Source: Roman Samborskyi/Shutterstock
It’s a common experience: You meet someone new, and things are going great — but after a short time, you’re left wondering what went wrong. If you find yourself longing for more time with someone who has lost interest, you are not alone. Terms like “ghosting” and “benching” have been coined to explain this experience. The list below provides reasons why people suddenly lose interest and suggestions to prevent it from happening again.
1. Low confidence — One of the most common reasons why people lose interest is because the person they’re dating lacks confidence. Confidence counts for a lot. Consider a person — and we all know at least one — who is physically unattractive, yet has many dating options. The reason they do so well is that people are drawn to their confidence. Insecurities may not be obvious right from the start, which is why two people could go out a few times before one person has a change of heart.
What can you do about it? Boost your confidence! High self-esteem results from being comfortable in your own skin and excelling in valued domains. Ask yourself, what parts of your life do you want to improve upon? If you feel insecure about your body, prioritize getting in shape. If you are insecure about your job, enroll in courses that will get you to your desired profession. Even working towards those goals will boost your esteem. Keep in mind, there may be some things you cannot change. In that case, tackle what’s malleable and accept the things that are not under your control.
2. Caring too much — Some people are desperately seeking a relationship. They are unhappy on their own and long for someone to spend their life with. Dating partners quickly pick up on — and are turned off by — this quality. Well-rounded individuals, by contrast, are comfortable on their own; they don’t need a partner to feel whole.
What can you do about it? If you find yourself in this situation, come to terms with the idea of remaining single for the rest of your life. Once you feel comfortable with this notion, you are ready for a healthy partnership. It could be difficult, at first, to accept this possibility, but it will force you to reflect on who you want to become as an individual. Then, when the time is right, that special person will come into your life and add to who you are, not serve to complete you.
3. Bad timing — If none of the above applies to you, then perhaps the partner lost interest because the timing wasn’t right. We have no way of knowing all that is going on in someone’s life — may be the person is already in a relationship, maybe they are still getting over someone, the list goes on and on. The phrase “It’s not me, it’s you” applies here. You have high confidence, are perfectly happy on your own, and available for that person to enter your life, but if they aren’t in the same place, none of that will matter.
What can you do about it? Be okay with the unexplainable. You can’t understand everything; some things in life are a mystery. Have faith that if the relationship is meant to be, it will work out when the timing is right for both people. In the meantime, get busy doing things for yourself, like eating right, exercising, spending time with family and friends, and being open to receiving all the positive experiences life has in store for you.
4. Too much too soon — Sometimes both people are in a good place, ready to start a relationship, but after a hot and heavy start, the spark fizzles out. What went wrong? This can happen when a relationship accelerates too fast and has nowhere to go but down. The physical attraction that draws two people together is often so intense that the partners want to spend all their time together, and when they’re apart, they’re texting constantly and obsessively thinking about each other. Although this can be fun and exciting, the risk is that the relationship doesn’t last.
What can you do about it? Be deliberate about a relationship’s progression. Even when you’re starting a new relationship, and things are going great, balance is important. Don’t neglect important people or aspects of your life when you get into a new partnership. Also, work on building the friendship within your new relationship. The most satisfying, long-lasting partnerships have a balance of passion and companionship. You want to ensure that you and your partner have things in common, beyond the physical chemistry.
If you follow everything on this list and still find yourself being benched or ghosted, don’t fret. As stated above, people have things going on that you will never understand. A person who doesn’t prioritize you isn’t worth your time and effort, so don’t get stuck on them. Keep an open mind, work on yourself, and have faith that you are right where you need to be.
Facebook image: Roman Samborskyi/Shutterstock
By Emily Gaudette Expert review by Nicole Beurkens, Ph.D., C.N.S.
Last updated on March 31, 2020
Most people love flirting and going on promising dates with a new person. But after the initial high of getting to know an attractive new person, some of us find ourselves feeling restless and bored. If this is you, you might identify as someone who likes "the chase" rather than a relationship. You may have even gathered that you're not cut out to settle down with anyone at all.
What does it mean when you lose interest as soon as you start a new relationship?
It's totally normal for sparks to fade after the initial kindling. According to sex therapist and registered psychotherapist Chelsea Page, DHC, LPC, M.S., losing interest in one's partner after a relationship starts to deepen is extremely common. "When the novel energy of an early connection goes down, everything just levels out. Desire levels out, the newness fades, and all the blocks that can get in the way of your sexual energy and interest will start to emerge again," says Page.
Page also says couples tend to cite a decrease in the frequency of their sexual experiences together as a sign that something's wrong, although that's a flawed metric. "It's never really about the quantity of intimate acts between a couple. It's about the quality."
However, if you notice yourself feeling uninterested in everyone you date, regardless of how enticing they seem during the early days of courtship, you could be wrestling with some underlying attachment issues.
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How attachment styles affect your intimacy style.
Signs that you're encountering some deep-seated intimacy blocks are subtle, but they tend to involve two major feelings: anxiety or apathy.
"If your thoughts around intimacy or the relationship feel anxious or pervasive, and you're preoccupied with stress from your life or the outside world, that could be an indicator." People with anxious attachment styles tend to exhibit an intense need for validation from their partner; when those needs aren't met, the individual might push away the love interest instead. On the other hand, people with avoidant attachments are just downright uncomfortable with intimacy in general.
And listen, if you default to these emotions and reactions—you're not a bad person, nor are you doomed in love forever. "Your natural humanness starts to come out in time," Page says, "and trying to ignore your needs is like trying to ignore having a knife in your side. You have to pull it out and heal the wound."
What to do about it: Heal from within.
It's possible that you're just not ready to settle into a relationship, and that's perfectly fine! But you do owe it to yourself to determine why you haven't found the right match, or if you have underlying questions you need to answer for yourself first.
You should also remember that "settling down" into a new relationship isn't the same thing as losing interest. You might think that once the spark is gone, that means the relationship is over. That's just simply not true: In fact, it's a sign that you are moving into a more steady, comfortable phase of the relationship—that's a healthy next step. And there's no telling when you might move into this phase. "There are a lot of dubious sources out there that try to give people a timeline for this kind of thing," Page says, "but just as everyone is unique, every partnership is unique too. It depends on what's going on in your lives, and it varies."
Now as for addressing intimacy issues, Page notes you can and should educate yourself responsibly: "Books, articles, and blog posts on intimacy are essentially doorways into this area of self-exploration," she says. "Sometimes, just opening the door is enough for people, but a relationship with a professional can help you get through that doorway."
So if you find that exiting a relationship as it starts to get serious is a behavior pattern you can't fully control, consider asking for professional help. Page says fear is often the biggest thing keeping people from untying this particular knot. "You have to ask yourself, 'Do I want a great relationship with someone eventually?' If the answer is yes, then say that you'll do what it takes. And if you're scared, then do it scared!"
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