Son spends every holiday with in-laws

Q: How do you tell your family you dont want to spend the holidays with them?

Be Honest and Kind For instance, start with something like Ive been thinking about the holidays and Ive decided that were going to stay home this year and not travel. From there, you can go into your reasons, but dont make this part terribly long. Resist the urge to throw your partner under the bus.

Francisco Kjolseth | The Salt Lake Tribune The Salt Lake Tribune staff portraits. Ann Cannon

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How do you tell your family you don't want to spend the holidays with them?
How do I deal with my daughter in
How do I get along with my son's mother
How can I avoid spending time with my in

Dear Ann Cannon • So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. She’s a very nice young woman — I like her a lot — but as the holidays approach, I find myself resenting the fact that somehow she and my son always end up spending Christmas with her side of the family. There’s always an excuse. Someone’s going on a Mormon mission or someone’s moving away or someone’s getting married, so this will be the last time her family will all be together for the holidays. I’m not sure, but I think my daughter-in-law’s mother drives a lot of it. It seems like she’s one of those women who just naturally assume that girls go home to their mothers and their husbands be damned. And because my daughter-in-law is close to her mother, she goes along with it.

I don’t want to create a problem for my son and his wife, but hey! I’d really like them to spread the Christmas love around a little bit more equally. Any suggestions?

— Tired of Being a Holiday Afterthought

Dear Tired • As I always say, there’s nothing like Christmas to bring out the crazy in even the most functional of families! Happy holidays!

OK. Let’s get down to business here. I assume you’ve already brought this up with your son and his wife at some point? Because you really should if you haven’t already. Remember, people — most of them, anyway — can’t read minds. If you haven’t said something, they may honestly assume you don’t have a problem with the arrangement. And, frankly, it may also be convenient for them to think there isn’t a problem, especially if they’re being pressured by her mother.

Think about approaching the conversation this way. “I’d love for you to spend Christmas with us this year. Can we make that happen?” Be kind. Be inviting. Be direct. Resist the temptation to pull the Guilt Card, which may work in the short run, but could create resentment down the road.

So what happens if you have The Conversation but your kids still decide to spend Christmas with her side of the family? Well, as always, you get to choose how to respond. You can stew in the juices of your resentment. Or you can figure out a way to manage your resentment, which (admittedly) isn’t easy. The urge to keep score, after all, runs strong in human beings. Think about creating a holiday tradition of your own — like throwing a big happy messy family Christmas party that takes place NOT on Christmas Day.

Good luck!

Meanwhile, I feel compelled to write a letter of my own right now.

Dear Mothers and Fathers of America • Let me tell you about one of the best gifts my mother ever gave me. The first year I was married, I told her my husband and I would not be spending Christmas Eve with her. I was worried about her reaction because Christmas Eve was sacrosanct at Chez Edwards. I was the oldest and the first to marry, so I was breaking with a pattern that was familiar and comfortable to us all.

Her initial response was pretty much what I’d expected it to be. She was at the kitchen sink, washing dishes. When I told her, she carefully put down her dish and even gripped the edge of the counter. “Wait. You won’t be with us for Christmas Eve? I cannot believe this.”

I gulped and nodded.

Then she took a deep, deep breath and said, “Sweetheart, that’s OK. That is absolutely OK.”

The moral of this story? Parents, be willing to share your children. Encourage them to be fair. Fair to you. Fair to the other families in their lives, too.

— Ann Cannon

Got a question for Ann? Email her at or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.

Dear Amy: Being a mother to boys is tough! Why is it that having male children puts us in second place all of the time?

I have three sons and get very sad when it comes to the holidays.

Why is it that daughters-in-law feel that their side of the family is more important than their husband's side of the family?

There have been numerous occasions when we don't get to see our sons and grandchildren because the other side comes first.

Do they think that their family loves them more or has worked harder to bring them up than the parents of boys? These are the same women who, when dating, were always around and could not have been nicer. The only exceptions I have seen are when the parent of the girls is not in the picture, either due to distance, death or estrangement.

— Sad Mom

Dear Mom: I agree that this is a real phenomenon, and I will try to explain it. Daughters-in-law are oriented toward their families of birth, not necessarily to punish their husbands' parents but because they have known their own parents for their whole lives.

This orientation toward their own parents and its impact on the couple starts with the wedding and continues through pregnancies and then on to the birth of their children. Men are often marginalized during these important life events, and their parents are also pushed aside. Traditionally, the wife/mother controls the children's schedules. Because the woman's own mother has been intimately involved in the kids' lives from the start, there is a bond between them that the younger mother actively fosters and values.

I don't think any of this is fair, but it seems to be the default position of many families. However, if your sons work hard to be involved fathers and sons, building close and loving relationships with their children and with you, then they will advocate for the children to spend time with their folks during holidays and other occasions.

This balance is shifting as the "traditionally" assigned roles of parents changes (thank goodness), but it might take a generation for parents of sons to see the impact of this change.

Dear Amy: My oldest brother is estranged from the rest of us, but we have been able to keep things relatively civil. In the past two years, with our mother's declining health, he has grown more belligerent and distant.

We have moved our mother into a wonderful assisted-living facility. Our brother has voiced his desire to have nothing more to do with any of us and has threatened to stop visiting her.

We are planning for our mother's eventual funeral. How should we handle this? None of us want him or his family with us during the funeral. Lots of bad blood, burnt bridges and hurtful things have been said by all sides.

Do we include him and his family and treat him as a "family acquaintance," include him as family or completely exclude him?

He might be hurtful and unpleasant. I'm hoping our mother lives for another 10 to 20 years, but we are just planning for the eventuality of her death.

Can you provide some guidance?

— Confused and Hurt

Dear Confused: You seem to be hoping that you can alleviate the impact of this dysfunctional sibling relationship by planning an exclusion. I think you should stop paying so much attention to him.

Planning to keep your brother away from your mother's funeral would throw additional weight onto this relationship. Unless you plan a strictly private affair and hire security, you cannot necessarily dictate who attends a funeral.

If he chooses to stay away during the final years of her life, then he will likely only learn about your mother's death through a public obituary. It would be hard for him to ruin an event if you didn't even care whether he showed up. Let the consequences of his choices fall upon him, not you.

Dear Amy: You responded to "Worried in Wisconsin" about the possible consequences of her older husband choosing to fix their roof.

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I fell years ago installing Christmas lights and never went back up. I got lucky and landed in a large azalea bush. A friend in Las Vegas fell this year and nearly died. He is still in recovery. Please warn your readers again!

— Lucky

Dear Lucky: According to the CDC, the No. 1 cause of death by injury in Americans over 65 is "unintentional fall." None of the more than 25,000 people who died in 2013 intended to fall, or die of a fall, and yet the statistics are clear.

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How do you tell your family you don't want to spend the holidays with them?

Be Honest and Kind For instance, start with something like "I've been thinking about the holidays and I've decided that we're going to stay home this year and not travel." From there, you can go into your reasons, but don't make this part terribly long. Resist the urge to throw your partner under the bus.