences.

Galvin asks each couple, "How important is having a baby to you? Are you willing to give up your partner and/or significant other over the issue?" Unless the relationship is in serious trouble, they always say no, he says, and once they've strengthened their commitment to being together, they're able to negotiate a solution.

In many cases, the best advice may be to keep working through the ambivalence—which can be a lengthy process—while at the same time trying to conceive. Galvin points out that the most resistant spouses often become doting parents. He's had clients who felt extreme anxiety throughout the nine months of preganancy, but he's never had anyone hold their baby in their arms and then come back and tell him it was a mistake.

Why supportive relationships matter in pregnancy

Pregnancy hormones can make you feel a mix of emotional highs and lows, which can make many women feel more vulnerable or anxious. Some may also have trouble coping with their symptoms or even have complications  during their pregnancy, which can cause extra stress.

A positive relationship can make you feel loved and supported, and more able to deal with these situations. A poor relationship can make you feel bad about yourself, or cause anxiety  or depression.

From couple to parents 

It’s quite normal for couples to argue, even if you’re in a healthy relationship. Sometimes this has nothing to do with pregnancy. But there are some common reasons why you may argue when you’re pregnant. These include:

• you feel your partner is less interested in the pregnancy than you are
• the baby doesn’t seem real to you or your partner
• you feel your partner is being too protective of you
• you are both stressed about money
• one of you wants to have sex but the other doesn’t
• you are feeling sick, tired and moody
• you are both anxious about being parents
• you are worried your partner won’t find your changing body attractive.

“I felt sick all day, every day during my pregnancy, which didn’t really get better until I was about 6 months along. I didn’t feel good physically and was also really upset that I wasn’t enjoying my pregnancy. This made me really stressed and irritable, which affected my relationship with my husband for a while.”

Alison

Making the change from being a couple to being parents isn’t easy. You’re probably thinking about how it will change your life and your relationship with each other.

It’s a good idea to talk to each other about your feelings and any anxieties you have about the future, including:

• your hopes
• your fears
• your expectations about life with your baby
• what kind of parents you want to be
• how you can support each other.

You may also find it helpful to:

• have an open and honest chat about how you’re both feeling. Take turns to listen to each other
• try not to be accusing or too negative, instead think about practical things you could both do to make things better
• try to understand things from your partner’s point of view as well as your own
• make a wellbeing plan to make sense of your feelings and help you talk them through with your partner.

Talking about how you feel won’t always stop you arguing. But it may make you feel better prepared for the changes ahead and reassure you that you are in a strong, healthy and loving relationship.

Sorting out relationship problems

Sometimes problems in a relationship can become overwhelming. Some people may feel like they are dealing with everything on their own and so feel isolated or resentful. Other couples may try to talk through their problems but still can’t find a way to sort things out. 

If you are feeling unhappy you may want to try relationship advice or counselling. This gives you a chance to talk about your worries together in a safe and confidential place with a trained counsellor. You can also talk to a counsellor about your relationship on your own if you want.

You can:

• get information about couple’s counselling at Relate. They also offers a live web chat service where you can talk to a relationship or family counsellor for up to 30 minutes for free.
• find a private counsellor in your area though the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy  (BACP).

If you split up

Unfortunately, some couples split up when they are expecting a baby. This can be a very difficult time for both of you but there is support available.

The charity Gingerbread supports single parent mums and dads by providing information about things like:

• financial support
• housing
• managing money
• you and your child’s wellbeing.

Domestic violence

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, whatever your age, background, gender, religion, sexuality, ethnicity or disability. Around 1 in 3 women are affected by domestic abuse when they are pregnant. This may happen for the first time in pregnancy or existing abuse may get worse during pregnancy and after birth. 

Find out more about domestic abuse before and after pregnancy.
 

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