Note: There is a much updated and expanded version of this on my free eBook “The Gentleman’s Guide to Texting Women”.
Like it or not, texting is here to stay. As part of the dating process, you’re responsible for keeping in touch with her and making things interesting. Thankfully, this works in your favor.
Texting allows you to come up with witty and enticing responses from a comfortable location. It’s easy enough to master and with some basic guidelines, you should be a pro in no time. Here are some simple points to remember when texting a girl you’re interested in.
Avoid improper grammar
Well-written text messages make you look mature and intelligent. Sloppiness is not only a turn-off but also a potential deal breaker. Some shortcuts like “np at all” are okay but “kk can’t wait 2 c u 2nite” is excessive. Double-check your spelling, grammar, and auto correct before you press send.
Use emoticons wisely
A smile or wink is great for adding emphasis or being flirtatious. However, using them in every other sentence can be overkill and distracting from what you’re trying to say. Sticking to no more than one emoticon per message is usually a good idea.
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Don’t flood her with texts
Replying with three texts for every one she sends shows you’re too eager and too invested. You shouldn’t over-think it but go easy and feel out the pace of the conversation. If she takes an hour to respond, just give it a few minutes before messaging her back.
Text at reasonable times
Unless she’s working the graveyard shift, texting her randomly at four in the morning won’t look good. I’m positive whatever you have to say can wait until the next day. Also, if you’ve had a heavy night of drinking, be cautious of what you’re writing.
Use more statements
How do you talk with your friends? You probably shoot the shit and ask the occasional question. Use this as a reference point for your natural style and add a dash of spice when talking to her. Bombarding her with questions will make it feel like an interrogation.
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Keep things light
A girl loves to see her phone buzz and read a text from you that’s cute, intriguing, and makes her laugh. Don’t get too personal over text – it isn’t worth it and should be saved for in-person or phone conversations. Tell her about your funny train ride home and not your life story.
Start flirting with her
Short, sweet, and your opportunity to shine, flirtatious texts are a great way to generate sparks. Trust and comfort have to build over time, but light and teasing messages will keep her on her toes until then. Make fun of her for watching Dancing With the Stars or even playfully accuse her of seducing you.
Set up a date
Texting is a low-pressure way to setup a date. When she’s responding well, suggest an activity that you can do together. Try something like, “Hey I’m going to X on Thursday, you should come along – it’ll be awesome :)” It’s casual and she’s more likely to say yes.
Now that you’ve read my ideas, I’d love to see some of yours. What are some texting tips that have worked for you?
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If you prefer to read, this guide is chock full of real life example texts, conversation topics and tips to make her smile every time she reads your texts.
But before I reveal how to text a girl you like I need to ask you a question to make sure we’re on the same page…
In your next interaction with this girl you’re texting, how do you want her to kiss you? With an emoticon or with her actual lips?
Obviously you want her lips right?! Because real life face-to-face interactions beat the living sh*t out of virtual ones.
So listen up, because it’s time for you to remember what the real goal of texting is…
The goal of texting is to meet up with her, NOT have long drawn out conversations that go nowhere.
NOTE: If she’s already lost interest and gone from “hot” to “cold” make sure you haven’t made any of these 21 shocking mistakes texting girls.
Face to face meet ups are where the real magic happens. When you can get truly intimate with her.
Never lose sight of the ultimate goal.
How to text girls to meet up with you
Before you can get her out on a date, you need to make her both comfortable and excited about the idea of meeting up with you.
No matter how amazing your chemistry is with a girl in person, texting resets the frame and everything starts from square one again.
That’s because texting is a completely different form of communication – it’s an intimate way to get to know someone better that has its own set of rules and etiquette.
Even if you made out with a girl the last time you saw her and she said “I can’t wait to see you again”, you still need to pump her anticipation and desire for your next meet up over text.
Here are 11 ways to stand out from all the competition and become the most exciting guy in her phonebook.
#1: Keep it positive
When texting a girl you like, keep your interactions positive at all times. Your job is to bring her up not haul her down!
If you make a habit of smiling when you text her you’ll naturally inject positivity into your texts.
NEVER say your day was boring. She’s not your venting buddy and moaning about your boss in an attempt to bond over work will not do you any favors.
Even if your day did truly suck there’s always got to be at least one highlight you can pick out, for example:
As a rule if you cannot think of anything fun to say simply put your phone down and come back to it later. It’s never worth texting a girl when you’re in a negative mood.
#2: Keep it playful
Texting is unofficially reserved for light hearted, playful conversation, so unless you want to get friend-zoned avoid getting drawn into boring subject matter that goes nowhere.
Often times women will ask boring questions like “what are you doing?” or “what do you do?”
Rather than answering “matter of fact-ly” be playful and keep her curious about you, e.g.
Although it may seem like she wants to “chat” about everyday stuff, she secretly doesn’t.
Usually when a woman texts something boring like “how was your day” or “what are you doing?” it’s because she’s bored and is looking for fun relief. So whenever this happens it’s vital you respond upbeat and positively, e.g.
This way you’ll remain a source of fun and an escape from the mundane.
In fact by remaining jokey and essentially disqualifying yourself from anything serious you will keep girls MAGNETICALLY attracted.
Why?… Because:
You’ll keep her wondering if you really like her or not
She won’t feel pressured that you’re overly invested in her
She’ll never feel awkward opening, reading and replying to your messages
This is the key to guaranteeing her eyes light up every time she receives a text from you.
And the most AMAZING thing about all this is you can get away with saying almost anything you want…even subtly hinting at your true emotions or intentions without scaring her away:
As you can see it’s ALL about your delivery:
By maintaining a light hearted, teasing vibe throughout your texting interactions you won’t come across needy or creepy even when you’re being playfully persistent:
#3: What to text a girl when you don’t know what to say
Sometimes it can be difficult to think of anything interesting to text a girl especially if you barely know anything about her.
BONUS: If she’s not texting back, Discover The Exact Texts you need to get her texting back and out on a date in our next article.
When you’re struggling for ideas start by asking her how that thing she said she was going to do went… but in a dorky way that makes her eager to respond.
In the example below this girl previously said she was going to spend her Sunday afternoon binge watching Iron Man.
I could have just texted her “hey Anna did you finish watching Iron Man?”, but I knew from experience that I’d get a much better result if I dressed it up a little so she couldn’t resist responding.
So I texted her this:
If you have no idea what she’s been up to and want a “go-to” topic that always encourages banter, teasing, giggling and plenty of connecting then I recommend you focus on these things:
Travelling – find out the place in the world she really wants to go to, role-play about taking her there sometime and imagine the things you’d do there.
Schoolyard humour – find out when she had her first kiss, share your own first kiss story, joke about how you were the nerd at school, find out if she was a nerd or popular kid, etc.
Pop Culture – find out what TV shows she’s into, flirt with the idea about you binge watching some together some time, use references from those TV shows in your text conversations.
If you discover she’s a Game of Thrones (GOT) fan, for example, you can drop all sorts of funny GOT references into your texts.
You want to ask her out on a date: “A boy requests a girl’s presence…”
She doesn’t know about the coolest pizza restaurant in town: “you know nothing jon snow”
If she can’t make it out: “Shame! Shame! Shame!”
She hasn’t explored much of the city, or she doesn’t know the place you’re talking about: “You’ve never been north of the wall have you?”
Then there’s roleplaying…
Roleplaying can go two very different ways depending on how open to sexting she is or isn’t.
There are two categories: Innocent and Naughty.
An innocent roleplaying theme I often play around with is robbing a bank. I say I need a getaway driver and ask her if she’s up for it. We then joke about how we’d get out of town and what we’d do with all the loot. We then agree to meet at a bar first to discuss our big bank robbery plans.
Then there’s roleplaying with a more naughty theme. Ever heard of 50 Shades of Grey?
In this scenario I playfully ask if she’s a good girl or a bad girl then go from there:
#4: How to spot the signs she likes you
A lot of guys don’t know when to ask a girl out.
Rather than reading the signs she’s ready, they keep chatting and milk the conversation for too long.
The girl quickly loses interest and they don’t understand where they went wrong.
NEWSFLASH: Girls do not want to have long drawn out conversations over text. They want you to be a man and ask her out!
After all, the longer you talk to her the more likely you are to say something stupid and screw everything up. You will also lose all your mystery and destroy her excitement for meeting up with you. If everything’s already been said over text then what’s the point in meeting up?
In fact, so many guys thrive off the validation of her texting back they forget to ask her out altogether!
So listen up, because whenever you see any one of these IOI’s (Indicators of Interest) you should pull the trigger IMMEDIATELY and set up the date:
She starts replying faster, texting you more, and initiating conversations herself
She agrees with many of your points of view
She’s giggling like a schoolgirl with a crush
She asks your opinion on something she likes that might put you off, e.g. “would you totally hate me if I told you I was a Belieber? 😕”
She sends you photos of herself dressed sexy (i.e. she’s qualifying herself to you)
She tells you she’s been exercising or doing yoga (i.e. she’s great in bed)
If you feel like you’re getting sucked into a conversation and for whatever reason it’s not the right time to ask her out then you need to END the conversation.
#5: Ending the conversation
Ending the conversation is important because:
It’ll keep you out of the friend-zone (you won’t become “that” guy she leans on whenever she wants to unload)
The person who ends the conversation is usually the one leading the interaction. You will stand out as non-needy and in high demand
It will keep her on her toes and make her wonder about you
In this example I texted a girl who hadn’t texted me back in a week. I made sure I kept this initial interaction short and sweet so I could then come back the next day and continue re-building her investment until she was ready for a date:
Ending the conversation is just one of many subtle techniques you can use to dramatically change her perception of you, re-build her investment in you and make her fight for your attention ?
#6: Mixing up reply times
Do not always text back immediately. Mix it up.
A great way to keep her on her toes is to suddenly go radio silent when you’re right in the middle of rapidly texting each other back.
This will keep her hooked, constantly checking her phone and wondering what happened to you.
As a general rule if she randomly doesn’t get back to you for ages (e.g. 20 minutes) you should make her wait at least 40 minutes (double the time) before texting her back again.
#7: Send it and forget it
The best habit you need to get into is to SEND IT AND FORGET IT…because as soon as you start overthinking everything bad things happen like this…
You send her a text and she doesn’t reply. You re-read the text again and again. It’s been over an hour since you sent it, but still no reply…
You read it again. You’re convinced it’s awful. You worry you’ve fucked it all up and you’ve lost her for good. “It’s not too late I can fix this!!!”. You send another text apologising for your awful text and ask her what she’s up to….still no reply….radio silence.
You wait a little longer until you can’t stop yourself from sending another one asking if she’s ok.
Radio silence.
“Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!!!”. You send another one asking if she got your texts and ask why she’s not replying??!!
Radio silence.
You send another one apologising for everything and telling her you really like her.
This is exactly how I behaved with a girl who friend-zoned me at college. Turned out she was at the gym and left her phone at home!!! FACE PALM 🙁
She friend-zoned me immediately after she opened her phone and saw the huge backlog of needy texts from me:
It doesn’t matter how awful a text is. Nothing is that bad.
You must never ever EVER double text or apologise for a text if you don’t get a reply.
Wait it out. Wait for her to get back to you at her leisure and then if 48 hours or more go by with no response you simply send a fresh initiator text as if NOTHING ever happened, e.g.
#8: Spelling and grammar
Spelling and grammar is a double edged sword.
If you use perfect spelling and grammar in every text it’ll sub-communicate that you are uptight and nervous.
But if you abbreviate too much, e.g. “lst nite was gr8, wyd? ” you’ll come across as a sloppy douchebag who never graduated from high school. Not sexy.
The ideal blend is good spelling and grammar with a few minor imperfections that sub-communicate your light hearted personality and busy lifestyle.
Minor imperfections like mis-spells will make you sound natural, like you are pushing out texts amongst other cool things going on in your life.
Dropping the “g’s” from words, e.g. hangin and chillin; adding extra letters, e.g. “meowwwww”, using ellipses to make it sound like you’re thinking on the spot, e.g. “so……” will communicate a relaxed and playful attitude.
As well as dropping the “g’s” you should also try not to use too many question marks if you can.
Why?
Because psychologists have found that question marks subconsciously look needy and automatically evoke a negative and defensive response.
#9: Mirroring her
Sometimes you’ll need to adjust to her texting style accordingly so that you mirror her language and tempo, e.g. long texts vs short texts, lots of emojis vs no emojis.
If she’s a workaholic and specifically told you this when you met her she won’t appreciate texting during working hours.
Adjust accordingly.
Moreover a girl who’s 18 and spends all day on her phone will probably expect you to text her a lot of emojis and visual messages (photos and LOL cat videos).
Adjust accordingly.
#10: Understanding your audience (speak her language)
Building unconscious rapport isn’t just about mirroring the way she texts you.
You need to speak her language in the sense of what drives her. What turns her on and what she’s passionate about.
You will waste your time if you don’t know what type of girl is in front of you.
Is she silly or serious? Is she shy or outgoing? Is she at college or is she running her own business? Does she like to chill out reading books or watching Netflix? Does she yearn for adventure?
Every girl is different. That means every girl will have her own set of beliefs, turn ons and turn offs. Her own desires, dreams and ambitions.
Once you know who you have in front of you you can position yourself accordingly and say what she wants to hear.
It’s all about giving her the experience that she desperately craves.
It doesn’t matter if you’re poorer than her. There’s always something you can offer to fill a void she desperately needs filling. Find that yearning passion, flirt with a future in which you make that dream come true for her and she will be yours.
For example, you might be more worldly travelled than she is. She may have never ventured from her hometown and yearns for adventure. You can offer her that escape.
In the texting case study below, Ed remembered that this girl dreamed about going on an adventure to Bolivia.
He used this “hook” in his first few messages and then flirted with the idea of putting her in his suitcase and taking her with him:
#11: How to ask her out (by insinuating the date)
The best way to ask her out is to insinuate the date.
For example, first you could establish what cocktail she likes. Then you could talk about some new cocktail bar that’s opened up you should totally checkout some time.
Test the waters and see if she bites.
Then when the time is right (it’s the weekend or you know she’s free) simply put two and two together and suggest it’s time you go check that cocktail bar out together.
In the example below I’d previously established this girl was a coffee lover. We’d talked about meeting up on Tuesday, so all that remained was to confirm details:
In this next example the girl was feeling a little low because she’d just flunked an exam.
I was equally distraught since my football team, Arsenal, had lost the big game.
So I simply put two and two together and seamlessly pitched a date idea that fitted our need to drown our sorrows (in a very jokey way of course):
Who could possibly say no to an amazing date like that??!!?
So those are 11 powerful ways to text a girl… now it’s time to put them into action!
Whilst the first step is understanding where you might have slipped up, the second step is actively DOING something about it.
Because the longer it takes you to get her out on a date… the more she’ll find reasons you’re NOT worth meeting up with.
Women expect things to happen QUICK when there’s chemistry. They expect to get “swept away”.
So because the window of opportunity is closing FAST and because you don’t have much time to get her out on a date, I’m going to give you The Exact Texts that will make her addicted to hearing from you and desperate to see you…
Is she giving you the hot and cold treatment? NO PROBLEM!
Don’t’ know what to text her to get her out? NO PROBLEM!
Is she flaking when you try and confirm the date? NO PROBLEM!
Don’t know how to tease her and turn things sexual? NO PROBLEM!
Think you’re in the friend-zone? NO PROBLEM!
On the Next Page I’ll show you exactly how to turn it around with her.
Just minutes from now… you could be sending powerful texts that make her so addicted to you, she’ll invite herself over and come knocking on your door at 1am.
On the Next Page I will give you the solutions to…
Get the spark back with her
Bring out her naughty side
Get her excited to meet up with you and sleep with you
Make her obsessed with you and desperate to become your girlfriend
Even if you think you’ve already screwed up with her, I can help you turn things around.
Click the image below to go to Step 2, The Solution:
Here’s a quick summary of how to text a girl without screwing up
When texting a girl do the following:
- Spark her curiosity before asking her out. Use your first few texts to spark her curiosity and excitement about meeting up with you. Don’t try to achieve everything all at once by asking her out in one text.
- Send it and forget it. Hit “send” and get on with your day. Don’t overthink things and double text her if she takes ages to reply. Wait it out.
- Be positive, never negative. Smile when you text her. This will naturally inject positivity into your texts. As a rule, if your text doesn’t make you smile or LOL don’t send it.
- Playfully tease her. Avoid boring topics like work, politics or your daily struggle. Keep things light hearted, flirty and never get into deep conversation. You can say what you really want to say by disqualifying yourself from anything serious, e.g. “would be nice to meet your mother. This is escalating quickly”.
- Speak her language. Find out what drives her or turns her on. If she dreams of travelling give her the fantasy she craves by feeding her passion for travel.
- Keep your grammar in check. A few minor imperfections will sub-communicate your light hearted personality and busy lifestyle. Just don’t go overboard with abbreviations like “m8″ or you’ll sound tacky.
- Mirror her rhythm and style. Adjust to her texting style and tempo. If she writes short texts do the same, if she doesn’t use emojis don’t use them either.
- Mix up reply times. Don’t be needy and always respond immediately. Keep her on her toes by mixing up reply times. This will show her you have other things going on in your life and that she’s not the centre of your attention.
- Flirt with the future. Create future memories of funny adventures you could go on together like robbing banks, setting animals free from the zoo, or travelling to exotic places.
- End the conversation. Get into the habit of ending the conversation when it reaches its peak. This will keep her hooked and wanting more. Ending conversations when you notice them dragging on will also ensure you stay out of the friend-zone. “Gym now, ttyl miss nerdy pants”.
- Spot these signs she wants to meet up. If she’s initiating conversations, texting back quickly every-time, or telling you she’s been exercising then pull the trigger and ask her out.
- Ask her out. Insinuate the idea of a date and if she responds positively confirm a time and place to make it happen. For example, if she loves animals float the idea of visiting the zoo to feed the giraffes. If she likes that idea then confirm the date.
You now have plenty of fresh ideas and strategies to keep your thumbs busy and set up a date.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this article and can’t wait to get started!
If you feel like I’ve missed anything out or want some bonus tips on how to text a girl, post your questions and suggestions in the comments below.