“When we hold onto grudges and resentment, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick,” says Angela Buttimer, MS, NCC, RYT, LPC, a licensed psychotherapist at Thomas F. Chapman Family Cancer Wellness at Piedmont. “It causes us to carry negative, tense energy in our biology.” Show Grudges hurt the immune system“Living in a chronic state of tension disables your body’s repair mechanisms, increasing inflammation and the stress hormone cortisol in the body,” she explains. “Forgiveness engages the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps your immune system function more efficiently and makes room for feel-good hormones like serotonin and oxytocin.” If you are tempted to dwell on an offense, remind yourself what you are doing to your body when you run the scenario in your mind again. “Your brain doesn’t know what is real and what is imagined,” says Buttimer. “When you replay in your mind an experience you had six months ago, your body reacts as if you’re having the same experience over and over again.” Why is it so hard to forgive?Buttimer says sometimes we hold onto grudges because it gives us a sense of control — that if we don’t forget an offense, it won’t ever happen again. “I tell my clients all the time, ‘It’s is not worth the cortisol,’” she says. “Our ego wants to sink its teeth into blaming, negativity and tension, but holding a grudge won’t give you any control over the situation.” How to let go of resentment and unforgiveness“Living in a ‘victim mentality’ can lead to a compromised immune system,” says Buttimer. You have more control than you think and can leave behind the victim mentality when you realize you have the tools to process and let go of your bitterness. Buttimer recommends the following steps to help you let go of resentment.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself“Some people misunderstand forgiveness as condoning bad behavior, but really, forgiveness is the path to our mental and emotional freedom,” says Buttimer. “We no longer have to hold ourselves in bondage based on what someone else did to us.” Stood up by a friend? Let down by your sister? Thrown for a loop by a coworker? Martha Beck says the right-size grudge can shield you from just about anything. By Martha Beck Illustration: David Pohl In 1988 Bette Midler's production company released the film Beaches, a moving homage to friendship and forgiveness. It may seem a bit odd, then, that the Divine Miss M.'s corporate motto was "We hold a grudge." Can love, forgiveness, and holding grudges really go together? Yes, they can—depending on how you define grudge. Three-Strikers Les Pitiables Kelly tried to rationalize Cheryl's behavior. "I thought maybe she had a brain tumor or something." But Kelly couldn't explain it away. Cheryl hadn't been just moody; she had been extraordinarily cruel. "Even in my worst mood," Kelly told me, "I would never have said something like that."
From the February 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine NEXT STORY What personality type holds grudges?Introverts tend to hold grudges the longest, though they may not be obvious about it. Those who believe in a just world — where their own offenses are likely to balance out those directed toward them — are less likely to hold a grudge.
Do people hold grudges forever?Holding grudges is sometimes related to people's automatic negative thoughts and cognitive distortions. Some grudges may be relatively short-lived, eventually getting resolved or simply fading away, while others can last a lifetime.
Do grudges go away?If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.
What happens if you hold a grudge for a long time?When you hold a grudge, you're recalling a past event and the negative emotions associated with it. It subjects your body to stress over a prolonged period, which has negative health effects. Rushing to forgive isn't good either, as it can make you minimize your emotions.
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