Why do old people complain so much

Maybe we can't stop all our parents' complaints, but we can reduce them. There's a healthy trend going on, and I like it.

If our aging parents are like us, they probably don't like to give up all they're used to. They may not like change. The idea is to keep things as much they way our aging parents like them as possible.

How can that be done?

The idea is customized care at home. Tailored. When you get a suit tailored, it should fit perfectly, right? Same for elder care. But that idea, care really tailored to fit each individual is hard to find.

The way it is most of the time, our parents age, they need help. They can stay at home with home care workers, go to assisted living, or into a nursing home. Those choices are pretty limited. We can see why aging parents complain about it.

Assisted living facilities’ meals in the dining hall, no matter what they serve there, can remind you of camp. If you don’t care to have dinner at 5:00 P.M., you'd have to cook it yourself, or eat out. The structure if life in a facility can drive some people a bit nuts.

If an agency sends a home care worker, and that person is there to provide Mom with companionship, what can they talk about if her language skills are limited? What if she doesn’t have an education and your parent does?  Social isolation remains a problem for older people who live alone, as many do.

The very idea of a nursing home is enough to terrify any aging parent. No one wants it, and some feel forced to go.

To answer this problem, there's the emerging "aging in place" movement, keeping people at home and bringing all the help to them instead of having them go to the help. Even when help is brought in, someone has to coordinate it, make it right and add levels of other kinds of care as needed.

A colleague and elder psychologist, Dr. Tessa ten Tusscher, thinks elder care should be totally customized to the individual who prefers to stay in his or her own home. Her concept is to personally design care at home for each individual, using a broad array of services, with a 24 hour concierge service to make it all work together.

Dr. tenTusscher believes that assisted living facilities are not for everyone, though they work very well for some. Her concept creates a new model for assisted living at home.  Each home care worker is taught and supervised in how to work with the special needs of every individual, as the needs present.

This is more than a home care agency. It includes exercise programs in cooperation with a local health club, transportation, social events and connections, emotional support for families, and oversight of all the moving parts of home care by a team trained to find the elder’s special tastes and needs and to meet them.

An interesting component of the model is the use of technology to monitor an elder at home. Motion detectors can tell us whether Mom is getting up at night, and how much, allowing families to decide whether 24/7 home care is really necessary or not.

Cost of the  monitoring devices: $7500 to install, and $45 per month service charge.

New applications are constantly being developed for this kind of monitoring, which is already available. It isn’t necessarily true that the more disabled we get, the more hours of home care worker we must have.

Does this all sound pricey? It turns out that so far, it’s comparable in price to the current alternatives in elder care. In some cases, less paid home care is necessary because these monitoring devices permit keeping tabs on Dad part of the time, even if he lives alone.

Assisted living facilities, nearly always paid for out of pocket, are not cheap. A retired physician friend has her mom in one. Cost: $10,000 a month for all the “extras” mom needs. Nursing homes will run you (in CA ) about $78,000 a year. 24 hour a day home care can carry a six-figure annual price tag, though less in some parts of the country.

It seems to me that if we tailor the care our parents need to their quirks, tastes and wants, we'll hear a lot less complaining. (At least about that!)

If I live to be good and old, and need some help, I think I’d like the customized concept, in my home.

Picture this: having it my way, I’ll call the concierge to be sure I get transported to my seniors’ yoga class on time. Dinner at 7:00 P.M.? No problem. My friends and I should be finished with our current events discussion group by then. Freedom, flexibility, choices.

In my work at AgingParents.com, I see families struggle with trying to get a resistant elder to move into assisted living. Or they don't like the caregiver with limited English. Or they are refusing help altogether. I think we can offer them a lot more choice these days.

If they're happier with a customized plan and can stay safely at home as they age, we'll be happier too. So, here are some essentials:

* Research how to give your aging parents as much choice as possible about care at home and look at new models for providing those choices.

* Go with their personal preferences  instead of trying to force parents to adapt to a structure they don't like.

* Look for a care provider who can incorporate electronic monitoring into the care if your parent is willing. This might cut down on the need for around the clock workers.

We want what's best for them. We'd like to see our aging parents happy. If there's a way to work it out for them to age in place at home, we're likely to hear a lot less complaining. This, however will not change anyone's personality!

If your aging parent is a complainer, please comment,and let us know what's worked for you to keep it to a minimum.

Until next time, wishing you well and the best of holidays,

Carolyn Rosenblatt

Agingparents.com

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Lisa couldn’t stand it any longer. Every time she met her colleague Peter, one of the senior executives at the large retail chain where they both worked, he would begin an endless lament about his work, the government, and his personal life. After listening to Peter’s moaning, it didn’t take long before she experienced a claustrophobic reaction. It didn’t help that whenever Lisa tried to reframe Peter’s situation more positively, he would revert back to his negativity. Peter’s constant grumbling, whining, and lamenting was toxic for everyone, himself included.

The Damage Done

Research shows that chronic complaining like Peter’s has physiological effects. Through the repetition of bad, sad, mad and powerless feelings, the neurotransmitters in the brain can go through a neural “rewiring,” which reinforces negative thought patterns, making it easier for unhappy thoughts to repeat themselves and leaving little room for the more positive feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and well-being. A continuous cycle of negative thoughts may even cause damage to the hippocampus, the part of the brain used for problem solving and cognitive functioning. Over time, complainers become negativity addicts, attracted to the drama that comes with a complaining attitude.

They are also prone to black-and-white thinking. Compromise isn’t part of the equation. No wonder that chronic complainers like Peter are more likely to see problems instead of solutions, making it very difficult to work with them. Given their negativity, it is hard for them to make decisions and solve problems. Ironically, complaining about things creates more things to complain about.

Chronic complainers also have a damaging effect on those around them. When people are thinking and reacting in negative and pessimistic ways, without realizing it, they transfer these feelings onto others in a process psychologists call “projective identification.” It is as if they use other people as some kind of garbage can for their negativity, making these others feel weighed down and exhausted.

Interestingly, it is very likely that this kind of “transfer” is part of our evolutionary makeup. Some neuroscientists have suggested that human beings possess what are called mirror neurons in their brain that are important for survival. As social beings, our brains unconsciously mimic the moods of the people around us, which can be an advantage when we are faced with danger. It can also serve as a form of social cohesion. This neuronal mirroring, however, has a flip side. People who complain about everything become contagious and, before we realize it, we turn into complainers ourselves.

Why Complain?

Complaining isn’t all bad.  Occasional venting and expression of negative emotions to a colleague about difficult situations allow us to get our concerns out into the open, and in doing so, lessen possible stress reactions. Repressing our feelings may stop us from naming our problem and getting to the bottom of it. People also complain in order to feel better about themselves. Returning to Peter, perhaps he wanted Lisa’s validation for how unfair or annoying his situation was and to establish some kind of emotional connection.

But complaints can also be used as a way to exercise power and influence perceptions. Especially within organizations, which can be hotbeds of political games, people use complaining in order to get people’s support. On this interpretation, Peter might have been trying to recruit Lisa to his point of view concerning what he thought was wrong with some of the people in their organization.

In many cases, chronic complaining starts early in life, as a means of gaining visibility and establishing rapport in the family. These early experiences can become deeply ingrained patterns of behavior, and in Peter’s case, may have become part of his identity.  This would explain why he reacts poorly to advice because resolving his problem would take away the reason to complain, threatening his sense of self.

Managing a Complainer

Attempts to help chronic complainers often have little or no effect. Most likely, Peter would continue to be absorbed on the downsides of his situation, rather than seek solutions. It’s what makes dealing with these chronic complainers so exasperating.

It’s better to begin by setting clear boundaries. Lisa should tell Peter that she is prepared to listen and to talk, but not to engage in a repetitive conversation. Going over the same thing over and over again isn’t doing either of them a service. She should tell him that while she recognizes that he feels bad, his constant complaining is upsetting everyone in the organization. She should acknowledge that everyone complains at some point, but also point out that most people do so in moderation and that there is a right and a wrong way to complain. Complaining is useful in situations where he thinks that he could affect real and positive change but to complain the way he does is not constructive.

Next, Lisa should make clear to Peter that he would be much better off if he adjusted his perspective. Purposeful complaining — taking a proactive stand — will give him a roadmap to transcend his negativity. After all, if he has the time to whine and complain about all the bad things happening to him, then he should also make the time to do something about it. He should be complaining in order to fix and solve something, not just to win sympathy.

Lisa could also suggest that Peter cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Whenever he feels the urge to complain, he should see this as a red flag to shift his attention from complaining to counting his blessings. In doing so, he might find that his mood improved; he might have more energy and feel less anxious. Of course, creating such a behavior change takes time. But he could get help on the journey from a coach or psychotherapist, who could work with him to explore his tendency to fall into victimhood, why he constantly seeks validation from others, and how to work on alternative responses when he experiences the need to complain.

While chronic complainers appear to be harmless on the surface, they owe it to their colleagues and themselves to regulate their behavior. Eventually people will tire of the negativity.   Peter needs to realize that the squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the grease. It can also be replaced.